I had forgotten how productive I used to be in the mornings.....
It has been a long time since I have seen the early hours of the morning. I woke up at 615am and went running at 630am for 4 miles. It was exhilarating. I remember the days when I used to think that I would NOT get up early in the am for less than 6 miles. OH boy those were the days. That are OVER. If I get up at all, I consider myself exceeding all expectations :).
Well anyhow, I went running. It felt good.
Then I got home. I did 2 loads of laundry, emptied the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, picked up the girls toys, fed the kids breakfast..... all BEFORE 830.
After all that, I had a nap.
Doug asked the girls the other day what was their funnest memory of when Granny and Grandpa were here. After we went to Jeepers, Bounce U, Ice skating, had an Easter egg hunt, and a trip to Target where the girls got matching outfits....
Savannah said, "When Brody chased me and when Brody by me (by me= lay by her at bedtime)"
Mikenna said, "When we went for a walk."
Ah, the simple things. I wonder at what age we get so spoiled that we forget about the simple things in our life. When do we stop appreciating the things in life that are truly important. Really, it doesn't matter what brand of clothes we wear, how big our house is, what kind of car we drive, or what big activities we plan. It is the simple things. Like spending time with family. Like reading story to the kids. Like making "projects" as the girls call any activity requiring glue, paper, and scissors, or taking a few minutes to lay by the girls.
This morning, Mikenna was begging me to go for a bike ride. Lately, this is her new thing. She LOVES to go on bike rides and BEGS any chance she gets. SO the long awaited bike ride came this afternoon. I needed to pick up the house, make dinner, feed Isabella, and get ready for work.... I had a million things to do. I thought to myself.... hmm what is she going to remember, that we had chicken alfredo and the house was clean? OR will she remember that I took her on a bike ride? And if she does remember one over the other, which one will she care more about? So on the bike ride we went, messy house, leftovers, and a bottle for Isabella (and I forgot my planner, checkbook, and cell phone at home). BUT WE GOT THE BIKE RIDE.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sleepless Nights
Last night as I was holding my baby girl, she was SO fussy. I just couldn't get her to stop. I think she had a belly ache. It was really sad. For her. And me. We were both so exhausted as it was about 1am....
Sometimes when I am holding Isabella in my arms or in the middle of the night when I get up, I get "confused." Often I will forget it is Isabella and think it is Daxton, when he was a baby. I will nurse her and I get the feeling it is him. Or I will be up in the middle of the night and my mind will revert back to the sleepless nights I was up with Daxton when he was first born.
Interesting how your mind plays tricks on you. Well mine does anyway. So as I was up with Isabella, my mind wandered to what I used to do when Daxton wouldn't go to sleep and was fussy and I just couldn't hold him anymore. I would take him into his bedroom, place him in his crib (crying mind you) but I couldn't bare to let him cry alone. I just knew I couldn't hold him anymore. So I would lay by him on the bed beside his crib and I would put my hand on his and I would stay there until he calmed down and went to sleep. I miss that.
If there is one thing I have learned in all this, it is that life is SO very fragile. It can be taken away at any given moment. Any given second. I often make myself sick with worry when I put Savannah on the bus or drop Mikenna off at school or put Isabella down for a nap or drive in my car. Anything. I continue to remind myself that each day is a new day and I should be grateful for every one of them I have.
Sometimes when I am holding Isabella in my arms or in the middle of the night when I get up, I get "confused." Often I will forget it is Isabella and think it is Daxton, when he was a baby. I will nurse her and I get the feeling it is him. Or I will be up in the middle of the night and my mind will revert back to the sleepless nights I was up with Daxton when he was first born.
Interesting how your mind plays tricks on you. Well mine does anyway. So as I was up with Isabella, my mind wandered to what I used to do when Daxton wouldn't go to sleep and was fussy and I just couldn't hold him anymore. I would take him into his bedroom, place him in his crib (crying mind you) but I couldn't bare to let him cry alone. I just knew I couldn't hold him anymore. So I would lay by him on the bed beside his crib and I would put my hand on his and I would stay there until he calmed down and went to sleep. I miss that.
