Tonight I found this

I wrote this for those tending the kids when Doug and I went to Las Vegas.... 5 of the 9 days I left him in his lifetime.

Daxton

5am: wakes up to eat (4-8 ounces)

7am: wakes up for the morning

9 or 10am: ready for a nap (feed him a few ounces 4 or so)

After naptime: I feed him “lunch”
Cheese stick
Crackers
Cereal
Yogurt
Mac n Cheese
#3 baby food jars
Pudding or small yogurt

2 or 3pm: nap #2 (4 ounces of milk or formula)

Dinner: smashed whatever I am having he loves potatos… also I have #3 baby foods (please USE them)
8pm: bedtime (4-8 ounces)

He is also a grazer, he likes to eat crackers, fishies, pretzels (although watch the choking factor when it falls to pieces from his gnawing), bread, cheese. Things that melt in your mouth are a good indicator of what he can eat.

Milk in the freezer, formula in the pantry (use water from fridge to mix)

Daxton has a nasty butt rash. May be lessened by the time you all get him, but PLEASE put it on his butt EVERY time he poops. As you may notice his poop is just a streak and sits in his crack until changed, this is VERY irritating to his cute little cheeks, so please change when you smell and apply butt cream EVERY time he poops. Should be located in the diaper bag…. Somewhere. If unable to locate, petroleum jelly is a good barrier as well.

Please hold him and love him and know that my arms are aching for him and he misses me so please take good care of him.

Oh how I miss him tonight. Last night I closed my eyes and he was there. Tonight we went swimming with the girls and grandma and grandpa. I saw him in Isabella's eyes.

Here's to YOU!!!

So just in case you are wondering. I have the COOLEST. MOM. EVER. Case in point. She works full time and one day a week, she "asks" to take off, to have a grandma day. I didn't realize that she actually had to "ask" for this day off and when it is transient (changes to a different day via my schedule) it is not an easy thing to do, but somehow she always manages to do it. Because that is just what my mom does.

Or when she has been at work ALL day, she will come over to see the girls just because they called and asked her to. Or she makes us dinner. Or she goes shopping to help with the wedding plans. Or she takes my cousin where he needs to go. Or she drops what she is doing to help another. Or ... well you get the point. She is always putting us (her kids) in front of most of her needs.

A few months ago my brother got married. I was trying on dresses, just after Isabella was born and well if you have ever been pregnant you know that (or maybe it is just me) that your body is shaped a little bit differently. Well I tried on this dress and there was absolutely no way the LARGER sizes were going to fit me. I was sad... so I continued to nurse and eat like crap in hopes of losing that baby weight and trying to it into a decent size dress. This was not the occasion for me to wear this dress.

Then came Mother's Day. It was the first without Daxton and I wanted to wear a pretty dress. So back to the store I went.... alas, it was not to be so this time either, however it was one size smaller than the first time. I was making progress. So I went home once again. Empty-handed. Well a few weeks later was Daxton's birthday and it just happened to fall on a Sunday. This day I wanted to really have a new dress, so off treking to the store I went. Alas, this was not to be either. So I vowed to do better.

A few days ago, my sister came home from shopping stating that she had found some good buys for her engagement pics. I was excited to see what she had found. I be darned if she didn't pull out that very same dress. (bless you it wasn't your fault). I was sad, annoyed, and mad. I can't explain why. It is just a dress. But it represented so much more to me. I vowed to go back to the store and get that dress. We can be twinners right?

Again I be darned if I didn't wake up one afternoon and there were two dresses. Hanging up in my closet. My blessed mother had gone to the store and purchased that dress for me, in the size I have tried to fit into. It still isn't a "great" size, but we are making some progress here. But my mom bought be that dress, because she knew what it meant to me. I cried. Because that is just what kind of mother she is.

Tonight we celebrated her 50th birthday. I know. She is SO young. Really. I don't make fun. I will be there someday and the "older" she gets, the "younger" I think that "old" age really is, because I am getting all that much closer to being how "old" she is. Get that? Well anyway. I wanted to do something special for her. She is always saying that she has no friends. HA!!! I proved her wrong today. I had people from all her years here in Mesa come and visit her all day long. Some people didn't think I could do it, but boy did it all work out.

