Ok so maybe if I tell you all what the plan is, I might be able to ACTUALLY go through with it.
You all know what it is like to have a newborn. Everything is NEGLECTED. House. Dinner making. Other kids. Husbands. You name it.
So I have resolved to do better.... I know I am only a week out, but still, wanted to try something different. Each night I have to pump off the extra milk because heaven knows I can feed triplets! and that is REALLY not a joke.
While I am doing this MOST unpleasant activity I decided to not just sit there BORED to tears (ya like that really happens) that I would read 2 books to the girls.
Then after I am done pumping we would play 1 game of their choice, alternating who picks each night.
Tonight was the first night in my endeavor and I think they liked it. I have been pondering lately what I want my kids to remember their childhood being like.
Do I want them to remember mommy and daddy sitting on the couch watching TV yelling at them to be quiet? Or would I rather them remember we spend 20 minutes reading and playing games as a family? Well the answer is obvious. I just need to keep at it. Good luck to US!!!!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Update on Isabella Kate
It has been decided that from this day forward, she will either be called "Isabella" or "Kate." We have no plans for a 'nickname.' :)
Doug has also started a new tradition for our babies. We are taking a picture of her every day for 30 days. Should be fun to watch her grow. Here are the first five days.
DAY 1: HAPPY BIRTHDAY
This is Isabella's BIRTHDAY. 7 pounds 10 ounces, 19 inches long. When she came out she looked SO big. She isn't really that small, but I thought for sure she would weigh at least 8 pounds. The night before my mom and I were getting ice cream and decided on what we thought the weight was going to be. I said 8 pounds 1 once and she said 7 pounds 10 ounces. Funny she was right!
DAY 2:
After her first bath. The t shirts at the hospital were too small. Luckily I brought her some clothes from home. This onesie was Savannah's when she was born. By the time I had the chance to put it on Mikenna she was too big, so I am trying to be better.
DAY 3:
Being held by Granny (Doug's mom) and showing off her bracelets. What a sweetie!!!
DAY 4:
WELCOME HOME Isabella. Isabella LOVES her binky. She is my first baby to even take a liking to it. I think it will come in handy in LOTS of situations. It has already helped when making dinner, in the middle of the night, and when her big sisters are holding her. The girls think it is fun to put their finger in the middle of the binky and have her chew on it.
DAY 5:
I love this little polka dot outfit. And this blanket is as soft as it looks. We were at the store and there was a little girl who kept saying, "teddy bear" and pointing to the blanket.
DAY 6:
I think I am addicted to this baby. Isn't she ADORABLE!!! I made this blanket and crocheted the edges. It is not fully appreciated since you can't see it :) but I will forgive my husband. LOL
And those are Isabella's first 6 days. Hope you enjoyed!!!
Doug has also started a new tradition for our babies. We are taking a picture of her every day for 30 days. Should be fun to watch her grow. Here are the first five days.
DAY 1: HAPPY BIRTHDAY
This is Isabella's BIRTHDAY. 7 pounds 10 ounces, 19 inches long. When she came out she looked SO big. She isn't really that small, but I thought for sure she would weigh at least 8 pounds. The night before my mom and I were getting ice cream and decided on what we thought the weight was going to be. I said 8 pounds 1 once and she said 7 pounds 10 ounces. Funny she was right!DAY 2:
After her first bath. The t shirts at the hospital were too small. Luckily I brought her some clothes from home. This onesie was Savannah's when she was born. By the time I had the chance to put it on Mikenna she was too big, so I am trying to be better.DAY 3:
Being held by Granny (Doug's mom) and showing off her bracelets. What a sweetie!!!DAY 4:
WELCOME HOME Isabella. Isabella LOVES her binky. She is my first baby to even take a liking to it. I think it will come in handy in LOTS of situations. It has already helped when making dinner, in the middle of the night, and when her big sisters are holding her. The girls think it is fun to put their finger in the middle of the binky and have her chew on it.DAY 5:
I love this little polka dot outfit. And this blanket is as soft as it looks. We were at the store and there was a little girl who kept saying, "teddy bear" and pointing to the blanket.DAY 6:
I think I am addicted to this baby. Isn't she ADORABLE!!! I made this blanket and crocheted the edges. It is not fully appreciated since you can't see it :) but I will forgive my husband. LOLAnd those are Isabella's first 6 days. Hope you enjoyed!!!
Monday, January 26, 2009
A Mother's Heart
A wise friend told me, and I paraphrase, "I imagine the heart has many rooms. Hopefully this baby will fill one of those rooms." I know I didn't get it right, but one of those rooms in my heart has been filled.
A wounded heart has many empty rooms and I am sure it takes many years, moments, and memories for them to be occupied. I am sure they will never all be full, but it helps to have one more room filled.
Isabella has filled one of those rooms for me. She just melts into my arms. She actually doesn't look a lick like my other children. She looks more like my husband's family and up until this point, my children have taken to looking like my side of the family.
She is adorable with her button nose, chubby cheeks, tons of hair, and I have decided that bracelets aren't that annoying when they are custom made :). There has been much love and joy that has entered into our home. I am grateful. I am grateful to have my arms full again.
A wounded heart has many empty rooms and I am sure it takes many years, moments, and memories for them to be occupied. I am sure they will never all be full, but it helps to have one more room filled.
Isabella has filled one of those rooms for me. She just melts into my arms. She actually doesn't look a lick like my other children. She looks more like my husband's family and up until this point, my children have taken to looking like my side of the family.