If there is one thing I have learned in all this, it is that life is SO very fragile. It can be taken away at any given moment. Any given second. I often make myself sick with worry when I put Savannah on the bus or drop Mikenna off at school or put Isabella down for a nap or drive in my car. Anything. I continue to remind myself that each day is a new day and I should be grateful for every one of them I have.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Ode to the FUN!!!
Ok there are going to be a lot of pics!!! This is for Doug's family who weren't able to make it this last week. WE had SO much FUN! It is too quiet in the house today.
Well I can't figure out how to copy and paste pics in a different order, only move them and that takes FOREVER. So these are out of order, but still super fun. We saw RED at where else than Red Robin. It was really fun. He is there on Tuesday nights from 530 to 730. The girls loved him. The boy? Not so much :).
OK so we went to Jeepers. $5 fun. SERIOUSLY.... It was AMAZING. Ok not really, but for a little kid, it is almost as fun as Disneyland, because there are about 7 rides to go on and you can do them as many times as you want, and if you go on a Wednesday afternoon, NOBODY is there, so there is NO lines. It really is fun. Back to Savannah. This picture is her on the "bumper cars." She was so hilarious. Every time she was bumped it was like she was going to jump out of the seat. It was also really great when was bumped the first time by a little boy she didn't know. She pointed her finger at him and in her most grown up Savannah voice began to cuss him. I about died laughing.
The spinning monkey barrell. I wondered why they all looked a little sea sick when they got off this ride. It goes around and around and around in circles and if that isn't enough round and round for you, then you could spin yourself inside like the tea cups. Oh man.
A little choo choo train. Just perfect after the roller coaster which was INSANE!!!
While the little kids played on the rides, the big boys were playing video games, winning tickets to buy something special for their wives :). Thanks honey!! But truly what make me happy is to have my girls happy, so they decided to buy the girls these little squeaking duck puppets. It was perfect. Especially for the car that had the three squeaking ducks......
Granny orchestrated a MARVELOUS easter egg hunt. The kids walked away with a loot of prizes; lip gloss, bouncey balls, barretts, bows, but most importantly CASH!! Mikenna used that in combination with her birthday money to buy "Thumbelina," the new Barbie movie.
Reading "Poohs Easter Egg Hunt" before we went across the street to look for ours.
For those of you who don't know my husband very well. He is HILARIOUS. Since he has been married to me, this has calmed a bit (because I am SOOOO boring), but when he gets back with his family he reverts back to the man I fell in love with.
This along with many other funny moments was.... well. Also disgusting. With so many boyz at our house, this was bound to happen. Our toilet was plugged. I had Doug use our plunger and then borrow my parents.... well they both worked. NOT. So he gloved up as you can see, and took care of the problem. I know. Gross. But when you are a poor college student on a Sunday with a plugged toilet you revert to drastic measures. This is not the case now, but my husband, always the fix it guy, took matters into his own hands.
The funniest part about this is Savannah in the corner, whom you can't see, was chanting and yelling, "Good boy" "Great job" "You're awesome" and clapping with some serious delight. Hopefully she doesn't put two and two together and plug the toilet, just so she can see her daddy glove up and save the day.
Here are the boys sucking on lemons. Yes. Lemons. From the lemon tree.
Yes folks, you saw correctly. It is the middle of March and they are SWIMMING! Lest you be confused that it is WARM here enough to swim; the water is about 68 degrees. They were CRAZY!!! BUT it was good fun.
Swimming and Ice Skating all in the same day? Wow where do we live we can do such two extremes. Aren't we lucky?
The last few weeks we have had many a trip to the cemetery for picnics. Here is the picnic with the Kunz's. The girls are sporting their new sunglasses :) Thanks aunt Gel!!!
All the cousins, well T, A, Sav, and Mik were playing Barbies, games, and in the kitchen. I was amazed at how well everyone got along. T was so good with Sav, it was really great. And Mik had SO much fun with A. Truly two peas in a pod. This is T reading the girls a story. Wow that will sure be nice when Mik can read! (by herself)
It was sure fun to have you all here!!! Thanks for you help; doing dishes, laundry, changing sheets, making beds, cooking lunch, and most of all THANKS FOR A GOOD TIME!!!
Well I can't figure out how to copy and paste pics in a different order, only move them and that takes FOREVER. So these are out of order, but still super fun. We saw RED at where else than Red Robin. It was really fun. He is there on Tuesday nights from 530 to 730. The girls loved him. The boy? Not so much :).
