Well Doug up and left me for work in Austin.... couldn't have that can I? So we are off to Heber with my mom and a few friends. It will be fun... I hope. I won't have access to a computer so I won't be posting until Tuesday. If you live in town, will you visit Daxton's grave on Sunday evening? I won't be here. It is marked with flowers and hopefully a marker (or I will seriously raise *&^#).
TTFN
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Here's to better days
I believe that I am entitled to have crabby days, sad days, days I just want to yell and scream and cry, and days that I am mad at people for no apparent reason. And then I believe that I should post those days, otherwise my fellow bloggers would think me super woman or extremely strong and courageous, and we don't want them to get the wrong idea (smile), or maybe we do (smile again).
However, I also believe that when I do post an albeit depressing, but realistic post, that I should follow it up with a more uplifting one to let friends, family, and fellow bloggers know I have pulled my head out of the water and am ready to breathe again.
As I was scrapbooking pages last night of Daxton's life, I was listening to the funeral (yes, I had a good cry, got some of it out) and as I listened to my dad's talk, his words touched me like they have the many times I have listened to it before. He says (and I paraphrase) that this is a trial that I (he) has been given and while it is not one he would have chosen for any of us, with all that he has been taught, with all that he has been blessed, now is the time to cling to the gospel truths he has been taught his whole life, to realize the blessings that have been given him and the many times his life has been spared. Now is the time to look back on our lives and see how we have grown to rely on the Spirit and trust in our Father in Heaven.I know I have been blessed. I know that the hand of my Father in Heaven has been in my life at the times when I needed Him most, even when I needed Him less, He has always been there. Someday when I am an old lady, sitting in my rocking chair with my old lady girlfriends, we will look back at this period of our lives and realize that there were only one set of footprints in the sand. We will also realize that there really are angels among us, that Daxton was here to walk beside us when we felt we couldn't go on, to give us an encouraging word or push or pull.
I know that day will come when I will wrap my arms around my little angel boy and we will exchange many stories and create many memories.... I just hope that day comes sooner rather than later :).loves to all
The Fog
So the last few days have been a blur. Sometimes I think that if I just ripped my heart out it would hurt less. I think, how is this fair? How can I really be one kid short? I still wake up in the morning hoping that it is all a bad dream. It is not.
I was talking with a friend the other night and said, "Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed, it would just be easier to stay there." To which she replied, "Is that better? Does it work?" I thought about it, "No, not really. I wouldn't get anything done and I am sure that by the end of the day I wouldn't feel any better about myself." So we concluded that we still need to get up and get showered to help us get through the day. Lying in bed all day, despite how good it might sound, is worse than actually getting out of bed and facing reality.
Hopefully the fog will let up soon and I won't have to drag myself to the gym. It makes me feel good, but is really embarrassing at the end of a workout when I have tears streaming down my face.
Heres to a better day tomorrow
I was talking with a friend the other night and said, "Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed, it would just be easier to stay there." To which she replied, "Is that better? Does it work?" I thought about it, "No, not really. I wouldn't get anything done and I am sure that by the end of the day I wouldn't feel any better about myself." So we concluded that we still need to get up and get showered to help us get through the day. Lying in bed all day, despite how good it might sound, is worse than actually getting out of bed and facing reality.
Hopefully the fog will let up soon and I won't have to drag myself to the gym. It makes me feel good, but is really embarrassing at the end of a workout when I have tears streaming down my face.
Heres to a better day tomorrow
Sunday, July 27, 2008
The Plan
This is a continued thought from one of my previous post "The Curve Ball."
I was getting ready for church this morning and I was thinking. Wow, this is sure not how I had planned my first 27 years of life. This is not how I planned the last 8 years of my marriage. Why is my "plan" not working like I thought it would. I have set goals, I have had Family Home Evening with my girls, we read our scriptures, we say our prayers, and yes we have our faults, but I like to think that for every time we "choose the right" that some of our faults can get canceled out :).
Today, I realized that despite my very best efforts to keep to a "plan," to set goals, and continue to meet those goals while raising my family, it is not MY "plan." It is our Heavenly Father's Plan. This thought actually took me a little by surprise as I was hustling to get the family ready and out the door to church on time.