She is adorable with her button nose, chubby cheeks, tons of hair, and I have decided that bracelets aren't that annoying when they are custom made :). There has been much love and joy that has entered into our home. I am grateful. I am grateful to have my arms full again.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Isabella Kate Kunz
Isabella arrived this morning just before 11:00 AM. She was 7 lbs. 10 ounces and 19 inches long. Britt and Isabella are both doing well.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The almost Perfect Day
I was pondering last night... What should I do to leave a lasting impression on my girls if something happens to me tomorrow? I know MORBID, but I always get a little nervous before I go in for major surgery (having a c section is not just having a baby) and I have seen WAY to many, all of which have had good outcomes, but sometimes knowledge isn't always power, just paranoia.
Today was an almost perfect day. I kept the girls home from school....... was beginning to wonder at about 2pm in the afternoon when I was SOOOOO trashed, I could barely keep my eyes open. BUT we had fun. We slept in, ok I slept in until 830 and then we had breakfast, played 3 games of Candyland, 4 games of Dominos, and took a break after an hour to watch a movie and play "pay." This game is done with a cash register and various items from the house to "pay." It keeps the girls busy for at least 30 minutes.
While I got ready for the day, they watched a movie and played this "pay." Then off to the store to buy something.... what little girl or big girl for that matter doesn't love a little retail therapy. I went to just get baby shampoo, go figure I didn't have any. What would have cost me 3.27 now cost me 28.27 because we walked out of their with a shirt and socks or tights for each girl. But they loved it.
Then we went to the cemetery to have a picnic at Daxton's grave, consisting of ham and cheese, yogurt, oranges, and grapes. It was fun and we were able to put new flowers in the vases.
After the cemetery we went home to take a little nap before the twins arrived as requested. And we spent hours holding, feeding, changing, and loving on them. The girls think it is so much fun to play house and tend to the twins.
Off to therapy for Savannah and Mikenna off to a friend's house for some more fun. And if the day wasn't full of enough excitement, we ended up at the Outback for dinner, Golden Spoon for guzzert (as Savannah calls it), and a walk when we got home (by this time it is 730 and all I want is my BED), came home, took a bath, read 6 books, and Mikenna read us one as well. Then our nightly routine and everyone tucked in soundly at 845.... ish. Hopefully they won't be too tired for school tomorrow.
Oh and did I mention we added laundry, taking out the garbage, cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes? Yes I am DEFINITELY ready for a little McDreamy (no not bed, Grey's Anatomy).
Thanks for reading. Wish me luck and hopefully all goes well tomorrow. If it doesn't, know I love all of you and thank you for your prayers, kind words, and thoughts, truly, I do.
Today was an almost perfect day. I kept the girls home from school....... was beginning to wonder at about 2pm in the afternoon when I was SOOOOO trashed, I could barely keep my eyes open. BUT we had fun. We slept in, ok I slept in until 830 and then we had breakfast, played 3 games of Candyland, 4 games of Dominos, and took a break after an hour to watch a movie and play "pay." This game is done with a cash register and various items from the house to "pay." It keeps the girls busy for at least 30 minutes.
While I got ready for the day, they watched a movie and played this "pay." Then off to the store to buy something.... what little girl or big girl for that matter doesn't love a little retail therapy. I went to just get baby shampoo, go figure I didn't have any. What would have cost me 3.27 now cost me 28.27 because we walked out of their with a shirt and socks or tights for each girl. But they loved it.
Then we went to the cemetery to have a picnic at Daxton's grave, consisting of ham and cheese, yogurt, oranges, and grapes. It was fun and we were able to put new flowers in the vases.
After the cemetery we went home to take a little nap before the twins arrived as requested. And we spent hours holding, feeding, changing, and loving on them. The girls think it is so much fun to play house and tend to the twins.
Off to therapy for Savannah and Mikenna off to a friend's house for some more fun. And if the day wasn't full of enough excitement, we ended up at the Outback for dinner, Golden Spoon for guzzert (as Savannah calls it), and a walk when we got home (by this time it is 730 and all I want is my BED), came home, took a bath, read 6 books, and Mikenna read us one as well. Then our nightly routine and everyone tucked in soundly at 845.... ish. Hopefully they won't be too tired for school tomorrow.
Oh and did I mention we added laundry, taking out the garbage, cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes? Yes I am DEFINITELY ready for a little McDreamy (no not bed, Grey's Anatomy).
Thanks for reading. Wish me luck and hopefully all goes well tomorrow. If it doesn't, know I love all of you and thank you for your prayers, kind words, and thoughts, truly, I do.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Letters to my family: Daxton
My sweet boy,
I hope that the time I see you is not too long. I hope that I am doing all the right things so that I can be able to raise you and take care of you and be able to be with you forever.
I was playing games tonight with the "girls" (my friends) and I won three times!!! Go me!!! One of them made the comment that the second coming is right around the corner 1) We have a black president 2) a plane crashes in the water and nobody is hurt 3) the cardinals are going to the superbowl.
I seriously hope she is right. She does make some interesting points. LOL (to my readers, please don't be offended. It was a flippant remark said in good fun.)
I miss you more than I can bare some days. Each time I see a picture of you, my heart hurts a little bit, and I have A LOT of pics of you :). I spend a lot of time in denial. Too much time spent in my reality is sometimes more than I can stand.
I am grateful for you little man. I am grateful that each time I do see a picture of you, I am reminded of the reason we are here. I am reminded that I need to say my prayers. I need to plead with my Father in Heaven. I am reminded of the healing power of the atonement and the sealing power of the temple. I am grateful to you for teaching me to be a better mom. I am grateful for you teaching me how to love another human being and not to take advantage of those loved ones that I have.
I am grateful for the time I was able to spend with you. For the time I was able to be your mom here on earth. It was a short time and of course I wish it would have been longer, but I am grateful nonetheless. I am grateful for the moments when I am in deepest despair and I can feel your loving arms around me, trying to comfort me and tell me it will all be ok and will work out in the end.
Thank you little man. I love you soooooo soooooo very much.
I hope that the time I see you is not too long. I hope that I am doing all the right things so that I can be able to raise you and take care of you and be able to be with you forever.