OK so we went to Jeepers. $5 fun. SERIOUSLY.... It was AMAZING. Ok not really, but for a little kid, it is almost as fun as Disneyland, because there are about 7 rides to go on and you can do them as many times as you want, and if you go on a Wednesday afternoon, NOBODY is there, so there is NO lines. It really is fun. Back to Savannah. This picture is her on the "bumper cars." She was so hilarious. Every time she was bumped it was like she was going to jump out of the seat. It was also really great when was bumped the first time by a little boy she didn't know. She pointed her finger at him and in her most grown up Savannah voice began to cuss him. I about died laughing.
The spinning monkey barrell. I wondered why they all looked a little sea sick when they got off this ride. It goes around and around and around in circles and if that isn't enough round and round for you, then you could spin yourself inside like the tea cups. Oh man.
A little choo choo train. Just perfect after the roller coaster which was INSANE!!!
While the little kids played on the rides, the big boys were playing video games, winning tickets to buy something special for their wives :). Thanks honey!! But truly what make me happy is to have my girls happy, so they decided to buy the girls these little squeaking duck puppets. It was perfect. Especially for the car that had the three squeaking ducks......
Granny orchestrated a MARVELOUS easter egg hunt. The kids walked away with a loot of prizes; lip gloss, bouncey balls, barretts, bows, but most importantly CASH!! Mikenna used that in combination with her birthday money to buy "Thumbelina," the new Barbie movie.
Reading "Poohs Easter Egg Hunt" before we went across the street to look for ours.
For those of you who don't know my husband very well. He is HILARIOUS. Since he has been married to me, this has calmed a bit (because I am SOOOO boring), but when he gets back with his family he reverts back to the man I fell in love with.This along with many other funny moments was.... well. Also disgusting. With so many boyz at our house, this was bound to happen. Our toilet was plugged. I had Doug use our plunger and then borrow my parents.... well they both worked. NOT. So he gloved up as you can see, and took care of the problem. I know. Gross. But when you are a poor college student on a Sunday with a plugged toilet you revert to drastic measures. This is not the case now, but my husband, always the fix it guy, took matters into his own hands.
The funniest part about this is Savannah in the corner, whom you can't see, was chanting and yelling, "Good boy" "Great job" "You're awesome" and clapping with some serious delight. Hopefully she doesn't put two and two together and plug the toilet, just so she can see her daddy glove up and save the day.
Here are the boys sucking on lemons. Yes. Lemons. From the lemon tree.
Yes folks, you saw correctly. It is the middle of March and they are SWIMMING! Lest you be confused that it is WARM here enough to swim; the water is about 68 degrees. They were CRAZY!!! BUT it was good fun.
Swimming and Ice Skating all in the same day? Wow where do we live we can do such two extremes. Aren't we lucky?
The last few weeks we have had many a trip to the cemetery for picnics. Here is the picnic with the Kunz's. The girls are sporting their new sunglasses :) Thanks aunt Gel!!!
All the cousins, well T, A, Sav, and Mik were playing Barbies, games, and in the kitchen. I was amazed at how well everyone got along. T was so good with Sav, it was really great. And Mik had SO much fun with A. Truly two peas in a pod. This is T reading the girls a story. Wow that will sure be nice when Mik can read! (by herself)It was sure fun to have you all here!!! Thanks for you help; doing dishes, laundry, changing sheets, making beds, cooking lunch, and most of all THANKS FOR A GOOD TIME!!!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Whipping cream and Sprinkles
These past few weeks have been SUPER fun, crazy, full of partying, late nights, and LOTS of family. And we have LOVED every minute of it. I love to have family in town and I hate to see them go. Really. I am not one of those who LOVES see them come and loves to see them go. Quite the opposite. Especially when your in laws are as GREAT as mine. Sorry if they aren't :).
We have been to Jeepers, a fun little kid amusement park. We have been to Bounce U, a fun big people and little people place where you bounce, go on slides, have boxing matches, and much much more. We have eaten until we think we are going to fall off our goard (or just make it LARGER). We have been to Polar Ice, an ice skating rink, where we fell and got up many a time. And we have just hung out watching movies, basketball, and each other. It has been great!!!
