Interesting thought

Yesterday was Sunday and one of my very kind friends who lets me pretend that her baby is mine on occasion called me to see if I would watch her little boy during one of the classes. Of course I said YES!!! He is the cutest most adorable little boy (aside from mine :)) and how could a girl say no to such blue eyes.

He came to me asleep. I laid him in my arms. It felt so natural. I really had to try to hold it together. Wiping my tears and my nose became almost too much for me, almost had to leave the Primary room. As I held him in my arms while he was sleeping, I thought, "I should be holding Daxton. I should be holding MY baby." And immediately the thought came to me with a peace only from our Father in Heaven, "No, you shouldn't be holding Daxton. He was never meant to stay here very long. You had him as long as you were supposed to."

And so I realize. Daxton was here for the time that he was supposed to be, not a moment longer I might add. While I miss him terribly, I know that he is performing a greater work in Heaven. Just thought I would share.

Personal Revelation

My cousin asked me my thoughts on this topic and for some reason I think better when writing on my blog. I just finished making 2 batches of rolls and I really hope that they rise good enough for me to use in the am, because I really want to make cinnamon rolls and the rolls you roll in LOTS of butter. I was having a bit of trouble with the yeast. You see, I bought a jar from Safeway, opened it, and then put in on the shelf in the pantry. Doug walked in one day and said, "You know, if you put yeast in the pantry and not in the fridge it will go bad." So I put it in the fridge (a little to late).

So the next day or so, I went to Walmart and bought a jar of yeast (for NO kidding 1/3 the cost I paid at Safeway) and promptly put it in the fridge after use. Well since I am SUCH a genius, I left both bottles in there and didn't bother to toss the "bad" one away. Seriously I just couldn't stomach tossing the bottle that cost me 3X as much away. I couldn't do it.

That leads me to tonight.... I was making this batch of rolls trying to figure out which yeast was bad and which one wasn't. Nobody but me knows I am making these rolls, so they won't know any different if they turn and crappy and in the garbage, but I KNOW that I made them and it was hard work, so I would like them to turn out :).

On to personal revelation.... we will see how we can tie all this together (LOL). First of all, if we aren't worthy of living with the Spirit then we are unable to receive personal revelation for ourselves, our family, our children, our circumstances, or anything for that matter. Much like the dead yeast. It no longer works and you get bad or no rolls at all. (a stretch I know).

Interestingly enough when I was cooking I thought to myself, "you bought that at Safeway and you have some other in the pantry from there. It was all the same brand, so if you can find it you will know which brand you bought where and the one from Safeway is the 'bad' one." I looked in the pantry and sure enough the one I had used on my rolls was from Walmart... or the good one.

Personal Revelation? Sure. I think that we don't necessarily need BIG revelations. A lot of little ones will help us gain a testimony. I run. My dad runs (or used to) It is our time to think, ponder, and we have both received countless numbers of personal revelation while running. I would also ask my dad to do a 'gut check' for me. He would fast, pray, or whatever he had to do and get back to me, with a verdict on my question.

Throughout my life I have had a number of personal revelations, albeit through the still small voice and personal prayer. I don't believe very many people receive personal revelation through angels, or the Heavens opening, or visions. Personally, I don't think very many people could handle it. However, I am simple. I just like simple answers to 'simple' questions.

From a very young age, I knew that I would have a 'special needs' child. I didn't know what the special need would be, who it would be, or if it would be a girl or a boy. I just knew. And then I had Savannah and it was made sure. The moment I saw Doug walk into my physics class at BYU-Idaho, I knew he was the one (I just needed to convince him :)).

When I left for Havasupai, I knew something very bad was going to happen. I would check my gut every night and was relieved when I felt peace. And then something bad did happen. Something tragic happened. I knew that I would come out of it. I knew that I would be able to survive it, to survive the death of my baby. I work towards it every day. Someday I will look back and see all the bitter and the sweet.

I know that each of us is capable in some shape, form, or fashion to have a personal revelation from our Father in Heaven. It is His way of communcating with us. It is His way of showing us He loves us and wants us to be happy. I don't know if this answers my cousin's question, but that is my answer :).