I was playing games tonight with the "girls" (my friends) and I won three times!!! Go me!!! One of them made the comment that the second coming is right around the corner 1) We have a black president 2) a plane crashes in the water and nobody is hurt 3) the cardinals are going to the superbowl.
I seriously hope she is right. She does make some interesting points. LOL (to my readers, please don't be offended. It was a flippant remark said in good fun.)
I miss you more than I can bare some days. Each time I see a picture of you, my heart hurts a little bit, and I have A LOT of pics of you :). I spend a lot of time in denial. Too much time spent in my reality is sometimes more than I can stand.
I am grateful for you little man. I am grateful that each time I do see a picture of you, I am reminded of the reason we are here. I am reminded that I need to say my prayers. I need to plead with my Father in Heaven. I am reminded of the healing power of the atonement and the sealing power of the temple. I am grateful to you for teaching me to be a better mom. I am grateful for you teaching me how to love another human being and not to take advantage of those loved ones that I have.
I am grateful for the time I was able to spend with you. For the time I was able to be your mom here on earth. It was a short time and of course I wish it would have been longer, but I am grateful nonetheless. I am grateful for the moments when I am in deepest despair and I can feel your loving arms around me, trying to comfort me and tell me it will all be ok and will work out in the end.
Thank you little man. I love you soooooo soooooo very much.
Letter to my family: Mikenna
Oh dear Mikenna,
Today when you were painting my nails I was cracking up. You told me to keep my toes still until you were holding them and then you said it would be ok for me to move them because you would keep them still. It was pretty hilarious.
Then it was Savannah's turn. She was sitting on the floor and that just wouldn't do, so you went to grab a chair and told her to "sit like this" and you demonstrated how you wanted her to sit. When she got antsy and wanted to move you told her to hold still one more minute. It would be ok.
I love the way you take care of her. You are always looking out for her and keep her in your mind. You are such a good little big sister. I am so lucky to have you.
I love to do your hair. You are such a chatterbox and it is good time for us to spend just one on one. We actually get a lot of that time when Savannah is at school. You brought a paper home the other day that said to check either half or full day kindergarten. You promptly informed me that you wanted to do all day kindergarten. I don't know what I will do without you next year if you are gone all day. You are only little once. We shall see what I do :).
I enjoy laying by you at nights. I crawl up the ladder 20 months pregnant and lay by you, begrudgingly sometimes that I started such a tradition, but grateful nonetheless when you still want me to lay by you, even if you are mad at me. Which of course NEVER happens.... like tonight :).
You are just starting to learn to read and it is really fun to see you grow and learn. I was getting a kick out of it. Your teacher finally said it was time to send home the "reading" worksheets and I think you will pass them with flying colors.
I think I spoil you too much. But I think I spoil all of you too much. That is ok, because I only get to spoil you so much and then I won't be able to spoil you anymore. Life is too short. It changes too quickly.
Always remember that mom and dad love you. Always remember to watch over Savannah and keep her safe from harm. You are the best. I love you big as the sky.
Today when you were painting my nails I was cracking up. You told me to keep my toes still until you were holding them and then you said it would be ok for me to move them because you would keep them still. It was pretty hilarious.
Then it was Savannah's turn. She was sitting on the floor and that just wouldn't do, so you went to grab a chair and told her to "sit like this" and you demonstrated how you wanted her to sit. When she got antsy and wanted to move you told her to hold still one more minute. It would be ok.
I love the way you take care of her. You are always looking out for her and keep her in your mind. You are such a good little big sister. I am so lucky to have you.
I love to do your hair. You are such a chatterbox and it is good time for us to spend just one on one. We actually get a lot of that time when Savannah is at school. You brought a paper home the other day that said to check either half or full day kindergarten. You promptly informed me that you wanted to do all day kindergarten. I don't know what I will do without you next year if you are gone all day. You are only little once. We shall see what I do :).
I enjoy laying by you at nights. I crawl up the ladder 20 months pregnant and lay by you, begrudgingly sometimes that I started such a tradition, but grateful nonetheless when you still want me to lay by you, even if you are mad at me. Which of course NEVER happens.... like tonight :).
You are just starting to learn to read and it is really fun to see you grow and learn. I was getting a kick out of it. Your teacher finally said it was time to send home the "reading" worksheets and I think you will pass them with flying colors.
I think I spoil you too much. But I think I spoil all of you too much. That is ok, because I only get to spoil you so much and then I won't be able to spoil you anymore. Life is too short. It changes too quickly.
Always remember that mom and dad love you. Always remember to watch over Savannah and keep her safe from harm. You are the best. I love you big as the sky.
Letters to my family: Savannah
My dear sweet Savannah,
I had so much fun with you today making cookies. I love the big grin you get on your face whenever you help me in the kitchen. It makes you so happy to help me in the kitchen.
I love that you love babies. You love to hold them to love them to kiss them. You do such a good job tending them and you always have something to give them.
I think that your favorite color black is hilarious. You use it to color everything. I have secretly hidden all the black crayons or thrown them away. Sorry. One day you will forgive me.
Your love of presents or boxes in the mail, whether they are for you or someone else is a hoot. I love to see how excited you get when other people open their presents or when you open yours. Doesn't matter what it is, so long as it is wrapped.
I love to go shopping with you. It is always an adventure. You tear down the isles of the panties and socks and get soooo excited I can hardly believe it. It is truly inspiring to see the simple things that make you happy.
Your smile. Enough said. I scroll through pictures or look in your scrapbook and wow. You always have the biggest sweetest smile. It takes up your entire face. It is awesome! You inspire me to be better. You inspire me to have a positive attitude. You inspire me to have patience.