The other night we went to Red Robin and Mikenna as usual put in her order and was dismayed when her cousin received a chocolate milkshake. Ya. We don't even know what those are. Well my girls don't anyway, because of the strict diet we adhere to with Savannah. But that is beside the point. SOOOO we tried to pacify her by rounding up enough milk to shake into a glass. It was enough to fill it, but we were missing something. Mikenna about had a coniption fit. LUCKILY granny came to the rescue. She convinced Mikenna to crawl into her lap and tell her what the matter was. She told her she wanted to have whipping cream and sprinkles just like her cousins. That was all it took to cheer her mood.
Granny said, "you know why not just fix it with a little whipping cream and sprinkles if that is all that will make her happy."
I have thought this was such a simple, yet profound statement. Since then (it was only last night) I have had many experiences with her (Mikenna) where with just a little bit of whipping cream and sprinkles I can make her happy. In most cases this works and for that tid bit of advice I am grateful. Just the simple things can make my girls happy. If I just give a little more and "make a point" a little less.
I often find myself in a power struggle with my girls. Where I am "the mom" and they are "the children." While this is important to establish, there is a little bit of give and take that can be had here. We don't always have to 'win.' Where does that get us? If I can lay by Mikenna and give her a drink of milk before bed to make her happy? Why not? And how long does it take to answer the request to "Mommy, tell me a story." All but 2 minutes. 2 minutes. In the scheme of things, that 2 minutes is more important than anything I have to do. I am here to raise my girls, not ignore them so I can do what I want to do. My life right now is them. They are mine. And I love them.
We have been to Jeepers, a fun little kid amusement park. We have been to Bounce U, a fun big people and little people place where you bounce, go on slides, have boxing matches, and much much more. We have eaten until we think we are going to fall off our goard (or just make it LARGER). We have been to Polar Ice, an ice skating rink, where we fell and got up many a time. And we have just hung out watching movies, basketball, and each other. It has been great!!!
The other night we went to Red Robin and Mikenna as usual put in her order and was dismayed when her cousin received a chocolate milkshake. Ya. We don't even know what those are. Well my girls don't anyway, because of the strict diet we adhere to with Savannah. But that is beside the point. SOOOO we tried to pacify her by rounding up enough milk to shake into a glass. It was enough to fill it, but we were missing something. Mikenna about had a coniption fit. LUCKILY granny came to the rescue. She convinced Mikenna to crawl into her lap and tell her what the matter was. She told her she wanted to have whipping cream and sprinkles just like her cousins. That was all it took to cheer her mood.
Granny said, "you know why not just fix it with a little whipping cream and sprinkles if that is all that will make her happy."
I have thought this was such a simple, yet profound statement. Since then (it was only last night) I have had many experiences with her (Mikenna) where with just a little bit of whipping cream and sprinkles I can make her happy. In most cases this works and for that tid bit of advice I am grateful. Just the simple things can make my girls happy. If I just give a little more and "make a point" a little less.
I often find myself in a power struggle with my girls. Where I am "the mom" and they are "the children." While this is important to establish, there is a little bit of give and take that can be had here. We don't always have to 'win.' Where does that get us? If I can lay by Mikenna and give her a drink of milk before bed to make her happy? Why not? And how long does it take to answer the request to "Mommy, tell me a story." All but 2 minutes. 2 minutes. In the scheme of things, that 2 minutes is more important than anything I have to do. I am here to raise my girls, not ignore them so I can do what I want to do. My life right now is them. They are mine. And I love them.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Blessings
Let it be known: I am in NO way shape or form grateful that my little chubba wubba died. HOWEVER, I am grateful for all I have been blessed with since he died.
I have been able to renew friendships.
I have started a blog that will be a journal and a keepsake for me and my family.
I have had my cousin Brooke visit me 2 times in one year!!!!!
I have had my in laws come down to see our house and where we live and what we do. (And it has been SO much fun)
I have had a beautiful new baby Isabella who has been truly a blessing in our lives.
I appreciate my girls more.
I don't take for granted what is right in front of me.
I enjoy the "now" and don't "wish" away the time.
My testimony has been strengthened.
