Going to Mexico

The other night (or tonight), I was watching a show and one of the story lines was about a little girl with TaySachs who was 5 years old. It is a terminal illness and this child was dying. Her father was so concerned about getting her the best treatment and wanted to take her to Mexico for a 'new procedure' and didn't have time to see what was right in front of him. His daughter. Slipping away. He finally realized that he wasn't going to get his daughter to Mexico in time before died.

As she was slipping away he told her that they were going to make it Mexico. They were going to where the sky was so blue and the sand was so white and the water was so clear they could see all the way to the bottom. It was then that she fell asleep silently in his arms. While I am not entirely sure that such a place exists, I can see the irony.

One of the nights we were talking about grief and our journey on this road the thought came to me that there had better be ice cream in Heaven. But I think that there will be something BETTER than ice cream in Heaven. The food, if there is any, will be more delicate and extraordinary than I can even imagine. The sky will be so blue. The water will be so clear. The mansions above will be so white. It will be so pure. It is where I will see my baby again when I am reunited with him. I can't imagine anything more perfect than that day. Than that time. In heaven.

Viva Las Vegas

I just spent three VERY great days in Las Vegas with my new friends Stephanie, Michelle, and Tiffany. It seems as if I have known them forever. I know that our friendship was orchestrated by our little angels; Daxton, Camille, and Jack. I know they are missionaries in Heaven and they sent each of us to meet each other.

While there, we enjoyed MANY cookies, chocolate chip and sugar cookies. SO YUM. So much for P90X this week. I did the work outs, but well, it was SO worth it. I enjoyed the time I had just "being" with girls who "know." We spent one night with all us girls just talking, crying, exercising, and enjoying each others company without all the pretenses. The next day Tiff came over to Steph's and we just hung out. I was glad to get to know them better. I had only talked on the phone and texted Tiffany so it was nice to put her name with a face. It is interesting how when you meet someone, you right automatically know that they are going to be great friends. You connect with them on a deeper level than you even have with anyone else and well you know what I mean. It was like that.

I appreciate the time that we spent together, to know such amazing women, to help me on this journey of grief. I know that I could not do it without them. Each of their heartbreaking stories give me strength to go on. I know that if they can do this, then so can I.

I am also grateful for all my friends, family, and you for the support that I receive from each of you. With you, I can do anything. Really. Even lose a child. (And I pray not another).

Strawberries. Jam. Strawberries. Jam.

Ya.... so last night we spent 8 hours making freezer jam and freezing strawberries. I think we do it for the "bonding" experience. Or something. At about 10pm, I looked at my mom and said, "I think we do this because we think it is 'fun'." To which she replied, "Well, are we having fun yet?"

I think "fun" is overrated at this point. But we did end up with about 66 pints, what is that, like 13 gallons of strawberry jam and like 27 pounds of frozen strawberries. Seriously. Where am I going to put it all. Luckily, we were splitting it up in 3 ways, but still. Seriously.

So today in Primary the President pulled me aside and asked if I would bear my testimony of the ressurection. This year the theme is 'My Eternal Family.' And this month we are learning about the Saviour and His life and ministry. Today we talked about the Atonement. From the time He was in the Garden of Gethsemane until He came to the Americas to see the Nephites. We talked about how He suffered and bled from every pore in the Garden for our sins and sorrows. This is a new meaning for me, because I know that there is ONE person who knows exactly how I feel, and that is Jesus Christ.

We also talked about how He was hung on the cross with nail in His hands and feet, how He suffered so much there. And then when He was taken to the tomb and Mary came to find Him and did not see Him there. She saw a gardener and asked where Jesus was. The gardener replied that it was Him, her Lord and Savior.

Jesus Christ was ressurected. My son will be ressurected. I will see him again. I will raise him. I will be with him and I will NEVER let him out of my sight. Sometimes I miss him so much it hurts my soul. I was reading of the 'earlier' days in my grief. I used to write in a journal every day of all of my thoughts. I keep it by my bedside and read it occasionally. The entries begin to trickle from every day to every couple of days to every week to every month and so on. It had been awhile since I picked it up.

I wanted to see how far I had come. Have I made any 'progress' in this journey of grief? I don't know. Lately I feel kind of 'blah.' That is about the only way I can describe it. I stay mostly busy doing mom stuff, taking care of kids, the house, the husband :), working, and the daily P90X workout that truly keeps me SO busy. And tired. I don't really have much time to 'think' about my grief, but that doesn't mean it isn't ALWAYS there. I think of Daxton all the time. All. The. Time.

So today, I took a picture of our family. I pointed to Daxton's picture and told the kiddos that this was my son. He died. I told them that I knew that one day I would see him again, but that I needed to choose the right. I love him. I miss him. I will do all that I can to be with him again.

Piggies

Today Mikenna got in my car and said, "Mommy, today was not a good day at school."

To which I replied, "Why not honey?"