The phrases you pick up from me. Well sometimes they are less than stellar from my mouth and not much better from yours. I always have to be careful what I say... but it really is funnier when it comes from you. "Hold on" seems to me your favorite right now and I am embarrassed to repeat any more here.....
You are such a snuggler. Mom loves to lay by you when you go to bed or take a nap. You just wrap your arms around me and fall asleep. It is truly sweet. I just love it. I just love you.
Little Savannah. You have brought so much joy into my life. You are such a blessing to those who know you to all those who associate with you or meet you. Each Sunday we make the rounds. We say hi to the same 5 special people in your life and you always have to see them before we can get you to concentrate on going to class.
I hope that you always keep your innocence. I hope that you will always remember you are loved by mom and dad. I hope that you always remember to keep a watch on Mikenna and keep her in line :) or listen to her anyway, because I am not sure who is more bossy.
You are the best little babe. I love you big as the sky. You are my best friend :).
I had so much fun with you today making cookies. I love the big grin you get on your face whenever you help me in the kitchen. It makes you so happy to help me in the kitchen.
I love that you love babies. You love to hold them to love them to kiss them. You do such a good job tending them and you always have something to give them.
I think that your favorite color black is hilarious. You use it to color everything. I have secretly hidden all the black crayons or thrown them away. Sorry. One day you will forgive me.
Your love of presents or boxes in the mail, whether they are for you or someone else is a hoot. I love to see how excited you get when other people open their presents or when you open yours. Doesn't matter what it is, so long as it is wrapped.
I love to go shopping with you. It is always an adventure. You tear down the isles of the panties and socks and get soooo excited I can hardly believe it. It is truly inspiring to see the simple things that make you happy.
Your smile. Enough said. I scroll through pictures or look in your scrapbook and wow. You always have the biggest sweetest smile. It takes up your entire face. It is awesome! You inspire me to be better. You inspire me to have a positive attitude. You inspire me to have patience.
The phrases you pick up from me. Well sometimes they are less than stellar from my mouth and not much better from yours. I always have to be careful what I say... but it really is funnier when it comes from you. "Hold on" seems to me your favorite right now and I am embarrassed to repeat any more here.....
You are such a snuggler. Mom loves to lay by you when you go to bed or take a nap. You just wrap your arms around me and fall asleep. It is truly sweet. I just love it. I just love you.
Little Savannah. You have brought so much joy into my life. You are such a blessing to those who know you to all those who associate with you or meet you. Each Sunday we make the rounds. We say hi to the same 5 special people in your life and you always have to see them before we can get you to concentrate on going to class.
I hope that you always keep your innocence. I hope that you will always remember you are loved by mom and dad. I hope that you always remember to keep a watch on Mikenna and keep her in line :) or listen to her anyway, because I am not sure who is more bossy.
You are the best little babe. I love you big as the sky. You are my best friend :).
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Count Down
And the Count Down BEGINS!!!
My C section is scheduled for Friday at 1030am, so this week I am booming with energy (LOL) and getting really ready for baby sister to come.
Well I am beat. Been working the last few nights with VERY little sleep. So I am going to bed. More to come tomorrow!
My C section is scheduled for Friday at 1030am, so this week I am booming with energy (LOL) and getting really ready for baby sister to come.
Well I am beat. Been working the last few nights with VERY little sleep. So I am going to bed. More to come tomorrow!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Baby Blankets.... and Cookie Dough
HELP!!!!
I am drowning in baby blankets (that I have vowed to make) and cookie dough (I can't stop eating it!!!).
First things first: Baby blankets. I have had this itch to make a bunch of baby blankets. Am I crazy? Yes I think I am. With all the spare time I have.... I work this weekend, so most of it will have to wait until Monday, maybe I will still have the itch. Maybe I won't.
Now on to more serious topics: Cookie Dough. I seriously make THE BEST cookies EVER. And have discovered a new way to store and eat cookie dough. I have a friend (a freaking genius I might label her) that told me she scoops the cookie dough onto a cookie sheet, freezes it, and then puts it in a bag!!!! DUH!!! Why did I never think of that before?
I am blonde... (please no comment :))
Loves
I am drowning in baby blankets (that I have vowed to make) and cookie dough (I can't stop eating it!!!).
First things first: Baby blankets. I have had this itch to make a bunch of baby blankets. Am I crazy? Yes I think I am. With all the spare time I have.... I work this weekend, so most of it will have to wait until Monday, maybe I will still have the itch. Maybe I won't.
Now on to more serious topics: Cookie Dough. I seriously make THE BEST cookies EVER. And have discovered a new way to store and eat cookie dough. I have a friend (a freaking genius I might label her) that told me she scoops the cookie dough onto a cookie sheet, freezes it, and then puts it in a bag!!!! DUH!!! Why did I never think of that before?
I am blonde... (please no comment :))
Loves
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Baby Sister
No she isn't here yet.... Next Friday so wish me luck!!!
Many people have asked if we have a name. Here is the story:
We have been tossing around 2 or 3 names for the last few weeks. We finally agreed on one about a week ago when Doug created a new password with the first letter of this name.
That being said. I don't want to tell the name for a few reasons. I wish I could explain them. I wish I could let you all in on all the emotions that come with a baby being born after losing one not so long ago. How could I not be so excited and full of joy you might ask. I am. Really I am. At least that is what I keep telling myself.
I keep hoping that I will love her just as much as I did Daxton. I keep hoping that when I see her she will remind me of him. That I will see him in her. Is that bad? I don't know. I don't want them to be the same, but I need that. Maybe I fear I won't get it or maybe I fear that I will. It is so hard to tell.
I know that with each child that I have and probably you mothers out there can relate. Will I love this child as much as my others? Do I have enough love? Or do I get more love? How can I possible get more love? Does a mother who has 10 kids love her last less than the first? I don't think so, to even say that out loud seems absurd, but each child I have I still worry.