I have been able to learn many new "projects" or "homemaking" skills if you will, (although I really could do without them, if I had my little man)
There is a deeper love in my home.
There is a deeper appreciation for life.
There is an increase in compassion for others.
When I hear of a tragedy, I don't just think about it in passing, I mourn for those involved in the tragedy.
I have more empathy.
I have experienced the depths of depression and come out on top (a number of times).
I have more compassion towards those who suffer from depression.
I have co-created a "Daxton Box" so that other families might know they are not alone.
I have met so many wonderful new people, made so many new lifelong friends, and hopefully touched the lives of others for the better.
I have knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, that it is real, and that I will be able to return to my son and raise him some day.
I have a deeper love for my husband and my family.
I mourn for those that mourn and try to comfort those who need to be comforted.
I wish every day that I could bring him back, that I could rewind the clock nearly 10 months and do it all differently, but alas, it isn't so. I hope that when I do see Daxton again, that I will be worthy to raise him, that his life will have been worth being taken from me, that I will be a better person for enduring such a tragedy.
These are the blessings I am grateful for.
I have been able to renew friendships.
I have started a blog that will be a journal and a keepsake for me and my family.
I have had my cousin Brooke visit me 2 times in one year!!!!!
I have had my in laws come down to see our house and where we live and what we do. (And it has been SO much fun)
I have had a beautiful new baby Isabella who has been truly a blessing in our lives.
I appreciate my girls more.
I don't take for granted what is right in front of me.
I enjoy the "now" and don't "wish" away the time.
My testimony has been strengthened.
I have been able to learn many new "projects" or "homemaking" skills if you will, (although I really could do without them, if I had my little man)
There is a deeper love in my home.
There is a deeper appreciation for life.
There is an increase in compassion for others.
When I hear of a tragedy, I don't just think about it in passing, I mourn for those involved in the tragedy.
I have more empathy.
I have experienced the depths of depression and come out on top (a number of times).
I have more compassion towards those who suffer from depression.
I have co-created a "Daxton Box" so that other families might know they are not alone.
I have met so many wonderful new people, made so many new lifelong friends, and hopefully touched the lives of others for the better.
I have knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, that it is real, and that I will be able to return to my son and raise him some day.
I have a deeper love for my husband and my family.
I mourn for those that mourn and try to comfort those who need to be comforted.
I wish every day that I could bring him back, that I could rewind the clock nearly 10 months and do it all differently, but alas, it isn't so. I hope that when I do see Daxton again, that I will be worthy to raise him, that his life will have been worth being taken from me, that I will be a better person for enduring such a tragedy.
These are the blessings I am grateful for.
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Lighter Note
This last week, I had my FAVE cousin Brooke in town with her SWEET little family. We had so much fun doing NOTHING!!! That is the best. When you can get together with someone, do absolutely nothing, and have SO much fun.
Her kids are absolutely HILARIOUS. I never knew there could be so much drama. It was fun to watch and I just died laughing about every other conversation I had with them. Riley is 5 and Mason is 3.
Here are some funny little tidbits from the weekend:
Riley: She came in from outside and serious as a heart attack says,
"Daddy, I want to catch a bird. Do you think that I should get a box and set a trap for it? Or should I paint myself green and brown and stand really still like a tree so the bird can land on me?"
I thought I was going to PEE my pants it was so cute.
Mason: Mikenna and Riley wanted to paint their nails... so they did, purple, blue, silver. And Mason wanted to paint his too. It was so cute. We have some "clear" purple and pink, so I told Mikenna to use those colors. He came in and Brooke asked him to put his cars away. His reply,
"Mommy, I can't touch my cars because my fingernails are wet." LOLOLOL!!!!
Savannah: As you woman might know, March Madness has begun. If there is a time I could live without, now would be it..... Doug and Aaron watched basketball all the day long. Well Savannah got sick of it, grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. She told daddy,
"No more football." To which he replied,
"It isn't football, it is basketball" took the remote from her and turned the TV back on. She then took back the remote, turned the TV back off, and said,
"I am going to put it up high, so you can't reach it." Then stood up on her tippy toes and put it as high as she could.
Oh Savannah, you are a treat!!!