She said, "Because Ethan and Kiara were pulling my piggies." (which she did ALL by herself and it looked WAY better than I could have made them)

Oh my sweet sweet girl! I said, "Did you tell them to stop?"

"No, I ignored them and took them out."

I wish that kids weren't so cruel. I wish I could take those two little stinkers and hang them by their toes!!! Owell, such is life. I told her next time she should pull their piggies.... ok not really, but wouldn't you?

2-in-1

EASTER

Well I worked this last weekend so I have been "out." But I am back for a few minutes.

5 days leading up to Easter we started to talk about Jesus and the Atonement and the "true meaning" of Easter. I have struggled with this holiday this year because of the Easter Bunny. It really has nothing at all whatsoever to do with our Savior, so I didn't "really" participate in it.

Each night we had a special lesson on Christ and the sacrifice He made for us. I tried to tie into it that He suffered for not only our sins but our sorrows and He made it possible for us to live with Daxton again. We went to the cemetery and had a mini lesson and picnic at his grave and talked about what we can do to live again with him. Then Doug and the girls watched "The testaments" on Friday night on the projector. For those of you who haven't seen it, it is about Jesus Christ coming to the Americas. It is phenomenal. The girls loved it. Mikenna says, "Daddy, I want to watch this movie EVERY day."

I hope that they at least learned that Easter is about the Savior.

On Sunday, I got home from church and put an easter basket outside the front door and told the girls that the easter bunny had left them something special. I only got them swimsuits and some stickers. I had some great ideas given to me for next year, but I was working and couldn't get to them. Then we went to grandma's and did a little egg hunt in the back yard. It was super fun. Savannah kept opening all the eggs and didn't even mind that Mikenna found them all. THANKS MOM!

P90X

Well it is time to rid myself of this "baby fat." Well the excuse of baby fat :). SO I have started to do the P90X dvds. IN 90 days I will post a before pic and after pic (that is subject to change on the before pic). But each Monday I will update you all on how it is going. Wish me luck!

Grumpy Face

So this week I have been trying to be a better mom... whatever that means. I also wasn't sure how I was going to teach my children about Easter. I could actually just let the day pass and they would not be any the wiser. I am not that fond of the Easter Bunny anyhow and would like for him NOT to come and bring candy. I expressed my thoughts to a friend and she said that we are the ones that are supposed to teach our children about holidays and why we celebrate them. Ok not in those exact words. But it got me to thinking.

I wanted to help my children to learn more about the atonement and why we celebrate Easter. So I asked them why do we have Easter? To which the reply came, The Easter Bunny. Oh GREAT!!! Just what I want them to tell their Sunday School teacher, actually I don't care, but in all reality I would like them to know the true meaning of Easter. So I dug through my family home evening lessons and found several lessons on Easter and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Each day (starting last night, because that was when I had the brilliant idea) we are and have been having a mini lesson on Jesus and Him atoning for our sins and sorrows and what that means to us. The first night we did a little lesson on the Easter Bunny and I thought what in the world do eggs and the Saviour have anything to do with each other. Doug said that the egg represented a new life (that is when we don't eat it) and that the Saviour made it possible that we could live with Him and Father in Heaven again, thus giving us new life. I also thought that because the egg was white is represented purity (of course that is after it has been bleached). So we explained that to the girls.

I hope that I am instilling a basic understanding of the atonement to my girls. I hope that after they hear 3 more variations of the same story that they might be able gain a certain knowledge that in order for us to live with Daxton again, the Saviour had to atone for us.

Now to the title.... Tonight as we got home from the cemetery to visit Daxton's grave, I told the girls to get their jammies on and get ready for bad. It was fast approaching 8 o clock and I am generally NOT a very good mommy after 8pm, so I said, "You two better hurry! I am not a very nice mommy after 8 o clock." To which Savannah added, "Are you going to show us your grumpy face?" Well not after that :) She is TOOOO smart.

Growing older

Mikenna likes to wake up in the morning and annoyingly ask me, "Mommy what are we going to do today? Can I go to a friend's house?" This all wouldn't be so annoying if it wasn't at 745 in the am and I am STILL IN BED ASLEEP!!! I know I am lazy. But? What do you do? I have a newborn... along with a STRONG desire to stay in bed that I fight daily.

As usual, well mostly usual, Mikenna won our little "What are we going to do" game today and went to play at a friend's house. I took her at 930 and she stayed until school and was home around 3. When I dropped her off, she said, "Mommy, what are we goign to do after school?" (SERIOUSLY???? You are playing at a friend's house right now, don't worry about it!!!) To which I responded lovingly, "We are just going to stay at home." She says, "Why? Because I will be gone all day and you will miss me?" Oh sister, that is EXACTLY what I was thinking.

Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for Isabella time, but I am used to Mikenna being at home and I would much rather have her home annoying me than being away from me. It was too quiet this morning. I didn't even have the desire to do much that was on my list, because I was so sad she wasn't here. I know. PATHETIC.