I will be delivering at the same hospital as I delivered Daxton. When my aunt was there and we were in the recovery room and just across from her was where I held my baby for the first time... well I lost it. I can only imagine what it will be like when I am there again. For me. And I can't leave the room. The other option was to deliver at the hospital where Daxton was taken. It is just shy of the Ritz hotel with marble floors, crown molding, room service, and plasma TVs, but I don't know if I could do that either.
So back to the name: The anxiety of bringing another child into this world has overcome me. Just because I have lost one child doesn't leave me a check mark by my name for that trial. It has happened once and the reality is, it could happen again. Deep down the real reason I don't want to "name" baby sister before she is here? Well it would just be nice to get her here and then see. Anything could happen. Maybe that is pessimisstic on my part, but I am just trying to be realistic. For me.
So please don't feel bad if I don't tell you her "name" before she gets here. I want to meet her and make sure she will be with us before I begin putting a name to her.
Many people have asked if we have a name. Here is the story:
We have been tossing around 2 or 3 names for the last few weeks. We finally agreed on one about a week ago when Doug created a new password with the first letter of this name.
That being said. I don't want to tell the name for a few reasons. I wish I could explain them. I wish I could let you all in on all the emotions that come with a baby being born after losing one not so long ago. How could I not be so excited and full of joy you might ask. I am. Really I am. At least that is what I keep telling myself.
I keep hoping that I will love her just as much as I did Daxton. I keep hoping that when I see her she will remind me of him. That I will see him in her. Is that bad? I don't know. I don't want them to be the same, but I need that. Maybe I fear I won't get it or maybe I fear that I will. It is so hard to tell.
I know that with each child that I have and probably you mothers out there can relate. Will I love this child as much as my others? Do I have enough love? Or do I get more love? How can I possible get more love? Does a mother who has 10 kids love her last less than the first? I don't think so, to even say that out loud seems absurd, but each child I have I still worry.
I will be delivering at the same hospital as I delivered Daxton. When my aunt was there and we were in the recovery room and just across from her was where I held my baby for the first time... well I lost it. I can only imagine what it will be like when I am there again. For me. And I can't leave the room. The other option was to deliver at the hospital where Daxton was taken. It is just shy of the Ritz hotel with marble floors, crown molding, room service, and plasma TVs, but I don't know if I could do that either.
So back to the name: The anxiety of bringing another child into this world has overcome me. Just because I have lost one child doesn't leave me a check mark by my name for that trial. It has happened once and the reality is, it could happen again. Deep down the real reason I don't want to "name" baby sister before she is here? Well it would just be nice to get her here and then see. Anything could happen. Maybe that is pessimisstic on my part, but I am just trying to be realistic. For me.
So please don't feel bad if I don't tell you her "name" before she gets here. I want to meet her and make sure she will be with us before I begin putting a name to her.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Broken Hearts
Sometimes I feel guilty about not writing for so long. Not necessarily for the readers, but this is how it starts. This is how good habits are broken. Going one, two, three days, then weeks, and months without continuing the habit that has been formed. So I will try to do better. Of course, you readers are a good motivating factor for me.
As for the last quote, there have been many tears shed and I now await for the space to be filled with smiles.
When I was about 12 years old... ish, my grandpa was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, cancer in the bones. He fought this battle for 4 years when the doctor only gave him 6 months to live. (don't quote me on the numbers, it was a long time ago) We spent many summers in southern Utah and on many occasions would find ourselves hiking the sleeping volcanos in Diamond Valley.
On this particular day, I was about 12 or so and we were up on the top of the volcano looking down. I am a bit of a chicken so when everyone was going into the volcano, I opted to stay on top. Another cousin and I began kicking the cactus (yes we are SO bright) and watching it be misplaced and soar through the air. One of my other cousins began to cry. She thought we were hurting the cactus (little did she know we would spend the next 3 days picking the needles out of our big toes) and eventually began to sob.
Since I am so sensitive sometimes to the needs of others, I began kicking more cactus. She became very upset and started to say,"you are breaking my heart." With some STRONG encouragement from my mother and aunt, my other cousin and I stopped kicking the cactus and breaking our cousin's heart.
I have had a few of these moments lately. A little piece of my heart has been broken. A little piece of my heart continues to break each time I see a picture I haven't seen before, remember something I hadn't before, see others around me with all of their children in tow, or walking through the store with my 2 girls and big pregnant belly with others staring like, "you are having more?" and really what I want to say is "yes, and I am missing one." Or going to the doctor and the nurse asking how I am. I say "fine" but what I really want to say is "well today marks the 7 months mark since my son passed away and I gained five pounds, thanks for asking." But then we would both be uncomfortable and where does that lead.
However, each day, just like picking the needles out of my big toes, I try to take out one little prick at a time, so that my heart can heal. I can't believe it has been 7 months. It will be 7 1/2 after the baby is born. There are so many feelings, so many emotions, so many that I can't even begin to describe. But each day hopefully it will hurt a little less and one more needle will be plucked from my heart.
As for the last quote, there have been many tears shed and I now await for the space to be filled with smiles.
When I was about 12 years old... ish, my grandpa was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, cancer in the bones. He fought this battle for 4 years when the doctor only gave him 6 months to live. (don't quote me on the numbers, it was a long time ago) We spent many summers in southern Utah and on many occasions would find ourselves hiking the sleeping volcanos in Diamond Valley.
On this particular day, I was about 12 or so and we were up on the top of the volcano looking down. I am a bit of a chicken so when everyone was going into the volcano, I opted to stay on top. Another cousin and I began kicking the cactus (yes we are SO bright) and watching it be misplaced and soar through the air. One of my other cousins began to cry. She thought we were hurting the cactus (little did she know we would spend the next 3 days picking the needles out of our big toes) and eventually began to sob.