Our Father in Heaven has a plan for us. He knows what will happen to and with each of us. He knows our trials and our heartaches. When we lived in Heaven with Him in the Pre-earth life, He taught us of His plan. We were to come down to earth, to gain a body. We were given our free agency, for our Father in Heaven is a fair God. He gave us prophets and apostles to teach us and guide us, to be His voice to us. We are here to be tested, sometimes beyond impossible limits. We are given the commandments and the scriptures and we are supposed to study them and learn from them. To get to know our Savior better. He sent His Son, even Jesus Christ to atone for all our sins so that we might have a chance at returning to our Father in Heaven. He gave us the Holy Ghost to guide us and direct us and help us to make the right decisions. This plan is The Plan of Salvation.
I know this. I know that Father in Heaven has a plan for me. I know the Plan of Salvation. I have been taught it my whole life. This is not to say that "my plan" for my life is in any way discounted, I just need to align my plan with my Father's plan. It is hard. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, there are times when I can't fall asleep. There are times when my entire body aches from the loss that I must bear, but I know that I have not done it alone. I also know that I am not the only one who has ever lost a child. This may sound terrible, but sometimes it is the only knowledge that helps me to sleep at night, to wake up the next morning, to continue with life. I am a survivor and I am not the only one.
I was getting ready for church this morning and I was thinking. Wow, this is sure not how I had planned my first 27 years of life. This is not how I planned the last 8 years of my marriage. Why is my "plan" not working like I thought it would. I have set goals, I have had Family Home Evening with my girls, we read our scriptures, we say our prayers, and yes we have our faults, but I like to think that for every time we "choose the right" that some of our faults can get canceled out :).
Today, I realized that despite my very best efforts to keep to a "plan," to set goals, and continue to meet those goals while raising my family, it is not MY "plan." It is our Heavenly Father's Plan. This thought actually took me a little by surprise as I was hustling to get the family ready and out the door to church on time.
Our Father in Heaven has a plan for us. He knows what will happen to and with each of us. He knows our trials and our heartaches. When we lived in Heaven with Him in the Pre-earth life, He taught us of His plan. We were to come down to earth, to gain a body. We were given our free agency, for our Father in Heaven is a fair God. He gave us prophets and apostles to teach us and guide us, to be His voice to us. We are here to be tested, sometimes beyond impossible limits. We are given the commandments and the scriptures and we are supposed to study them and learn from them. To get to know our Savior better. He sent His Son, even Jesus Christ to atone for all our sins so that we might have a chance at returning to our Father in Heaven. He gave us the Holy Ghost to guide us and direct us and help us to make the right decisions. This plan is The Plan of Salvation.
I know this. I know that Father in Heaven has a plan for me. I know the Plan of Salvation. I have been taught it my whole life. This is not to say that "my plan" for my life is in any way discounted, I just need to align my plan with my Father's plan. It is hard. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, there are times when I can't fall asleep. There are times when my entire body aches from the loss that I must bear, but I know that I have not done it alone. I also know that I am not the only one who has ever lost a child. This may sound terrible, but sometimes it is the only knowledge that helps me to sleep at night, to wake up the next morning, to continue with life. I am a survivor and I am not the only one.
Friday, July 25, 2008
What to do?
I was inspired by a similar post of a friend who lost her baby a week after Daxton to write about how to help a friend or loved one who have suffered a loss. I have often thought of this. I still don't really know what helps. I know all the things that don't. There is nothing right to say, everything is wrong, at least that was how I felt. I have been on the other side, I have done and said all the wrong things. Having been on this side has given me more of an outlook and insight to true grieving. Hopefully I can gather my thoughts enough to put them on to "paper."
I recently came across a book called "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Dekylen. This is the main source of my thoughts tonight.
Things to do to "help"
Be there for your friend or family member, even when you don't understand: I would never expect you to understand. I would hope and pray that you never knew the loss that we have felt so dear. Just being there is all. I had a friend come over, giving up her job, and her birthday, dropping everything (like so many of you did) and she said what can I do. She brought paint brushes to paint, she brought mounds of stuff to decorate Daxton's room, and she stayed, even on her birthday. So many of you gave up what you were doing, gave up your kids, and your time to be with me at the moments when I needed you most. Family traveled thousands of miles and friends too. With each person that walked into the viewing or funeral, I would nudge Doug and say, "Look babe, look at who is here." The love and support was more than I could ever have imagined.
Another of my friends would just listen, we laid on Daxton's bed and just cried together, another gave me a months worth of hugs each time she came over, every day, just for a hug. Another texts me daily just to check in, and that is just the surface. I would take up the entire world wide web if I continued to list them.
Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying: It is nice to laugh. I don't always want to cry, I don't always want to talk. It is nice to just have someone there for what I need. Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks for awhile. It helps to know that someone still cares.
Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. If they don't want to talk they won't answer the phone. Leave a message. Let your friend know you care. Answering machines and email are a great way to keep in touch. Avoid offering easy answers. Be patient, don't try to rush your friend through their loss.
Don't make the loss the elephant in the room, acknowledge it. I was so grateful when we went out to dinner with a couple we hadn't seen for 6 years and they brought up Daxton. It was a small act of kindness on their part to acknowlede the loss. Give your friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the subject and don't be uncomfortable when they do cry. Go ahead and ask them questions about their loss, if they seem like talking about it.
Invite your friend to activities you are participating in. Let them decide if they want to go or not. They will tell you, or sometimes in my case avoid you :), but let it be their decision.
Last of all, don't assume that because your friend is having a "good" day that they actually are. They think about the loss all day and all night, it never leaves their mind. It takes all they can do mentally and physically to hold themselves together to have a "good" day. They aren't over their loss. It will remain with them for the rest of their lives.
I appreciate all the cards, hugs, time, traveling, hard work, phone calls, emails, texts, packages.... EVERYTHING!! Not one thing, big or small, has gone unnoticed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
loves
I recently came across a book called "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Dekylen. This is the main source of my thoughts tonight.
Things to do to "help"
Be there for your friend or family member, even when you don't understand: I would never expect you to understand. I would hope and pray that you never knew the loss that we have felt so dear. Just being there is all. I had a friend come over, giving up her job, and her birthday, dropping everything (like so many of you did) and she said what can I do. She brought paint brushes to paint, she brought mounds of stuff to decorate Daxton's room, and she stayed, even on her birthday. So many of you gave up what you were doing, gave up your kids, and your time to be with me at the moments when I needed you most. Family traveled thousands of miles and friends too. With each person that walked into the viewing or funeral, I would nudge Doug and say, "Look babe, look at who is here." The love and support was more than I could ever have imagined.
Another of my friends would just listen, we laid on Daxton's bed and just cried together, another gave me a months worth of hugs each time she came over, every day, just for a hug. Another texts me daily just to check in, and that is just the surface. I would take up the entire world wide web if I continued to list them.
Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying: It is nice to laugh. I don't always want to cry, I don't always want to talk. It is nice to just have someone there for what I need. Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks for awhile. It helps to know that someone still cares.
Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. If they don't want to talk they won't answer the phone. Leave a message. Let your friend know you care. Answering machines and email are a great way to keep in touch. Avoid offering easy answers. Be patient, don't try to rush your friend through their loss.
Don't make the loss the elephant in the room, acknowledge it. I was so grateful when we went out to dinner with a couple we hadn't seen for 6 years and they brought up Daxton. It was a small act of kindness on their part to acknowlede the loss. Give your friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the subject and don't be uncomfortable when they do cry. Go ahead and ask them questions about their loss, if they seem like talking about it.
Invite your friend to activities you are participating in. Let them decide if they want to go or not. They will tell you, or sometimes in my case avoid you :), but let it be their decision.
Last of all, don't assume that because your friend is having a "good" day that they actually are. They think about the loss all day and all night, it never leaves their mind. It takes all they can do mentally and physically to hold themselves together to have a "good" day. They aren't over their loss. It will remain with them for the rest of their lives.
I appreciate all the cards, hugs, time, traveling, hard work, phone calls, emails, texts, packages.... EVERYTHING!! Not one thing, big or small, has gone unnoticed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
loves
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The Curve Ball
I am a planner. I plan. From the time I was very young, I knew I wanted to be a doctor or at least work in the medical field. I wanted to be the doctor because they are the "boss" or so I used to think..... It was all planned, I would graduate from high school, go to college, get a degree in Chemistry, and on to Medical School where I would study surgery or pediatrics.
I think I really began to think about a medical career when I was involved in a car accident at the age of 15, (my first curve ball). At that first moment in the hospital when I walked into the bathroom to look at myself, I can still remember the reflection staring back at me. I had 3 VERY distinct scars, covers with about 200 black stitches. I was lucky though.... a plastic surgeon was there to stitch me up and send me on my way.
I was having a particularly hard day, when a good friend of mine at the time and I were sitting outside my house. I was really feeling sorry for myself, because I was really "ugly." He turned to me and asked, "What is different about you? Are you changed on the inside? You are still the same person I knew a few days ago. You are beautiful just like you always were, and this will all fade." I pondered on those words and thought to myself, "Yeah, snap out of it." Of course I had hard days after that. I underwent extensive plastic surgery and was very lucky in the end. I had very supportive friends and family, who never once judged me for what was on the outside.