Oh and you know how you have to wait until you are dead for people to remember all the great things you did in life and how wonderful you are? Well we one upped that because my mom is not ever going to die. She is going to live forever. Seriously :). So I thought we would make her a book of all our memories of her, ok not all of them, but some, and tell her how much we loved her. It was created on Blurb.com and seriously. The book turned out SO good. We didn't even get to eat before I had her open it. Each of her children, her brothers and sisters, mom, and of course her husband, my dad, wrote excerpts in this book. It is a tribute to her. It was AWESOME!!!!!!

Her siblings have requested pics. So here they are. Well they are above anyway.

HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST. MOM. EVER!!!

The Bachelorette

I know. I know. A very bad confession. I watch the Bachelorette. Judge me or don't. But seriously?
Now I am not sure how I feel about watching the Bachelor. 30 woman pining for one guy, but on the flip side watching 1 woman and 30 guys pining for her? SURE!!!

I just finished watching my very convenient tivo'd episode of the Bachelorette and I am a little up in arms. Now if you don't watch the show, well you won't get it, but if you do?

OK lets go through them
Wes; seriously? Why do nice girls always fall for the bad boys. They only leave you heart broken. They never stick around and really they aren't so much dependable. He is only on the show to promote his country music album and if he gets the girl? Well supposedly he has a girlfriend

Reid; Haven't heard much from him, but I think it is interesting she is willing to get to know someone who is so different from her.

Kipton; Well he is a cutie. WHATEVER... She can totally keep him

Michael: He is 'young' but really he isn't that young. He is 25? I know a lot of 25 year olds who have been married for 5 years already, so I guess the "worlds" view of him being young? Well that is up to them. He is ok, but I am not sure he can provide for a family, but who am I to talk, we were at BYU making less than $1000 a month and made it just fine.

Jesse: Ya. she will be ok with him.

I am not even sure who the other one is, but whatever. I am just upset that she let Jake go. ER!!! Seriously? And she kept Wes? I don't get it. If she is going to let the good ones go and keep the bad ones, well I am just not sure about her.

OK now that I have aired my dirty little secret of stooping SO low as to watching this reality TV show.... I just can't help it. I am addicted.

Happy Father's Day

To me husband of 9 years, father of my children, companion for eternity, I say

Happy Fathers Day

Thank you for always being there. Thank you for laughing when I told you not to. Thank you for making me laugh when I wanted to cry or when I was crying. Thank you for being a dork when I needed you to be. Thank you for being such a great father to our grilies. Yes I meant to mispell that. You are indeed loved and appreciated by us all!!!

The Beach

Here are some highlights of our California trip. Seriously. It is GORGEOUS there. If I could I would totally live there. Something about the ocean and the mountains.

I know. She is seriously ADORABLE

I love taking these pics on the beach. You know it is interesting how you can say you have been somewhere and it is funner to say that you are going than to actually be there. Take the zoo for example. You say lets go to the zoo. Sounds like fun huh? Yes. I agree. Walking for miles seeing caged animals who are hiding in the 110 degree weather. Yes. So much fun.

But the beach. You say you are going ot the beach. Well that is just as awesome to actually be there. We had so much fun playing in the sand. Burying each other. Ok Doug and Mikenna. Me, not so much interested in having sand in so many places.

If you look closer you can see we wrote Daxton in the sand.

The San Diego temple is absolutely breathtaking.

Of course the highlight was at Sea World with ELMO. It was amazing. So awesome. The look on Savannah's face. Priceless. She was actually speechless and for those of you who know her. It is VERY uncommon to see her speechless. She just walked up to him, put her arms around his neck, and gave him the biggest smile EVER.

Ok. My husband grew up on a farm. How could I pass by the cow with the sunglasses?

The girlies we went to Cali with. It. Was. Awesome.
Some highlights from this last weekend.