Her kids are absolutely HILARIOUS. I never knew there could be so much drama. It was fun to watch and I just died laughing about every other conversation I had with them. Riley is 5 and Mason is 3.
Here are some funny little tidbits from the weekend:
Riley: She came in from outside and serious as a heart attack says,
"Daddy, I want to catch a bird. Do you think that I should get a box and set a trap for it? Or should I paint myself green and brown and stand really still like a tree so the bird can land on me?"
I thought I was going to PEE my pants it was so cute.
Mason: Mikenna and Riley wanted to paint their nails... so they did, purple, blue, silver. And Mason wanted to paint his too. It was so cute. We have some "clear" purple and pink, so I told Mikenna to use those colors. He came in and Brooke asked him to put his cars away. His reply,
"Mommy, I can't touch my cars because my fingernails are wet." LOLOLOL!!!!
Savannah: As you woman might know, March Madness has begun. If there is a time I could live without, now would be it..... Doug and Aaron watched basketball all the day long. Well Savannah got sick of it, grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. She told daddy,
"No more football." To which he replied,
"It isn't football, it is basketball" took the remote from her and turned the TV back on. She then took back the remote, turned the TV back off, and said,
"I am going to put it up high, so you can't reach it." Then stood up on her tippy toes and put it as high as she could.
Oh Savannah, you are a treat!!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
No amount
I hesitated posting these raw feelings. Don't judge me. It is but in this moment that I feel this way.
Oh my sweet baby,
No amount of loving on Isabella. No amount of loving on other babies. No amount of projects. No amount of pictures or memories or substitutes will bring you back to me. None. Nothing.
A piece of me died with you. A piece of my heart broke when you died. A piece of me will forever be lost because you are not with me on this earth.
Oh how I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your slobbery kisses. I miss not having to brush by comments that might be hurtful to me or offend me. I miss not having to ignore comments that might offend me or not say comments that might offend others because I am offended or hurt their feelings. I miss being 'normal.' I don't like this new normal. It hurts. It sucks.
I should have two babies at home with me. I should have one more spot in my car filled. I should have to have bought another crib or toddler bed for you. I should have seen you walk and talk and say mommy. I should be crazy with 4 kids. But alas, I am not. A part of me is missing. A part of me died with you.
I hate that I can't look at pictures of you. I hate that I don't ALWAYS think of you. I hate that I don't have time to cry. That I put it off until I can't hold it any longer. I hate that when I hold Isabella I wish it were you in my arms. I hate that I feel like a bad mother for thinking so. I hate that when I think of Isabella as a one year old, (which she may not make it to because who knows if she will be with me or if she will be taken away) that I think of you and wish you could be here. I hate that it has been over 9 months and I still have the very same raw emotions perk up that I had the moment I found out you had left me. I hate that there are other moms who have to lose their children.
I wish that I could take that hurt away from those moms and pile it on to my grief. I wish that when I woke up to a crying baby it was you. I wish that when I held a crying baby it was you. I wish that I could take you out and walk the halls at church. I wish that when I opened the doors to nursery I saw you playing with the playdough. I wish that you were under my feet so that I could step on you, that you could slobber all over your shirt and get boogers all over and when I took you out in public people would think I was a bad mom because I made you wear wet clothes and didn't wipe your nose. I wish you were here to wave by to me when I went to work. I with that you were here to greet me when I came home. I wish that you were here to toddle around and complain you weren't getting any attention while I was nursing Isabella. I wish that you were here so that Mikenna could play with you. So that she wouldn't have to ask to have other little babies come over and play just so she could have a 'substitute.' I wish that I didn't need a substitute. I wish that when there was a substitute for you that it wasn't really a substitute.
I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to raise you.
Love,
Mom
PS For all of you who read this, please kiss your babies. Please don't take them for granted. Please take this moment to try to choose to do one thing better tomorrow.
Oh my sweet baby,
No amount of loving on Isabella. No amount of loving on other babies. No amount of projects. No amount of pictures or memories or substitutes will bring you back to me. None. Nothing.
A piece of me died with you. A piece of my heart broke when you died. A piece of me will forever be lost because you are not with me on this earth.
Oh how I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your slobbery kisses. I miss not having to brush by comments that might be hurtful to me or offend me. I miss not having to ignore comments that might offend me or not say comments that might offend others because I am offended or hurt their feelings. I miss being 'normal.' I don't like this new normal. It hurts. It sucks.