Migraines

Oh how I love a good migraine. Sucks all the energy, gives me black spots, and really is a PAIN.

When I was in college, my first semester, I was putting on my make up. All of the sudden I started seeing black spots. I thought what in the world is going on? I had no idea. I might have had a handful of migraines before, but never one with an aura (sign of something).

This particular day I began to freak out. It was early in the morning and I seriously thought I was going blind. I couldn't call the doctor because they weren't in yet and it was too early to call my mom. So I went to class.

About half way through my physics class (loaded with very cute boys, including my future husband) I had to RUN out of the room to the bathroom and puke. my. guts. out. It was the strangest thing I had ever experienced. I went back into the classroom somewhat sheepishly, grabbed my stuff, and headed home. My head was pounding and so I did what any college student would do. Took a cocktail of 3 extra strength Excedrin Tylenol, 2 Ibuprofen, covered my eyes, and went to sleep for 6 hours.

By the time I woke up, it was just a dull memory accompanied with a dull headache. I had experienced my first REAL. LIVE. MIGRAINE. Yeah. Throughout college I got them on and off depending on the stress and sugar levels in my blood.

Well they have resurfaced!!!! Can I say how seriously NOT excited I am about this? When I was pregnant with Daxton from about 30 to 36 weeks I experienced about 2-3 migraines a week. I only remember the weeks because I was doing a critical care rotation in nursing school and had one every other day for 4 weeks. Yay.

SO as I enter my 30th week, I am initiated with a repeat cycle of these lovely Ms. I have had 2 this week and it is only Thursday. I could seriously do with some suggestions that work for you all. I don't have the luxury of taking a Tylenol PM, Excedrin, or Percocet (which I think would REALLY work), so any other home remedies would be VERY much appreciated.

"I might go back then"

Last night at work we were discussing "If I could go back and do it all over" when would I go back, how far, and why? I reflected....


I had a great time in college, fun, fantsy free, only myself to worry about. Had some great roommates, learned a lot about myself, made some lifelong friends, and renewed old family relationships :). I might go back then.


When I met my husband. Head over heels in love. Googly eyes and all. It seemed so simple back then as well. I might go back then.


Savannah was born and I felt the love of a mother. To learn, to grow, to be her caregiver and mom. Well we have come a long way. I think I might not go back then :).


Mikenna was born.... ya she cried until she was 9 months and I almost pulled all my hair out and Doug's. She is 5 now and I am not sure I would go back to then either :). We have come a long way.


It is fun to have little girls running around. To see their personalities develop and to grow, even if they are too much like me and we don't always see eye to eye (ok NEVER!!!, grin). I love to see them learning new things, to have friends, to want to do things with friends, to have conversations with them when I lay by them. They continue to develop into cute little big people.


One year, 9 days, and 5 months ago. I would go back in two seconds. I would do it all over again. The joy that Daxton brought into my home will not be long forgotten. He was loved on, doted on, taken care of by his sisters, daddy, uncles, aunts, friends, and of course, me. Even if I new that I was going to lose him at 1 year and 9 days, I wouldn't change one moment of the time I spent with him. The old adage, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Well as my broken heart mends, I can contemplate this thought. I would lose him all over again if it would mean I would have at least 1 year and 9 days with my baby boy. Yes, I would go back then. That is actually where I would go first.


Now, lest you be led astray, I am not sure I could do the last 5 months over again. So I would rewind the 1 year, 9 days, and 5 months, and then skip over that last part.

Sack of Rocks

Today in Primary, one of the classes had sharing time, it went something like this....

I am the new secretary in the ward, following the master of all masters..... so you can imagine things don't run exactly smoothly in my current state. Well, first of all, I gave the wrong topic to the teacher, or perhaps I didn't even select one at all LOL! And I told the teachers only 10 minutes, when really they have 15, it is just REALLY likely that if a teacher (female) plans a sharing time, it usually amounts to about twice as long as what they had thought was planned. Turns out this time around it was two men..... SO that means I told them 10 minutes and they took 8, so singing time turned out to be EXTRA long :).