Last week we had the opportunity to go to San Diego and just get away. It was awesome. We stayed in a condo right on the beach. The view was amazing. The company was amazing.

As soon as we got to the condo, of course, I had to pee. I ran into the bathroom and looked over. You know what happened next. I noticed there was no toilet paper. Oh no. Now what? I heard our friends going in and out unloading their stuff. I heard the kids going up and down the stairs. I looked in all the cupboards and drawers. To no avail. AWKWARD!

And that is how our trip began. We went to Sea World, to the beach, and to a fun little children's museum. It was a blast. It was a good getaway. We liked making new memories together as a family. Maybe we will make it a tradition to go to San Diego every year.

The Earls were so great to let us use their beach condo. They are so very kind. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for making it possible for us to be together as a family at this time in our lives. We had a great time.

If you all want to check it out you can click here .

The beach does something for you. It refreshes you. It gives you a new look. A new perspective. There is a high tide and a low tide. Much like the highs and lows of this last year. There are many waves that keep coming and going. You know they will always be there. You can stand out in the water and let the waves crash over you, or you can dive over and under them or with them.

Reminds me of trials. We can choose how we are going to handle them. Will we head them face on? Will we let them crush us? Will we come out on top? It all depends on us.

This last year has been full of waves, high tides, and low tides. But I have not done it alone. I know that Daxton is with us. I know that he watches over us. I know that he loves us and keeps us safe. I can feel him. He is near. He will always be near. He will always watch over us.

For you my angels

Just wanted to share.
This is for all my friends.
And so many more.
We are in this together and for that I am grateful,
yet so very sad.

Confession

I must confess. The picture posted yesterday was not a creation of mine. It was designed for me and given to me by my sister in law. It is hanging up on the wall in the new playroom. It was perfect for this day.

I wanted to post on "this" day but I didn't want to commemorate or make a big deal about it. It isn't a day I want to remember. In fact it is a day I would like to permanently erase from my mind with a big black sharpie. Ok not erased, but I would like to sharpie it so I don't have to keep living it over and over. It did happen. It is what it is. Daxton is gone. I still miss him.

A year later. I never thought that the time would pass. It stood still for me for so many days, weeks, even months, that it is hard to believe that one year has actually gone by. There have been birthdays, holidays, babies, marriages, even other tragedies. Time has moved. It has continued. And I have made it. I have survived.

I am a survivor. I don't necessarily carry the attitude "bring it on" because I don't really want anything "brought." But if it comes, I will beat it. I am a fighter. I will do this. There are so many others fighting this battle with grief. With losing a child. With losing a husband. With losing themselves. I look up to them for strength. It makes me want to continue fighting.

A year ago, I explained my loss as losing my right arm. A year ago, my right arm was cut off without me even being prepared for it. A year ago, I lost one of the most valuable earthly possessions. A year ago, I lost my little man. My little shadow. My right arm. When it was taken from me, I thought I would never be the same. I knew I would never be the same. I am not the same. I would like to think that I am stronger. Of course there are many other ways I would have liked to become such. But it is not so.

Each day is a new day. Each week is a new week. Each year will be a new year. In this lifetime, I will not use my right arm. It is gone. I have learned to compensate. I have learned how to get along without it. Sometimes it is more than I can bear. Sometimes I really wish that I could have it back. Sometimes I just go into the bathroom and cry my tears. Then I come out, lift up my head, and say "Bring it on."

I try to lose myself in projects or service or playing with my kids. My grief is still sometimes crippling, but not as frequently as it was before. I can manage. I can do daily tasks. I still think about Daxton every day. Whenever I say his name or hear his name, there is a soft pang in my heart, not like the dagger it used to be.

A hole still remains in my heart. It isn't closing. Not even a little. But my heart is learning. It is learning what my mind keeps telling it. My girls keep me busy. I appreciate my children more. I know how lucky I am to have them because I have lost one. I know how much love I have for them because I have lost one. It is like it says in the scriptures without the sorrow, we wouldn't know the joy, without the bitter, we wouldn't know the sweet. And boy don't I know.