When I graduated from high school, I moved out, went to college, and set my heart on a Chemistry major (seriously, why would anyone do that to themselves). I was finishing up my Associates at Ricks (BYU-I) when I met Doug (we won't really count this as a "curve ball" per se, but not necessarily part of the "plan"). We fell in love, got married, and moved to Provo (BYU- yet again, not part of my plan). We thought we would wait to have kids, "Get some school and then get some kids."
Also, not part of the plan..... We found out we were pregnant 6 months after we were married and 9 months later Savannah Ranae Kunz was born. When she was born the doctors said, "She is small, she is not growing, and she is failure to thrive, and by the way, she has a syndrome called 'Russell Silver Syndrome' (another post will have to cover this one)." All in all, it was not what we expected in our "plan." (another curve ball) We grieved the perfect child, we grieved with each of the trials and setbacks as she was in the NICU for 3 weeks, we grieved when she didn't hit the milestones as she should have. However, each time we picked ourselves up, and looked ahead to the next challenge and milestone in her life. No use sitting around crying about it. We are doers, so we did. We attended conventions, saw therapists, slews of doctors, and learned all that we could about how we could make Savannah successful in her life.
Today, she is happy, mostly healthy, albeit another diagnosis and another curve ball, but we manage day to day. It is the best we can do. She is walking and talking, eating, and going to school. All things that were constantly on our minds. I know there are many other challenges yet to come with her, but each of those curve balls will hopefully come one at a time and we can decide how we are going hit each one.
Fast forward 6 years and 2 precious babies later. Mikenna Marissa and Daxton Douglas. We went on a trip to Havasupai with a group of friends and left our babies home. Monday morning as we were hiking out, we got the call, the call I hope that NO one ever has to receive. Daxton was taken from us. My worst fear had come to pass, the curve ball that makes or breaks a person.
How does one pick up the pieces and go on? How does one get up ready to bat for the next pitch after that curve ball? How can you run even if you hit that ball? The answers are yet to come. I hope someday I can look back on this particular "bad pitch" and think, "I sure hit that curve ball right on the money, right back at the pitcher, and then I made a home run."
Life throws us all sorts of "curve balls." No one ever said it was fair. We get all sorts of "bad pitches" too. How are we going to handle each of those challenges? How are we going to pick up the pieces? Are we going to turn and run? Or are we going to stand up to bat again? I hope and pray that each of us will be able to stand up to our challenges, to face them, and then plow right through them. No matter what they may be, big or small.
If they are too big, I challenge you to get on your knees and ask our Savior to help you, to give you the strength that you need in order to make it through just one more day. Each day brings new challenges, new emotions, new events, and sometimes most importantly a clean slate.
I think I really began to think about a medical career when I was involved in a car accident at the age of 15, (my first curve ball). At that first moment in the hospital when I walked into the bathroom to look at myself, I can still remember the reflection staring back at me. I had 3 VERY distinct scars, covers with about 200 black stitches. I was lucky though.... a plastic surgeon was there to stitch me up and send me on my way.
I was having a particularly hard day, when a good friend of mine at the time and I were sitting outside my house. I was really feeling sorry for myself, because I was really "ugly." He turned to me and asked, "What is different about you? Are you changed on the inside? You are still the same person I knew a few days ago. You are beautiful just like you always were, and this will all fade." I pondered on those words and thought to myself, "Yeah, snap out of it." Of course I had hard days after that. I underwent extensive plastic surgery and was very lucky in the end. I had very supportive friends and family, who never once judged me for what was on the outside.
When I graduated from high school, I moved out, went to college, and set my heart on a Chemistry major (seriously, why would anyone do that to themselves). I was finishing up my Associates at Ricks (BYU-I) when I met Doug (we won't really count this as a "curve ball" per se, but not necessarily part of the "plan"). We fell in love, got married, and moved to Provo (BYU- yet again, not part of my plan). We thought we would wait to have kids, "Get some school and then get some kids."
Also, not part of the plan..... We found out we were pregnant 6 months after we were married and 9 months later Savannah Ranae Kunz was born. When she was born the doctors said, "She is small, she is not growing, and she is failure to thrive, and by the way, she has a syndrome called 'Russell Silver Syndrome' (another post will have to cover this one)." All in all, it was not what we expected in our "plan." (another curve ball) We grieved the perfect child, we grieved with each of the trials and setbacks as she was in the NICU for 3 weeks, we grieved when she didn't hit the milestones as she should have. However, each time we picked ourselves up, and looked ahead to the next challenge and milestone in her life. No use sitting around crying about it. We are doers, so we did. We attended conventions, saw therapists, slews of doctors, and learned all that we could about how we could make Savannah successful in her life.