Back to the wrong topic. I actually needed what the teacher was teaching to the kids today. He told a story about when he went fishing and his dad caught so many fish he was bragging about it, so the boy and his friends thought it would be funny to fill his dad's bag of fish with a few extra rocks. His dad commented that the bag was sure heavy because of all the fish he had caught. When they got back to camp, his father dumped out the fish and discovered the rocks. The boy was in a bit of trouble..... as you might imagine.

Then he grabbed out a bag (full of rocks) and had one of the cute little 6 year old boys hold it. It weighed likely as much as he did. When asked if it was heavy, he said no, so the teacher let him hold it for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile he had each of the members of his class describe ways to "lighten the load" of this little boy, by discussing acts of service. Some of these were help others, be kind to others, love one another, pray for others, talk to someone at school who didn't have any friends... etc. After each child stated something they were able to remove a rock from the bag and the load of the little boy was lightened. It actually took about 7 rocks before the boy responded that the bag was getting lighter.

As I look back on these last 5 months, wow has it really been 5 months? Have I really be without the most perfect human being I have ever met in my life and ever will for 5 months? Has it really been 5 months since I held him, rocked him, snuggled with him, and thanked my Father in Heaven every day for every single moment I spent with him? Yes, it really has. For every single day in the last 5 months I have picked myself out of bed and carried on, because that it what we do. Carry on in times of trial, even when they seem or are more than we can bear.

I am a firm believer that Father in Heaven answers prayers. He answers them with other people. These people may be friends, family, co workers, strangers, all of which answer our prayers for Him. They perform acts of service; sending cards, a text, a note via email, comment on a blog, visiting teachers, bringing in meals, a QT on a hard day, taking kids swimming or to the park, prayers, fasting in our behalf, SO many. Through all of this and for the last 5 months, my load has been lightened by all of you. All of you my friends and family and fellow bloggers.

So much the same

This pregnancy seems so much the same as Daxton's (except that I am carrying a girl this time and not a boy). Baby sister moves almost as much or more than Daxton did. She is growing like crazy!!! There are many similarities this time. The same doctor, nurses, will be the same hospital, the same OR, the same recovery room.

Many memories flood my mind. Some make me sad, others make me apprehensive, but the same excitement and wonder still abound from what she will be like, who she will look like. It seems lately we have been doing things that I did when I was pregnant with Daxton and now. We went to a park when I was 5 months pregnant with Daxton and just revisited that park a few days ago. I sit in the same waiting room at the doctors office with Mikenna doing the same thing we did before.

As I look at all the one year olds running around with their mothers chasing after them...... well I can't really explain the swelling of emotion or the pangs of missing my one year old. There was one in particular yesterday when I went for a check up. She was 12 months. It didn't bother me when she was running around, but when she started to cry.... oh how I missed Daxton. I miss when he cried in my arms. When he ran into something and came crawling to me or looked up at me with those baby blues. All those thoughts come flooding back.

Did I mention I love to sleep when I am pregnant? Well I still love to sleep now for that reason, but also because I am raising Daxton in my dreams. I don't know if he is getting bigger, but last night I dreamt that I had been away on a trip and I came home. I was so relieved to see him and I didn't put him down. He slept with me, I carried him everywhere, and he was eating like a horse.

I remember one time I was working and had just woken up and gone to my mom's to get the kids. Mom had just put him to bed and he really didn't think that was a good idea so he was protesting LOUDLY in her bedroom in the playpen. I opened the door to the bedroom, walked in, and scooped him up into my arms. Immediately (of course) he settled down. His big crocodile tears dried on his face.... and we snuggled. He was SO tired!!!

Well that is the latest and greatest!

Something to think about

I would give everything I own on this earth to see my baby for just one more hour or minute or second or to have held him in my arms when he needed his mommy most. I would give anything to see him tomorrow. I pray that the time will come VERY soon that we will be reunited once more.

And then I think about how long I have waited to come to this earth, to gain a body, to learn, to grow, to be tried, to be tested, to know joy amidst the sorrow, to know good from the evil. This life I have waited for for many years.