I know I will get to raise Daxton someday. His spirit is in Heaven, serving the Lord and being a missionary. His body is in the "waiting room." It is a very big waiting room. There I will wait to see him. It may be 10 years. It may be 20. It may be more. But I know I will see him again. I know I will raise him. I know I will be a perfect mother then, for the Lord will have taught me what I need to learn. How lucky he will be :). How lucky I will be. I miss him. Of course I miss him. Every bone in my body and every pore of my soul miss him. But I will see him again.

Someday. Just not today.

First Year Down

Where does the time go

First of all, I want to say thank you for all those who continue to think of me and my family. Truly, i couldn't do it without you. We are fast approaching a year and who knows how I will do.

My sister's fiance's nephew passed away last night. I had a good cry this morning. I went over to talk to his mom and dad. It took me back to when Daxton died. Just two days shy of a year ago. The sorrow and pain you feel in their home was likely much like when you entered my home. But I felt a sweet spirit there. I know that their baby isn't too far away. I know that he is watching over them. Just like I know Daxton continues to watch over us.

I guess I have had a few more "bad" days lately than I thought or I am just avoiding them. I know this because I have been a busy little beaver rearranging my play room for my girls. I bought some shelving at IKEA and made an "L" shape in my living/dining area and it is like a room divider. I have emptied 4 cupboards into it and am quite excited about how it has turned out. That took up most of Saturday.

I have also been working on another project to not be named so publicly, but when it is finished... maybe I will share. :) It is taking up just about every single spare moment, and those are few and far between.

Well folks I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I hope to have the energy to accomplish all the tasks at hand to get ready for cali.....

Thanks

I am fast approaching the one year mark and I have a wide array of emotions. One minute I am driving in the car singing at the top of my lungs (yes my girls think I am nuts) and the next I am crying my eyes out. (yes they thing I am nuts)

Tonight I met my sister's new soon-to-be in laws. They seem great. She is lucky to have such a great family to marry into. Tonight I found myself desperately wanting to shout out that I didn't just have the 3 beautiful girls that they could see, but I had 4. I have a son. You just can't see him. He is just as beautiful and vibrant as the girls. But he is no longer with me.

One of his sweet sisters took a look at Isabella's innocent face and blue eyes and told me how lucky I was to have such a beautiful little girl. I know I am lucky. But my son. Oh he was beautiful. Never before have I seen such an angelic baby. And he truly is angelic.

I was going through the pictures for a project I am doing, I came across Daxton's funeral. After I got over how great my hair was, how lucky I was to find two amazing dresses and a skirt, and how "skinny" I was, I cried. Really? Is that my baby laying in the coffin? Yes. I said the coffin. It sounds horrid. But he really was laying there. It really was his sweet little body, void of his vibrant spirit. And I cried. Of course I cried.

You know I was also looking at the pictures and it is interesting the "funeral" face that people have. You have seen it. If you have ever lost someone you love, you have seen the "funeral" face. Is it morbid that I actually cracked up over that? I had the "funeral" face. The people around me had the "funeral" face. Maybe that is just how I dealt with the grief last night. I don't know.

Tonight I played a much needed game with my "sisters." Technically they aren't my sisters, but I know that I can count on them no matter what. Without back into some sort of reality, without them picking up the pieces of my life for me, without them taking care of me when I needed them, I don't think I would have made it.

The next few weeks are busy. If I keep myself busy maybe it won't seem as bad. Maybe it won't be as hard. I don't know. Some might say I should be over it by now. But I am not. I am not falling on the closet floor crying but my heart still feels like it has been ripped into a thousand pieces. I have come upon a "new" normal. I don't yet know if I like it or care to stay very long, but it is there. The "new" normal. Each day is a new day. I never truly know when the waves of grief will come. They don't come as frequently as they used to, but they are still there and still just as intense as they were when I first got "the call."

We have a trip planned to California with some friends who lost their little girl the same week Daxton died. We are going to visit amusement parks, zoos, the beach. Pretty much we are running away. Running from the pain. Running somewhere new. I don't know how it will go, but I am up for anything. I am ready for anything.