Today, she is happy, mostly healthy, albeit another diagnosis and another curve ball, but we manage day to day. It is the best we can do. She is walking and talking, eating, and going to school. All things that were constantly on our minds. I know there are many other challenges yet to come with her, but each of those curve balls will hopefully come one at a time and we can decide how we are going hit each one.
Fast forward 6 years and 2 precious babies later. Mikenna Marissa and Daxton Douglas. We went on a trip to Havasupai with a group of friends and left our babies home. Monday morning as we were hiking out, we got the call, the call I hope that NO one ever has to receive. Daxton was taken from us. My worst fear had come to pass, the curve ball that makes or breaks a person.
How does one pick up the pieces and go on? How does one get up ready to bat for the next pitch after that curve ball? How can you run even if you hit that ball? The answers are yet to come. I hope someday I can look back on this particular "bad pitch" and think, "I sure hit that curve ball right on the money, right back at the pitcher, and then I made a home run."
Life throws us all sorts of "curve balls." No one ever said it was fair. We get all sorts of "bad pitches" too. How are we going to handle each of those challenges? How are we going to pick up the pieces? Are we going to turn and run? Or are we going to stand up to bat again? I hope and pray that each of us will be able to stand up to our challenges, to face them, and then plow right through them. No matter what they may be, big or small.
If they are too big, I challenge you to get on your knees and ask our Savior to help you, to give you the strength that you need in order to make it through just one more day. Each day brings new challenges, new emotions, new events, and sometimes most importantly a clean slate.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Three words
GUI----TAR HERO
Nuff said. This is what helps me make it through the day. This is what keeps my arms full when the house is quiet. I am still not yet very good, but with time I am sure I will be the "SHIZ"
Yes, she who vowed she would NEVER own a "nintendo" now has one in her house. NEVER say NEVER. I was caught in a weak moment after spending a few hours.... ok maybe more... at my in laws playing guitar hero and decided that I needed to have one... ok not only did we get one, but we got TWO!!! Guitar hero Legends of Rock and Guitar hero Aerosmith. So pathetic I know, but hey I need an outlet.
"If only's".... "What if's"
So this morning I woke up with all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" just staring me in the face. Usually I can keep them at bay, but today I woke up to Mikenna's "MOM.... MOM.... MOM.... DAD..... DAD.... Savannah is putting my clothes on!" Seriously? All I wanted to truly hear was Daxton hollering in his bed for me to come and get him to change his diaper. To no avail.Then came the well "what if" and "what if" and "if only." They only tear me up inside. Why do I think about them? Well usually I don't. I am usually pretty good about keeping them away. They do no good. It is what it is.
(I don't know how I feel about naked baby bath pictures, but as far as this one goes.... IT is pretty DARN CUTE!!!). So I have been looking for solace and thought, hmmm what should I do. Well, the obvious of course, and I opened my Book of Mormon to Mosiah 23:10. It reads:"Nevertheless, after much tribulation, the Lord did hear my cries, and did answer my prayers, and has made me an instrument in his hands in bringing so many of you to a knowledge of his truth."
I am not sure what this means for me, but it struck me that maybe I am supposed to share my story so that others will be able to be comforted during their trials and losses. The purpose of losing Daxton may not be clear to me right now, but it was in Heavenly Father's plan. While this is the hardest trial I have EVER had to face, there is such an outpouring of love and support from so many family, friends, and my fellow bloggers.
Another scripture I would like to share is in Mosiah 24:15. It reads,
"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma (Brittany) and his brethren (her family) were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."
While I am not sure how cheerful I have been about this, I know it is the will of the Lord. In my darkest hours, I know that the Lord is with me. I know that I am not doing this alone. If I was I would still be in bed from a month ago. He is buoying me up. My Father in Heaven send His Son, Jesus Christ to suffer for my sins and sorrows. He is strengthening me when I feel I have no more strength left in me. (this just gives me more strength to cry....)
There are days when I can't even fathom that he is gone, that I won't see him in this life. I wonder what he is doing. Is he watching us? What does he think of all the sorrow and grief we are going through? Does he visit us in our worst hours, when it is the hardest for us? I think so, I think he is watching over us and that he is closer than we really know. I think at times the veil is so very thin.I long for the day that I will see him again. I long for the day I will hold him in my arms, I long for the day I no longer have to imagine these "longings." I hope that I can do all that is possible to return to him and my Father in Heaven and be able to be found worthy of living with them for eternity.
