Upside Down

I have thought a lot about writing this post and if I should or not... but here goes. I was going to post a picture of me doing a hand stand 8 months pregnant, but I will spare you all (and truth be told. me).

I had expected that Christmas would be a difficult holiday for me to endure. I anticipated Christmas Eve walking around the temple looking at lights arms empty, reading the Christmas story and acting out the parts missing the "baby" Jesus, and opening the pjs and missing one more pair would be difficult. I had prepared myself, even prepped myself, told myself that Daxton wasn't supposed to b here with us this Christmas, that Father in Heaven needed him more than I did. I knew it would be difficult.

Through all the events described above, I felt a warm peace, a blanket of security. I knew Daxton was near. I knew that he was helping me through this holiday season. Christmas Eve and morning actually turned out way better than anticipated. My heart didn't hurt near as much as I thought it would. I didn't feel the emptiness that I thought I would. It was another day with people whom I loved.

Then the decorations came down, Christmas was over, and a new year had begun. I scrubbed my house top to bottom, cleaned out all "the drawers" and closets and toys and cupboards that I have been meaning to for the last year. I wanted to start fresh. And then it happened. It always does. There are the highs and then there are the lows. Lately I have been trying to pull myself out of this low.... chocolate chip cookies, ice cream from cold stone, popcorn, late night movies, diet cokes.... all to no avail, I just feel fatter :).

I actually didn't expect that the new year would bring some sorrow, but it has. It will be the first of many full years without my little man. It will be the first of many years I will have to endure the trial that I have been given. It is interesting to watch myself go through these unexpected cycles of grief. It truly just comes out of nowhere. I think I am doing good.... and then bam it hits like a ton of bricks. It isn't fair. When does it stop? I am 7 months out. I can't believe that it has been that long, yet has it really been that long? I think that it never goes away, the waves of grief continue, just a little differently.

This year for Christmas I made a Daxton stocking and put what I wanted to do this year to better myself so that I might be able to return to him and be with him and raise him. Each night the girls pray that Daxton will know how much we love him and that we will choose the right so that we can live with him again, and we discuss ways to choose the right. They are simple for them now, but it will be more difficult as they get older. I hope that I can instill in them the desire to always want to do what is right so that we can be with Daxton again.

I was talking with my Aunt this afternoon who will be 80 on her next birthday. She has accomplished all that she wants to in life, she has set her goals and made them, she is living as righteously as she knows how. She is read to go. It will be sad when she dies, but she won't be sad when she goes. There are many loved ones in Heaven that are waiting for her. Oh how I envy her, she is so close.

There were some napkins at work we used on New Years Eve that had these listed: gain 10 pounds, work out less, eat more chips, and be late for work. I actually thought they were humorous. While they are not my personal goals, they would be attainable for me, but wouldn't necessarily make me a better person. This year I have set a few goals. I want to fulfill them so I have chosen a few that are actually attainable. There is no use in setting goals that you fail before you even start.

It is a new year. We should try new things, begin anew. January is a good month, a month to start over, a new beginning.