Since I am so sensitive sometimes to the needs of others, I began kicking more cactus. She became very upset and started to say,"you are breaking my heart." With some STRONG encouragement from my mother and aunt, my other cousin and I stopped kicking the cactus and breaking our cousin's heart.
I have had a few of these moments lately. A little piece of my heart has been broken. A little piece of my heart continues to break each time I see a picture I haven't seen before, remember something I hadn't before, see others around me with all of their children in tow, or walking through the store with my 2 girls and big pregnant belly with others staring like, "you are having more?" and really what I want to say is "yes, and I am missing one." Or going to the doctor and the nurse asking how I am. I say "fine" but what I really want to say is "well today marks the 7 months mark since my son passed away and I gained five pounds, thanks for asking." But then we would both be uncomfortable and where does that lead.
However, each day, just like picking the needles out of my big toes, I try to take out one little prick at a time, so that my heart can heal. I can't believe it has been 7 months. It will be 7 1/2 after the baby is born. There are so many feelings, so many emotions, so many that I can't even begin to describe. But each day hopefully it will hurt a little less and one more needle will be plucked from my heart.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Quote of the day
"Sometimes people have to cry out all the tears to make room for a heart full of smiles."
* if you want the author, email me
* if you want the author, email me
Upside Down
I have thought a lot about writing this post and if I should or not... but here goes. I was going to post a picture of me doing a hand stand 8 months pregnant, but I will spare you all (and truth be told. me).
I had expected that Christmas would be a difficult holiday for me to endure. I anticipated Christmas Eve walking around the temple looking at lights arms empty, reading the Christmas story and acting out the parts missing the "baby" Jesus, and opening the pjs and missing one more pair would be difficult. I had prepared myself, even prepped myself, told myself that Daxton wasn't supposed to b here with us this Christmas, that Father in Heaven needed him more than I did. I knew it would be difficult.
Through all the events described above, I felt a warm peace, a blanket of security. I knew Daxton was near. I knew that he was helping me through this holiday season. Christmas Eve and morning actually turned out way better than anticipated. My heart didn't hurt near as much as I thought it would. I didn't feel the emptiness that I thought I would. It was another day with people whom I loved.
Then the decorations came down, Christmas was over, and a new year had begun. I scrubbed my house top to bottom, cleaned out all "the drawers" and closets and toys and cupboards that I have been meaning to for the last year. I wanted to start fresh. And then it happened. It always does. There are the highs and then there are the lows. Lately I have been trying to pull myself out of this low.... chocolate chip cookies, ice cream from cold stone, popcorn, late night movies, diet cokes.... all to no avail, I just feel fatter :).
I actually didn't expect that the new year would bring some sorrow, but it has. It will be the first of many full years without my little man. It will be the first of many years I will have to endure the trial that I have been given. It is interesting to watch myself go through these unexpected cycles of grief. It truly just comes out of nowhere. I think I am doing good.... and then bam it hits like a ton of bricks. It isn't fair. When does it stop? I am 7 months out. I can't believe that it has been that long, yet has it really been that long? I think that it never goes away, the waves of grief continue, just a little differently.
This year for Christmas I made a Daxton stocking and put what I wanted to do this year to better myself so that I might be able to return to him and be with him and raise him. Each night the girls pray that Daxton will know how much we love him and that we will choose the right so that we can live with him again, and we discuss ways to choose the right. They are simple for them now, but it will be more difficult as they get older. I hope that I can instill in them the desire to always want to do what is right so that we can be with Daxton again.
I was talking with my Aunt this afternoon who will be 80 on her next birthday. She has accomplished all that she wants to in life, she has set her goals and made them, she is living as righteously as she knows how. She is read to go. It will be sad when she dies, but she won't be sad when she goes. There are many loved ones in Heaven that are waiting for her. Oh how I envy her, she is so close.
There were some napkins at work we used on New Years Eve that had these listed: gain 10 pounds, work out less, eat more chips, and be late for work. I actually thought they were humorous. While they are not my personal goals, they would be attainable for me, but wouldn't necessarily make me a better person. This year I have set a few goals. I want to fulfill them so I have chosen a few that are actually attainable. There is no use in setting goals that you fail before you even start.
It is a new year. We should try new things, begin anew. January is a good month, a month to start over, a new beginning.
I had expected that Christmas would be a difficult holiday for me to endure. I anticipated Christmas Eve walking around the temple looking at lights arms empty, reading the Christmas story and acting out the parts missing the "baby" Jesus, and opening the pjs and missing one more pair would be difficult. I had prepared myself, even prepped myself, told myself that Daxton wasn't supposed to b here with us this Christmas, that Father in Heaven needed him more than I did. I knew it would be difficult.
Through all the events described above, I felt a warm peace, a blanket of security. I knew Daxton was near. I knew that he was helping me through this holiday season. Christmas Eve and morning actually turned out way better than anticipated. My heart didn't hurt near as much as I thought it would. I didn't feel the emptiness that I thought I would. It was another day with people whom I loved.
Then the decorations came down, Christmas was over, and a new year had begun. I scrubbed my house top to bottom, cleaned out all "the drawers" and closets and toys and cupboards that I have been meaning to for the last year. I wanted to start fresh. And then it happened. It always does. There are the highs and then there are the lows. Lately I have been trying to pull myself out of this low.... chocolate chip cookies, ice cream from cold stone, popcorn, late night movies, diet cokes.... all to no avail, I just feel fatter :).
I actually didn't expect that the new year would bring some sorrow, but it has. It will be the first of many full years without my little man. It will be the first of many years I will have to endure the trial that I have been given. It is interesting to watch myself go through these unexpected cycles of grief. It truly just comes out of nowhere. I think I am doing good.... and then bam it hits like a ton of bricks. It isn't fair. When does it stop? I am 7 months out. I can't believe that it has been that long, yet has it really been that long? I think that it never goes away, the waves of grief continue, just a little differently.