Doug and I recently attended the "Time Out" for couples. It was actually pretty good for the most part. Doug Brinley, a well known author and professor at BYU spoke. Some of what he said struck me differently than what he intended I am sure.
***(note the following is just one man's perception, it is in no way shape or form doctrine, just a perspective)
He pointed out that we waited
2000 years from when Christ was born to come to this earth
4000 years from Adam and Eve
7000 years lets say it took to create the earth
1000 years for the eons before our time....

14000 years approximately we have waited to come to this earth, for the 80 +/- years we spend here. 14000 compared to 80.

This threw me a little when I was thinking about it with a different perception. I can wait these few short years. I will be with Daxton for the eternities. This life is but a small moment, thine afflictions are but a small part in this ginormous puzzle of our existence. I can wait. I can do this. I will put my shoulder to the wheel, face my challenges, and win these many daily battles.

I can wait those years to hold my baby again. The promise is sure that if I live righteously, when he rises again to the form that I laid him to rest, I will be able to raise him. I will know he is perfect and will pass the tests. I often think to myself how someone so perfect could be taken from me. I have 1 minute 30 second video I watched tonight with some friends of him in the bath tub. His cute little buns, his perfect little face, big blue eyes, and plushy little lips.

I will see him again. I will hold him again. Someday.... just not now.

Daxton Box

We are working on a "Daxton Box" for the hospital. Daxton was taken to Banner Gateway in Gilbert. They were a phenomenal team and the 'best' were there that day so I am told. However, I don't think it all ran as smoothly from the inside as it appeared on the outside. They were scrambling for blankets, 'death' packets for parents (....), and other items that they didn't expect to need. Being a very new hospital, I doubt they have very many 'traumas' in their ER, let alone little children.

One of the nurses there decided to put together a "Daxton Box" for the ER. This kit contains an assortment of blankets, stuffed animals, and an assortment of other items. For my brother's Eagle Project, he has decided that he wants to expound on this initial idea and make it better. He plans to build a box to represent the "Daxton Box" and we will fill tubs (from Walmart & depending on the response we receive) of Gallon sized baggies with a 12 picture disposable camera, 40 by 40 blanket, stuffed animal, letter from Daniel (my brother) explaining the Eagle Project and reason for doing it, Daxton's funeral program with a note from me on the back, a handprint/ footprint card with an envelope for a lock of hair or clothing.

These "boxes" will be given to families of children most likely up to the age of 4 or 5 to have with them in the hospital. Items selected are those that I wished that we had had on hand. I am going to try to get a picture up soon and a way on the side bar for people to donate items or money so that we can get out as many packets as possible to several different hospitals around the valley.

Anyway, this has been on my mind today as I have sewn 5 blankets for the last hour and a half to donate to these families through the hospital.

Mommy, I really want Daxton

PS: This one is for me.

It was actually a miracle, tender mercy if you will, that we got these pictures when we did. I told my mom we were all wearing white... I was actually quite snotty about it, if you can believe it (LOL) but I really wanted us all in white. So the girls were in white dresses, Daxton was as he is, and Doug and I wore white shirts with khaki pants. Little did we know these pictures would be posted all over the place and used for his funeral program and the inspiration for so many gifts, friends, and family.

I have a video of Daxton in the bathtub. It is the only 1 minute and 30 seconds that I have of him. The girls love to watch it, they love to see him. They love to hear his voice and they ask for more, so we watch again and again and again. I must admit, that is what I want too. I just wish that I had more, but would it make it easier? Would it relieve the pain? No probably not. It would never be enough.

Today I was cleaning. It is easier now without a toddler toting in my arms. I had a house cleaner on a regular basis because I didn't see any point in putting Daxton down when I could hold him all day and have someone else do the cleaning. Mikenna was thinking... she is a thinker. I hollered for her to go get me the broom (she is sooooo soooo very helpful) and she comes in and says, "Mommy, I really want Daxton." And that is how my day started. I wanted to stop her and talk to her. I usually talk about him and let them talk about him whenever they want. They go in his room and play in his clothes (no, I have not yet put them away), put the babies on his bed and just be. How can I deny them that when that is exactly what I do. I lay on his bed where I used to snuggle him. I stand in his room where I stood so many nights with him. I feel his presence around the house, but most of the memories are there in his room, where so many hours were spent rocking and snuggling and singing all his favorite primary songs.