Thanks for "listening"
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
"Why me" vs. "Why not me?"
So I have been reading or skimming a book called "The Life Beyond" by Robert Millet and Joseph McConkie. In it there is a chapter titled "When children die." I had been pondering a thought "why me?" A perfectly valid thought, but selfish at best. I have been corresponding with another mom who has lost her baby and she made a comment, "why not me?"
In the book I was reading a particularly interesting part... and I quote:
"Why do some children die and others live? Lacking a memory of what went on before... we as Latter day saints are not in a position to provide all the answers to all the questions that might arise. We rest secure in the knowledge that God is our Father, that he is intimately acquainted with each of us, that he knows the end from the beginning.... We rest secure in the knowledge that God knows what is best for each of us, and that he will bring to pass those conditions which will maximize our growth and further our opportunities for exaltation.
An eye of faith provides a heavenly perspective. Joseph the Seer asked, "Why is it that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting?" ... he found a partial answer to this most difficult question, "The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it is a proverb that the 'world grows weaker and wiser'; if that is the case, the world grows more wicked and corrupt. In the earlier ages of the world a righteous man, and a man of God and of intelligence, had a better chance to do good, to be believed and received than at the present day; but in these days such a man is opposed and persecuted by most of the inhabitants of the earth, and he has much sorrow to pass through here."
I have decided I am the type of person who is always up for a challenge. I decided it would be fun to run a marathon... ok done! I thought it would be a good idea to go to nursing school with 2 kids and one on the way... done! I like to have a full plate and I like to keep busy. I am happiest when I have stuff to do and deadlines to make.
The other day I was talking with a friend of mine and I mentioned that I am always up for a challenge. Seems as though Father in Heaven also thought I was up for a challenge. I imagine (well my dad imagined in his talk at the funeral) that in Heaven, before we came to earth Father in Heaven and I had a conversation that went something like this.
"Brittany, I have a very important task for you. I want you to raise my special spirits. I am going to send you 2 extra special ones, one will stay try your patience and you will learn and grow from her, she will teach you to love, and teach you to laugh. I will let her stay with you for most of your mortal life. I will also send you a special little boy. He will be with you for only a short while for I have a mission planned for him here with me. It won't be easy. Are you up for the challenge?"
"Yes Father, but I will need your help. Your son sacrificed his life for me so that we can be together forever as a family. I will need you to listen when I cry, I will need you to help me endure the pain and heartache that I am sure to feel. I will need my son to comfort me when I need him most. Please Father."
Then there was a voice in the background, "Father, can I help?"
"Yes, Lauralie. You can."
And so it is. I know Daxton is serving a mission in Heaven and he is helping me serve a mission here. All of my brothers and sister have served missions and I will be the only one in my family who was unable to serve a full time mission in my "youth." I now know what my mission is.
One more quote if I may,
Elder Bruce R. McConkie said: "There are certain spirits who come into this life only to receive bodies; for reasons that we do not know, but which are known in the infinite wisdom of the Eternal Father, they do not need the testing, probationary experiences of mortality. We come here for two great reasons- the first, to get a body; the second, to be tried, examined, schooled, and tested under mortal circumstances, to take a different type of probationary test than we underwent in the pre-(earth) life. There are some of the children of our Father, however, who come to earth to get a body- for that reason solely. They do not need the testings of his mortality."
In the book I was reading a particularly interesting part... and I quote:
"Why do some children die and others live? Lacking a memory of what went on before... we as Latter day saints are not in a position to provide all the answers to all the questions that might arise. We rest secure in the knowledge that God is our Father, that he is intimately acquainted with each of us, that he knows the end from the beginning.... We rest secure in the knowledge that God knows what is best for each of us, and that he will bring to pass those conditions which will maximize our growth and further our opportunities for exaltation.
An eye of faith provides a heavenly perspective. Joseph the Seer asked, "Why is it that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting?" ... he found a partial answer to this most difficult question, "The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it is a proverb that the 'world grows weaker and wiser'; if that is the case, the world grows more wicked and corrupt. In the earlier ages of the world a righteous man, and a man of God and of intelligence, had a better chance to do good, to be believed and received than at the present day; but in these days such a man is opposed and persecuted by most of the inhabitants of the earth, and he has much sorrow to pass through here."