I should have two babies at home with me. I should have one more spot in my car filled. I should have to have bought another crib or toddler bed for you. I should have seen you walk and talk and say mommy. I should be crazy with 4 kids. But alas, I am not. A part of me is missing. A part of me died with you.
I hate that I can't look at pictures of you. I hate that I don't ALWAYS think of you. I hate that I don't have time to cry. That I put it off until I can't hold it any longer. I hate that when I hold Isabella I wish it were you in my arms. I hate that I feel like a bad mother for thinking so. I hate that when I think of Isabella as a one year old, (which she may not make it to because who knows if she will be with me or if she will be taken away) that I think of you and wish you could be here. I hate that it has been over 9 months and I still have the very same raw emotions perk up that I had the moment I found out you had left me. I hate that there are other moms who have to lose their children.
I wish that I could take that hurt away from those moms and pile it on to my grief. I wish that when I woke up to a crying baby it was you. I wish that when I held a crying baby it was you. I wish that I could take you out and walk the halls at church. I wish that when I opened the doors to nursery I saw you playing with the playdough. I wish that you were under my feet so that I could step on you, that you could slobber all over your shirt and get boogers all over and when I took you out in public people would think I was a bad mom because I made you wear wet clothes and didn't wipe your nose. I wish you were here to wave by to me when I went to work. I with that you were here to greet me when I came home. I wish that you were here to toddle around and complain you weren't getting any attention while I was nursing Isabella. I wish that you were here so that Mikenna could play with you. So that she wouldn't have to ask to have other little babies come over and play just so she could have a 'substitute.' I wish that I didn't need a substitute. I wish that when there was a substitute for you that it wasn't really a substitute.
I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to raise you.
Love,
Mom
PS For all of you who read this, please kiss your babies. Please don't take them for granted. Please take this moment to try to choose to do one thing better tomorrow.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Today
So many thoughts run through my head as I think about today. There are many emotions swimming around in here.... I think of moms who have recently lost their children. They are just starting on this horrible journey. I hear their stories and I cry for them. I feel for them. I hope that they are comforted. I hope that they can find peace. Losing a child? Well there is just no 'fairness' about it. I have recently heard of more tragic stories than my own. I never thought I would say that out loud. Or write it for that matter.I had Daxton for 1 year and 9 days. That is more than some of the mothers I have met have had their little angels. I am grateful that I had him for as long as I did. Do I wish that it would have been longer? OF COURSE!!! Do I wish I could see him again right now beside me and give me a big hug and make all the hurt go away? OF COURSE!!! But it is not so just yet. I am to wait what seems like an eternity.
I am comforted though, as I watch Isabella grow. I was sitting in church yesterday and was looking around at all of the people of different ages. How quickly time goes, how quickly we age, how quickly we grow up. I am trying to enjoy the 'now,' the time I have with my kids, the time I have with my husband, and the time I have with my extended family. Life is short, although sometimes it seems SO long
I was able to attend Sunday School ( I am in the primary in my home ward) and the lesson was on Emma Smith, the wife of the Prophet Joseph Smith. How she suffered in her lifetime. She lost 7 out of 11 children. I can't even fathom. Her husband was beaten, taken from her on many occasions, and ultimately murdered. Once again. I can't even fathom. In a revelation given to Joseph Smith from God, she was told to not murmur and to find the good in her situation. (Doctrine and Covenants chapter 25).
If anyone had any right to murmur it would have been Emma Smith. With all of her suffering, sorrows, and tribulations, she had every right in my opinion to murmur. BUT, she didn't. (ok maybe she did a little bit, but I imagine she was able to find ways to serve others and lose herself in the service of others) She accepted that she was the wife of a great prophet. She accepted that she had the divine call to be the great lady she was and in order to mold her into the woman she was to become, she had to endure these trials.
I don't pretend to know what her thoughts, feelings, or attitude was. I can only guess. What I do know is that if I wanted to be bitter and hateful and spiteful and give up all I have been taught because of my suffering, I likely wouldn't be judged for it. It would seem I would have a 'right' to be mad or to fall away from the teachings I have been so dependent on in my life. I could find offense in every conversation I had. I could be angry and bitter and close myself off from the world. But I have chosen not to.