We were looking at pictures tonight of Daxton and came across the ones of the C section.... Savannah thought the blood was really cool. (I know traumatizing my children early, but Mikenna wants to be a nurse so what better timing than now?) She also liked the ones where I was crying... really all she had to do was just look at the 'water drops' running down my face while we were looking at them. Mikenna said, "Mommy is this when he was in Heaven? His spirit isn't there anymore, is it?" So intuitive. She gets it, she really does. She is a keeper, even when we have knock down, drag out fights..... yes a constant power struggle. We are too much alike.

The things we do....

Went to JoAnn's the other day... to get some yarn for one of my many projects :), and was standing at the checkout line. These lines are always about 10 years long because everyone who needed something that day came at the exact moment that I happened to walk into the store, not to mention there is only one checker, occasionally two. The first checker is in high school and has no care in the world, the other is a cute little grandma who is still in training.

As I am standing in my line that consists of me, the four people in front of me, and the four people in back of me, I pick up a very appealing, complementary magazine. It has many patterns and designs of clothes I would never even dream of making, but they sure are cute. I am perusing this magazine when I happen upon the end. I turn it over to see if there is anything on the back, AND THERE IS!!!

There are so many 40% and 50% off coupons to JoAnn's I think I just might go crazy. Now I am thinking to myself... "don't tell all these other people what I just scored upon, we wouldn't want them to know my 'free' secret." So I inconspicuously place the magazine under my shoulder, after all it is complimentary.

When I get to the checkout the checker says, pointing to my magazine, "Is that yours?" Hello what kind of question is that? Of course it is I am thinking, Well it is now... I reply, "Yes," trying hard NOT to say, "DUH!!" I carefully rip out one of the magically appearing coupons and hand it to her. Actually today I don't need it because the items I am purchasing are on sale. YEAH, I can save them for another day.

I put the magazine and the items in my bag and tote out to the car. I show Doug my good finds and then I show him the coolest magazine, because it has all these coupons on the back and seriously how are all the people in line so DUMB that they didn't see it and use them? He looks the magazine over and sees "Suggested Retail Price $2.99." Boy do I feel like an idiot.

I sheepishly replaced the ripped out coupon and raced into the store (ok the pile outside on display because I seriously can't face the high school cashier whom I previously had thought was oblivious to the world, when really it was ME) placing very carefully my "complimentary magazine" that only costs $2.99 (der) per issue. Wow am I blonde or what? It was a good laugh on an otherwise plain day.

Do you have a laugh to share? Sometimes I have such rotten days that a laugh or humorous story or joke makes me smile. Loves to all!!!

Halloween and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Savannah

Today Savannah turned 7 years old!!! Can you believe I have a 7 year old? I sure can't. She brings so much joy to us. She is the life of the party. Tonight she told us all to fold our arms so we could say prayer and then when it was time to open presents she told us OK time to start singing Happy Birthday. It was awesome.

Here is Savannah blowing out her candles. She had told me previously "no cake" so we had pizza and rice krispie treats. For those of you who know what a special diet she is on.... know this about near killed me, but we need to live a little every once in awhile, even if it means to sacrifice before or later.

And Savannah opening her presents. She got away with a loot. Thanks everyone for all the presents! They continually sort and play and sort and play.

Will it never end? Nope. They just kept coming and coming and coming.

This is Savannah at her school halloween party and Bday party. I wish that we could post some more pics, but this is the internet and I must respect the other parents by not posting without their permission. We had dirt pudding for a snack. Savannah was so excited to see us! She introduced us to all the kids in her class. It was great.


We had a visitor in the form of a gorilla. Savannah really took to him. Makes me a little worried about how fearless she really is.


These of course are the scrubs that we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning. Savannah has on red pants underneath the Thomas tomp. They thought it was something else. I was very happy with how they turned out and will not likely ever touch a sewing machine again :).