This year for Christmas I made a Daxton stocking and put what I wanted to do this year to better myself so that I might be able to return to him and be with him and raise him. Each night the girls pray that Daxton will know how much we love him and that we will choose the right so that we can live with him again, and we discuss ways to choose the right. They are simple for them now, but it will be more difficult as they get older. I hope that I can instill in them the desire to always want to do what is right so that we can be with Daxton again.
I was talking with my Aunt this afternoon who will be 80 on her next birthday. She has accomplished all that she wants to in life, she has set her goals and made them, she is living as righteously as she knows how. She is read to go. It will be sad when she dies, but she won't be sad when she goes. There are many loved ones in Heaven that are waiting for her. Oh how I envy her, she is so close.
There were some napkins at work we used on New Years Eve that had these listed: gain 10 pounds, work out less, eat more chips, and be late for work. I actually thought they were humorous. While they are not my personal goals, they would be attainable for me, but wouldn't necessarily make me a better person. This year I have set a few goals. I want to fulfill them so I have chosen a few that are actually attainable. There is no use in setting goals that you fail before you even start.
It is a new year. We should try new things, begin anew. January is a good month, a month to start over, a new beginning.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Fun at the cabin
Isn't she just adorable. This is on the balcony at the cabin. We had so much fun, doing NOTHING!!! Well I didn't do anything, just laid around because I could barely breathe in the altitude.
I just love these pics with Uncle Danny. I like to get the walking ones from behind. I think they are sooo precious. Daxton wasn't quite old enough to walk just yet so I don't have one of him... oh sad.
Here are the girls on the sled. Grandma is pulling them. I think Mikenna is just making this funny face for fun. :)
Grandma with Savannah on the Tobbogan. Looks like they had a great time!!
On Christmas Day night and mom and Mikenna were outside on the Toboggan. This is at the top of the hill......
Then they went backwards and were at the bottom of the hill..... LOL!!!
And then there was Grandma getting up after she fell..... Sorry mom, these were TOOOO hilarious not to tell.
At the "cabin store," which is really the Family Dollar Store, grandma bought Mikenna some slippers and you wanted pajamas. These are what we came home with. You love love love them! Wore them day and night for a week.
Here Mikenna is out in the snow.... it was SOOO stinkin cold and she is just running around. She loves the cold and she loves the snow! Well kind of.
My Beautiful Girls
Savannah:Oh my dear sweet Savannah. How do I count the many ways I love you? Tonight you wanted to listen to music to go to bed, but we were in Uncle Adam's room and I am too blonde to know how to turn on the iPod home, so I asked if it was ok if I sang to you. You said that would be ok. So we sang "I am a child of God," the song we sang at Daxton's funeral. You knew all the words. I am not sure why I didn't have you sing it at the funeral. It would have been lovely :). Then we sang "Twinkle Twinkle" and you sang all the words. After that I think you had one more song in you. "Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam." You were out before I finished, snoring your little heart out.
There is never a dull moment when you are around. You always bring a smile to my face, even when I am frustrated with you, or when you repeat all the endearing terms I use to discipline you and your sister, like, "mind your own business," "be nice," "I'm so frustrated." You know them all and you repeat them.... much to my well, it is my fault I guess.
At church you have to say "hi" to all your favorite people and they all love you. There is no getting you to Primary unless you have made the rounds. Everybody loves Savannah. You truly are a special little girl.Tonight at the dinner table, you batted your eyes, and in your sweetest voice asked, "Papa Craig, me have a question." "Papa Craig, me have a question." I corrected her, "I have a question." "Papa Craig, I am have a question." In the meantime, Adam and Daniel (my brothers, your uncles, are asking if they can say the prayer). Finally, you got his attention. "Can I say the prayer?" Last week, we gave Logan a turn and it just broke your heart. I guess Papa couldn't resist or torture us another week, so he let you say it. You ran over and gave him a big kiss. We told you to sit down at the table and you looked at us and said, "I'll be quick." Oh you are a hoot!!!
At grandma's tonight, you were trying to get your uncles to give you what you wanted. In the midst of all that, they would make you tell them who was your favorite. It was very funny. You really know how to get what you want with your little smile. Sure love you little sis!
I think I just might be a little sad tomorrow when you have to go back to school.
Mikenna:Daddy and I were talking the other day about what a special little girl you are. To have a special sister like Savannah and a special brother like Daxton, Heavenly Father sent you especially for us, because you were so special. You are a great "big" sister to Savannah. You look out for her and keep her in line. Sometimes you forget I am the mother... but I know I forgot a time or two when I was your age, bossing my siblings around :).
Tonight you reminded me that we needed to read scriptures. You like to find the pages when I tell you the numbers. You are pretty independent in just about everything and you really like to do it by yourself. Your little temperament is very similar to mine and I have to remember that most days.
We have a picture viewer that we have put pictures of Daxton on and whenever you are sitting on the couch you turn it on so that you can watch him. Tonight you were watching it and telling us all who was in the pictures. I know how you miss your little brother. You have such a tender heart.
When you pray, you pray that we will choose the right so that we can live with Daxton again. I hope that this will always be the case. That you will always choose the right, no matter what. I hope that I can teach you and be a good example to you. You are such a special little girl.I love to hear you giggle. When your uncles tease you, you are so patient with them and you giggle when they chase you or when they are playing with you. It is fun to watch you grow. Sometimes you get a little upset that Savannah is in first grade and you are just in pre-K, but don't let the years pass to quickly for me sweetheart. They will come and go soon enough.