I have decided I am the type of person who is always up for a challenge. I decided it would be fun to run a marathon... ok done! I thought it would be a good idea to go to nursing school with 2 kids and one on the way... done! I like to have a full plate and I like to keep busy. I am happiest when I have stuff to do and deadlines to make.
The other day I was talking with a friend of mine and I mentioned that I am always up for a challenge. Seems as though Father in Heaven also thought I was up for a challenge. I imagine (well my dad imagined in his talk at the funeral) that in Heaven, before we came to earth Father in Heaven and I had a conversation that went something like this.
"Brittany, I have a very important task for you. I want you to raise my special spirits. I am going to send you 2 extra special ones, one will stay try your patience and you will learn and grow from her, she will teach you to love, and teach you to laugh. I will let her stay with you for most of your mortal life. I will also send you a special little boy. He will be with you for only a short while for I have a mission planned for him here with me. It won't be easy. Are you up for the challenge?"
"Yes Father, but I will need your help. Your son sacrificed his life for me so that we can be together forever as a family. I will need you to listen when I cry, I will need you to help me endure the pain and heartache that I am sure to feel. I will need my son to comfort me when I need him most. Please Father."
Then there was a voice in the background, "Father, can I help?"
"Yes, Lauralie. You can."
And so it is. I know Daxton is serving a mission in Heaven and he is helping me serve a mission here. All of my brothers and sister have served missions and I will be the only one in my family who was unable to serve a full time mission in my "youth." I now know what my mission is.
One more quote if I may,
Elder Bruce R. McConkie said: "There are certain spirits who come into this life only to receive bodies; for reasons that we do not know, but which are known in the infinite wisdom of the Eternal Father, they do not need the testing, probationary experiences of mortality. We come here for two great reasons- the first, to get a body; the second, to be tried, examined, schooled, and tested under mortal circumstances, to take a different type of probationary test than we underwent in the pre-(earth) life. There are some of the children of our Father, however, who come to earth to get a body- for that reason solely. They do not need the testings of his mortality."
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Sunday will come
Just wanted to post a picture of my baby, with his chubby hands, and chubby feet. His chubby cheeks and chubby knees. I thought this was one of the last pictures taken of my baby, but then I saw it big and realized he only had one tooth on the bottom... so it was awhile ago. I did find this picture and fell in love with him all over again.
It has been a rough night. The last two days have been "good" living in the present and keeping busy, but all ups must have downs. I guess that is the way the process of "grief" goes. Lest you all be swayed, I am not always so strong. I have my moments. It is friends and family who listen that keep me going. It is not always easy to put on a smile and pretend everything is ok. The triggers come and go.
I love what Elder Russell M. Nelson taught,
"Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: 'Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.'(D&C 42:45.)
"Moreover, we can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now." (Doors of Death, Ensign, May 1992, 72)
I know our reunion with sweet Daxton will be every bit as joyful as is difficult our separation at this time.
I also love this quote by Elder Wirthlin after teaching about Christ's crucifixion and Resurrection on that glorious Sunday:
"Each of us will have our own Fridays (referencing that darkest of Friday's when the Savior was humiliated, bruised, and lifted upon the cross) —those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Sunday Will Come,” Ensign, Nov 2006, 28–30
I am grateful for these thoughts on mourning. It makes me feel less lonely and the light at the end of the tunnel becomes less dim.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Random thoughts by... well me :)
So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Seems like I do a lot of it, and talking, and writing. I thought I would share some quotes that have helped me through this difficult time in my life.
"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on this earth. Therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil and we shall have them again. The only difference between the old and the young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable world." -Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Preceeds the Miracle. p. 103
I have always felt that Daxton was a special spirit. For almost a year I gave up everything, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and I just spent time with him. I tried not to neglect the girls to much, but when I was frustrated with them, I would just go hold Daxton and feel of his love. I would cuddle him and coddle him and give him anything he wanted. I just wanted to be near him. I knew he was special.
I remember distinctly one day I was over at my moms and my dad was holding Daxton on the table and he looked at me and said, "this is one special human being who will accomplish great things." I thought about that over the last few weeks and really know that it is true. He truly was too perfect, too pure, and too lovely to live on this earth. I know that now in my head. ( I just need my heart to comply a little better :) ).
The other quote I want to share is
"When a mother is deprived of the pleasure and joy of rearing her babe to manhood or to womanhood in this life, through the hand of death, that privilege will be renewed to her hereafter, and she will enjoy it to a fuller fruition that it would be possible for her to do here. When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test." Joseph F Smith, Gospel Doctrine p 453
I was actually talking to a friend the other day about this. She asked me if I ever thought about Daxton being big. Right now he is in the Spirit world teaching the gospel to others and I know this. But I liked him little. I don't want to think of him big, because I really liked him little. So for now, I guess the answer would be no, I don't think of him as big, because I am not ready for that. I do know that his spirit was too big for his body though. He had a great work to do and while it is not here on this earth, he is heaven making a difference.