It hasn't been easy. There are good days and bad days, even now. 9 months later. It is often times hard for me to fathom that there are people who actually get to raise all of their children. It is much like when Savannah was born and was fed with a tube for 3 years, then Mikenna came along and sucked from a bottle. It was a miracle. My world has changed. I have been opened up to a room full of women who have angels as well as me. They have become my lifeline. The ones I depend on to get me through those hard days. They are the ones that know the loss of a child to a mother.
These last 9 months have molded me to the person I am today. Losing Daxton was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. But I am still here. I have survived up to this point. If you would have asked me 9 months ago if I thought I would be here, I would have said no. But here I am. And I am grateful.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
And the winner is.....
Isabella Kate took FIRST place in the cutest baby girl contest. DUH!! I am not going to lie. It was INTENSE. We spend 30 days taking many random shots of her. Day. Night. Afternoon. You name it. There were many contenders, all of whom didn't even come close to Isabella Kate. She won by a land slide. What did she win? You would ask. A GREAT BIG KISS!!! From me.
She is officially A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E. Her day 30 photo shoot. I know. Not really. So sue me. Being a new mom, well old mom of a newborn is VERY exhausting! I can't believe how much time I DON'T have. I am grateful for the distraction though. She is adorable. Fun. Sweet. LOVES to be held. In fact, when laid down there is an automatic switch that makes her cry. Currently she is asleep in the crook of my elbow, laying on the table. Seriously? She prefers it over her bed. WHATEVER. :)
Well anyway, here are the latest and greatest. My cousin took the REALLY good ones so don't mind the 'others.'
She is officially A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E. Her day 30 photo shoot. I know. Not really. So sue me. Being a new mom, well old mom of a newborn is VERY exhausting! I can't believe how much time I DON'T have. I am grateful for the distraction though. She is adorable. Fun. Sweet. LOVES to be held. In fact, when laid down there is an automatic switch that makes her cry. Currently she is asleep in the crook of my elbow, laying on the table. Seriously? She prefers it over her bed. WHATEVER. :)
Well anyway, here are the latest and greatest. My cousin took the REALLY good ones so don't mind the 'others.'
The Wedding
Well folks!!! The latest Walter eligible bachelor is NO longer available. Adam and his adorable bride, Chelsea Porter, became Mr. and Mrs. Adam Walter on Feb. 28th 2009. Yes, this is the reason I haven't blogged FOR. EVER. Sorry:).
It was a crazy day. Adam woke up with strep. I woke up with well, sicker than a dog. My sister was passed out on her bathroom floor because of food poisoning... she gave up drinking a few years ago (JUST KIDDING, never had a drop, just hilarious she was passed out, ok not really. Open mouth. Insert foot)
All was well. Ended well. Chelsea reports a sore throat. LOL! (Once again, not. funny. But kind of)
It was a crazy day. Adam woke up with strep. I woke up with well, sicker than a dog. My sister was passed out on her bathroom floor because of food poisoning... she gave up drinking a few years ago (JUST KIDDING, never had a drop, just hilarious she was passed out, ok not really. Open mouth. Insert foot)
All was well. Ended well. Chelsea reports a sore throat. LOL! (Once again, not. funny. But kind of)
Adam and Chelsea golfing. Obviously.
Savannah kept herself busy. OK her uncles kept busy by teasing her. I know. Shocking. There were 5 candles on the table and they would tell her to "look" and she did and when her head was turned they would blow the candle nearest her out. She would in turn cuss them. Hilarious.
Savannah giving "Papa" a little bit of advice. Out of the mouth of babes. We best listen.
Logan and Nat. SOOOOO adorable. Really. They are. Currently training for a marathon. A big shout out to you two!!! Then make us some babies :).
OK here are the cutest little girls in the WHOLE world. We certainly feel the missing "baby brother." I didn't have the heart to get a 'family' picture, so we didn't, but the girls I could handle.
Savannah. Enough said.
Mikenna. Once again. Enough said.
Have you ever seen two cuter girls? Ok maybe yours. But besides yours. :)Well that is that. We had a good time. Kids married. Good times. CONGRATS!!!!
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