The other day I heard you in the playroom with you books and you read the word "cat." I was so impressed. I stopped doing what I was doing and just listened to you. Then you came running in all excited about the cat you drew. I made a big deal about it and the look of happiness on your face said it all. You and Savannah built a fort the other day and were so excited to show me. I couldn't believe you did it all by yourself and you were so considerate to think of Savannah. She couldn't climb over the top so you had placed a chair for her to climb on and jump into it. I am not so sure it was the safest thing to do, but you are so thoughtful of her needs.
I love you both so much and will miss you a tinge when you go back to school. :)
Friday, January 2, 2009
Baking our hearts out!
Because it is tradition to make goodies for all friends and family, I decided to recruit my girls for help this year. They actually did wonderfully, don't worry folks, we washed our hands about a million times!
Savannah was our official rollo wrapper opener and placement coordinator. Just in case you are wondering how to make this delectable treat..... the square pretzels go on bottom, with rollo on top, cook at 200 deg in oven until melted and then place a whole pecan on the top to squish down the chocolate. They are ever SOOOO tasty a treat. Thanks Savannah!
Doug insisted on getting pictures of his future Martha Stewarts, so here we are....
Mikenna had the very important job of sprinkling the pretzels after they had been dipped. She thought it was actually very hilarious. She had a few favorites to eat after she was all done. Isn't she just adorable? Of course!
Delivering the treats is the NEXT best thing to making them. I made them and Doug took the girls to deliver them in the neighborhood after I went to work. They dressed up for the occasion in their hats and gloves and jackets. Not sure it was that cold, but Doug likes to have an excuse to wear his "winter" items.
Yes my girls are about the cutest I have ever seen. I know I am biased, but I am the mother and that is my right :). Once again, hope you all had a Merry Christmas (and yes mom, those gloves are the ones from the wedding, the ones that didn't come cheap... but it was Doug who let her wear them, and look on the bright side, at least they aren't lost.... LOL!
Savannah was our official rollo wrapper opener and placement coordinator. Just in case you are wondering how to make this delectable treat..... the square pretzels go on bottom, with rollo on top, cook at 200 deg in oven until melted and then place a whole pecan on the top to squish down the chocolate. They are ever SOOOO tasty a treat. Thanks Savannah!
Doug insisted on getting pictures of his future Martha Stewarts, so here we are....
Mikenna had the very important job of sprinkling the pretzels after they had been dipped. She thought it was actually very hilarious. She had a few favorites to eat after she was all done. Isn't she just adorable? Of course!
Delivering the treats is the NEXT best thing to making them. I made them and Doug took the girls to deliver them in the neighborhood after I went to work. They dressed up for the occasion in their hats and gloves and jackets. Not sure it was that cold, but Doug likes to have an excuse to wear his "winter" items.
Yes my girls are about the cutest I have ever seen. I know I am biased, but I am the mother and that is my right :). Once again, hope you all had a Merry Christmas (and yes mom, those gloves are the ones from the wedding, the ones that didn't come cheap... but it was Doug who let her wear them, and look on the bright side, at least they aren't lost.... LOL!
The Daxton Tree & some of Christmas
I bought this tree last year as a "gift" to myself. In the picture it doesn't look quite as elegant as I think it is. I bought silver ornaments and picks (because they are easy to move on and off the tree) AND it is pre lit, which is SUCH a bonus. It was a most expensive tree, but I think it was worth it.That stepping santa in the corner provided hours of entertainment for Savannah. He goes up and down and up and down singing 4 Christmas songs. A bit obnoxious, but hey Savannah liked it. I can't help but think that Daxton would have loved it too. He might have pulled Santa off the ladder or stepped on the lights, but alas that was Savannah's job this year.
I had one of my very best girlfriends make a stocking for each of us for Christmas. Doug a toy soldier, me Mrs. Frosty, Savannah santa, Mikenna gingerbread girl, Daxton angel, and Baby sister elf girl. They turned out better than I could have imagined. When she was telling me about what she wanted to do with Daxton's angel stocking, I knew she was something special. I knew that she was doing her best and she wanted to make it special. I don't really know how to explain it, but thank you my friend.
I made these blankets for the girls and I. Doug I think felt left out so I made him a fleece blanket unbeknownst to him.... which I think he loves :). Well hopefully! The girls have to sleep with them every night. Makes me feel kinda special. As I was making them, Mikenna would ask me if she could have one and I kept telling her.... maybe :).
A tradition started BACK when I was a kid, taking pictures by all our stuff we got for Christmas. I believe that I will carry on this tradition. We always leave out treats for Santa, of course, and then in the morning we sing a song that only I know the words to, one day Doug will too and so will the girls. And sometimes we just make them up. LOL. And then Doug goes to see if Santa came. He leaves stuff on the couch with stockings full and a few presents under the tree. Santa left a note saying that he gave Dasher and Vixon LOVED the carrots and Santa knew that those were their favorite reindeer. The look of surprise and disbelief on Mikenna's face was priceless. How in the world did santa know?
This is the Daxton tree. I know it looks really sad. But it is mostly a depiction of our family. Not perfect, a little quirky, a little out of order, but trying to do our best to stand on the legs we have been given, despite what we are missing. My sister made picture ornaments and we also received blue ornaments. It is not in its entirety, but we did out best to get this picture, can't be perfect in all things :).I hope that you all had a very Merry Christmas! Can't hardly believe it is 2009. That is crazy.
The Bench
Well, this is it. The final resting place of my baby boy with the big blue eyes. It is hard to believe that his little body is buried here. We were excited it came before Christmas. It was bittersweet.
Girlies love the bench. Sometimes they complain about going to the "cemestery" but now that there is a bench for them to sit on... hopefully they won't dislike it so much.
I am not sure if they really "get it" but this gives them a bit more of a visual. It also gives me a visual, which I am not sure if I even like. But it is what it is.It is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. If I have to bury my little boy, this is the way I wanted it done. We put a lot of thought into what we wanted, the font, the picture, the poem on the top, 1 vase or 2. All in all, it is perfect.
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