What am I going to do when she is in Kindergarten all day next year. I am already so sad. I NEVER thought I would be sad to see her go. She is tough for me. We butt heads often. But I will miss her. It will be just me and Isabella. Which led me to thinking that it should be me and Isabella and Daxton.... and then I was sad.

Today I remembered that when I had him in the shower with me, I would wrap him in a towel and place him on the floor of the shower while I did my thing after I had bathed him. I also remember the way he would look at me. He could speak volumes with his eyes. He told me how much he loved me each time I picked him up and each time I nursed him. He was a little impatient when he woke up. He wanted to eat RIGHT NOW. And all heck would break loose if you didn't either have a bottle or a boob waiting for him when you walked into the door of his room. I miss him.

When Savannah walked into the house after school she said, "Mommy, I want to go to Aunt Drana's and see the two twins. Call her?" So to the two twins we went! Along with a four wheeler ride, dinner, changing diapers, clothes, getting peed on, and many more exciting happenings when playing with two twins who are only 4.5 months old :).

Conference Weekend

I just spent an amazing weekend up at my parents cabin in Heber. It was COLD! We had to wear jackets (although we left ours in the the Valley because seriously, it is like 100 degrees here, how could it possible be 35 degrees anywhere else!).

Being it was conference weekend and I knew that I had to entertain my kids quietly for 8 hours of the 4 sessions of conference, I packed "projects," and lots of them. Sticker books, crayons, glue, paper, scissors, markers, pipe cleaners, beads, and puzzles. Turns out we only needed the sticker books grandma bought. THANKS MOM!!!

To preface, General Conference is where all the authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints give messages to the members. They write their own talks and choose their own topics. It is a time for us to grow spiritually and be uplifted, renew our goals to be better saints, to set new goals, to become better Christians, to improve ourselves. You can go to www.lds.org to learn, hear, or read the talks given by the general authorities of the church. The prophet is President Thomas S. Monson and he always gives great messages.

On Saturday we thought we would be able to get conference on the radio... turns out we didn't. SO we got all the kids dressed up in Sunday best and drove over to the church for the am and pm session. It was actually really great. I haven't ever been to the church for conference, we usually watch it within the walls of our home on TV. I truly felt the Spirit. I was more focused. Less distracted. I didn't mind being there at all and the girls did really well (thanks to grandma).

I was touched many times by many of the speakers, particularly Elder Scott's talk. I am still trying to process it. He told personal stories about his two children that he lost. He had a son who was born with a heart defect. He had a daughter who was born and died shortly after. Just 6 short weeks later, his son passed away after a surgery to fix his heart. I am still trying to process this. I lost Daxton. If I were to have lost another child just 6 weeks later, it would be many weeks, months, years before I thought life was worth living again.

Elder Scott then went on to say how important his temple covenants were, that he was sealed to his children, that he would one day be able to raise them and be with them again. And then 14 years ago, he lost his wife. With so much sorrow in his life, he gave his talk with such humility. He is not bitter. He is not angry. I don't pretend to know what his journey has been like all these years, how he has come to be at peace with all the sorrow. But. I know one thing. It has NOT been easy for him. AND. If he has somehow, after all this time come to find that peace, understanding, and willingness to submit to God's will, then I can someday as well. It gives me hope that I might wake up one morning (not so soon I am afraid) and say that I am "grateful" for the trials in my life. I am a long way away from that, but Elder Scott has given me hope.

The story of the woman who was forced to leave Prussia and go back to Germany, 1000 miles away with her 4 children and no husband (who had been killed) has left a sick feeling in my heart. On the way, she lost each of her children along the way. Did you catch that? She lost ALL four of her children AND her husband. What makes her or gave her the drive to get up in the morning. I can see NO reason to carry on after such losses. Yet she did. I don't know how she did. But she did.

The interesting part about losing a child is that if you told me 10 years ago that this would be my trial, I would have told you I would crumble into a thousand pieces (I did mind you, but somehow I have managed to put some of those pieces back together). I made a comment to my dad after Elder Scott's talk that if I had to lose another child, I would break and you might as well bury me with them. He said, "It is amazing what we can handle." At first I was really taken aback. Hello? Did I hear you correctly? Who says I can handle this? But he is right. Darn it. He is right. I get up every morning. I take care of my kids. I have a testimony of the gospel. I know that I will see Daxton again. I know that I will someday raise him. If this is what is meant to "handle" what I have been given, then I guess I am "handling" it.

Spiritually, I get it. I can get how we survive each of our trials. Psychologically? I don't get. My mind plays so many tricks on me it is scary. I see things. I hear things. (Maybe I am goin crazy, maybe I am normal) When I hold Isabella I have flashbacks of holding Daxton in my arms. Of calming him when he was upset. I remember how I never liked to watch him sleep. It was always disturbing to me. Now I know why.

Seems as though I have rambled enough for one night......