I appreciate all the comments and visitors of our blog. I didn't realize how many people actually read it until I got letters or notes or emails. I will try to do better posting. I also appreciate all the prayers and services offered on our behalf. Thank you so much.
Love to all
"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on this earth. Therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil and we shall have them again. The only difference between the old and the young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable world." -Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Preceeds the Miracle. p. 103
I have always felt that Daxton was a special spirit. For almost a year I gave up everything, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and I just spent time with him. I tried not to neglect the girls to much, but when I was frustrated with them, I would just go hold Daxton and feel of his love. I would cuddle him and coddle him and give him anything he wanted. I just wanted to be near him. I knew he was special.
I remember distinctly one day I was over at my moms and my dad was holding Daxton on the table and he looked at me and said, "this is one special human being who will accomplish great things." I thought about that over the last few weeks and really know that it is true. He truly was too perfect, too pure, and too lovely to live on this earth. I know that now in my head. ( I just need my heart to comply a little better :) ).
The other quote I want to share is
"When a mother is deprived of the pleasure and joy of rearing her babe to manhood or to womanhood in this life, through the hand of death, that privilege will be renewed to her hereafter, and she will enjoy it to a fuller fruition that it would be possible for her to do here. When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test." Joseph F Smith, Gospel Doctrine p 453
I was actually talking to a friend the other day about this. She asked me if I ever thought about Daxton being big. Right now he is in the Spirit world teaching the gospel to others and I know this. But I liked him little. I don't want to think of him big, because I really liked him little. So for now, I guess the answer would be no, I don't think of him as big, because I am not ready for that. I do know that his spirit was too big for his body though. He had a great work to do and while it is not here on this earth, he is heaven making a difference.
I appreciate all the comments and visitors of our blog. I didn't realize how many people actually read it until I got letters or notes or emails. I will try to do better posting. I also appreciate all the prayers and services offered on our behalf. Thank you so much.
Love to all
Monday, July 7, 2008
I miss Daxton, but I am grateful
Today marks 4 weeks since Daxton's passing.
I miss my baby. I miss everything about him. I miss his cute buns, I miss his blue eyes looking up at me when I get him out of his crib in the morning. I miss holding his hand. I miss cuddling with him. I miss giving him a bath, combing his hair. I miss changing his diaper and shopping for new clothes for him. I miss wrestling with him at church, I miss putting him in his carseat. I miss him in my arms when I am cooking or cleaning or doing my makeup. I miss rescuing him from Savannah and Mikenna. I miss his giggles, I miss him at my feet, I miss him crawling all over me when I am on the floor or the couch or the bed or outside. I miss swimming with him. I miss seeing him every second of every day. Oh how my heart aches to hold him and love him.
Although I miss my baby Daxton, I am grateful. I am grateful to friends and family who have gone out of their way to render their services to my family and I, whether it be through cards, emails, meals, or a listening ear. I am grateful for listening ears and hugs. I am grateful for my husband who is my rock through all of this. I am grateful to people who can relate with me even though it is painful for both of us. I am grateful for my girls. I am grateful they keep me going. I am grateful for the present. I am grateful that I will one day be with and raise my son. I pray that day comes soon. I am grateful for strength I never knew I would be able to posses. I am grateful for the angels I know have been circling around me even before Daxton's passing. I am grateful for the knowledge I have that I will live with Daxton again. I am grateful for the temple and the knowledge that I have we will be a family forever.
Each night I lay by the girls and talk to them. When I lay by Savannah it goes something like this. "Savannah, who is your best friend." She looks at me with her toothy smile, points her finger and says, "You, mommy." I then ask her, "Who is my best friend?" To which she replies, "Me" while pointing to herself and showing me her toothy smile. (yes I am brain washing my children... at least while I can)
When I lay by Mikenna, she usually gabs on and on and on and on and on. So tonight I thought I would try something different.... I said, "Mikenna, who is your best friend?" To which she replies, "It starts with a J----." I say, "Doesn't it start with an "M"?" She says, "No, a J---" I say, "Well isn't Mommy your best friend?" and she replies, "No, you are my mom." Well I guess I can only brain wash one of my children and that will have to do.
luvs to all
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