Secret Santa

Last year for Thanksgiving, my mom's whole family (8 siblings and 40 grandkids) came to AZ to spend it with us at my aunt's house. We have a tradition of everyone going around in a circle and saying at least one thing that they are grateful for. Try as I may to avoid this tradition that was fairly painful, all I could muster up was I was grateful for eternal families. Then I said, "That's all I got."

Not a great attitude.... I know. But what could I expect? I was only about 4 months from the most heartbreaking, on my knees, cry in my pillow, can't get out of bed in the morning tragedy of my life. I am not going to say those days, weeks, or months don't happen anymore, but I have found more to be grateful for.

I am grateful this year for my husband. For what we have learned these last 16 months (has it been that long?) for how we have grown, together and separately. Of course I would have really liked to have learned in other ways, but this was the best way my Father in Heaven sees fit to teach me.

The past few months I have had inner struggles, trying to find deep down who I am, where I belong, and how I can become better. After any big trial in our lives, we look to what we are supposed to learn, what we have learned, and how we can apply what we have learned. Recently I have been asking myself some really tough questions. I hope one day to have those questions answered. By myself and my Father in Heaven.

This past week we were up north with Doug's family, for Thanksgiving, weddings, showers, you name it, we did it in 4 days. It was a whirlwind of a trip, but well worth it. While I admit not initially having a good attitude about it, I am grateful that we were able to spend the holiday with the Kunz's. It has been a long time.

Secret Santa? you might wonder the title of my post :). HOLD on. It is coming. Mom came to pick us up from the airport today and when we arrived in our driveway, we came upon this:

I nearly started bawling my eyes out. I haven't made it to the cemetery in awhile and have felt a little guilty about it. I just don't know how I can go to the store and pick out flowers and items that will look "good" on my baby's grave. Who does that? How is that right?

And so I have avoided it altogether. But when I saw his pictures in the tree with the blue ornaments, I knew he was being thought of, that I was being thought of. To know that there are those of you who are still thinking of my precious little one all these months later. Well. There. Are. No. Words. But thank you. Thank you so much.

Attitude is Everything

I don't suppose that anyone has ever done something that they didn't want to do, but knew that they had to do. And if you did do that said something you didn't want to do, I bet you did it with grace and poise. And if you haven't ever had to do something you didn't want to do, you are one lucky peep!

I have had lessons on this very thing, past, present, and likely in the future.

For instance, every other weekend I go into work. I actually love what I do (newborn intensive care unit nurse), but sometimes it is very hard to leave my girlies, and other times it is EASY :). However, I must go to work so I may as well have a good attitude about it.

Have you ever had a grouchy attitude about doing something you weren't super duper excited about? How did that make you feel? What about the people around you? I bet it was miserable for all parties involved.

I have learned that attitude is everything. This life is the time for trials, doing things we don't want to do, and learning from them. We can either have a good attitude about it and get on with it OR we can have a grouchy attitude and be miserable while making all those around us miserable.

Hopefully I can someday be able to have a good attitude about all the things I don't want to do.... until then :)!

Why do people call you?

Today I took a CPR class. This is what I do. I take CPR. I give CPR. At work.

Not daily, but occasionally.

Actually the last time I did the actual chest compressions and breaths it was a 60 year old man who went down in the elevator at work from a heart attack. He didn't make it. You know what I thought? I thought it was cool I got to do CPR. And why am I admitting this? Not sure.

I don't think it is cool anymore to give CPR. There is nothing cool about it. Nothing. Did you hear about the 11 months old the television fell on and she died? That. Was. Not. Cool. I gave that family a Daxton Box. It was awful. Really awful. Really. Really. Awful. Actually I didn't personally give it to the family. Too hard. But I gave it to the nurse with specific instructions on how to use it.

This is my trigger.

On my way home from my CPR class, my friend called me to tell me that she heard her baby's heartbeat. The little energy sucking embryo has a heart beat. I cried with her. See my friend has had 3 miscarriages, each one happening longer and longer into gestation. And she just picks herself up and moves on. With 3 boys, what are the options anyway :)?

She has a friend giving a talk in church who called her up and asked her, "Why do people call you?" I thought this an odd topic or question, but she explained the talk was on friends, why we have them, how they help us, what we have to offer them.... etc.

Got me to thinking.

After Daxton died, there were very few people I would call or talk to. Actually only one or two. You see when you lose a child, very few people you know have been through the same tragedy (and thank goodness) and they don't relate very well. But they try. And I am grateful.

With this particular friend, I would text her. When I couldn't muster up the energy I asked her to do things for me.

Now she lives 2.5 hours away, so these were "vicarious" acts. But she would do things like get out of bed for me, play with her kids for me, go get a diet coke and drink it for me, eat a bowl of ice cream with brownies for me, make cookies for me which were delivered via a sister in law, I actually was able to really eat them :), but most importantly, she would kiss her baby for me. She would hold him for me. She would love on him for me. She would dote on him for me.

These small acts were "code" for I am having a crappy day. HELP. For instance, if I was having a cryamony, I would text her "I need two diet cokes and please kiss Brooks for me" and she would know. And I would know. That somewhere she was doing something to think of me. To think of my little boy. And likely crying with me.

So in answer to her friend's question. THAT is why I call her. THAT is why I call my Annie.

TO hEaL a BroKen HeARt

How can each new day bring joy instead of sorrow?

How does life ever seem like it can have meaning again?

How can a broken heart be mended?

Isn't it obvious?

Stages

It is interesting in life how we go through stages. We learn, grow, laugh, cry, make new friends, lose old ones, stretch ourselves, and so much more.

I love the little stages that my children go through. I love the stages where they are at.

Kisserbella is 9 ½ months old. This is the FUNNEST stage. Everything is new to her. Everything around her is something to experiment, something to try, something to learn. She is like a sponge soaking up knowledge, inputting in her little brain everything she can. I love how she says ma ma ma or da da da. I love how she crawls around solely to follow me to see what I will do next.

I love to watch her play with the older girls stuff and then to see them get frustrated with her. I love her smile, her laugh, her clapping, when she learns something new. I love her cute little teeth that she plays with with her tongue all day (which I mistakenly think is a foreign object). 9 to 18 months is a fun time for me. It is right before they become too mobile and too curious and just after they are little babies. They develop personality and it sure shines through my Kisserbella.

I would be ok with this stage FOREVER. Actually I wouldn’t. Daxton will forever be this age to me and I don’t really want to pay that price again. So no I technically don’t want Kisserbella to be in this stage forever, although it is one of my faves.

Mikenna is doing math, reading, and learning how to be socially appropriate at school. She wants to please her teacher (and sometimes me) and she wants to make friends. She is kind of the big sister of the group and she enjoys that role. She is much like a little sponge soaking up all that she can. I can’t believe how grown up she is getting.

She is my helper, my rival, and my friend. It is fun to watch her personality bloom (or explode rather) to see what she will do next. She is my 6 year old going on 16 (I hear this isn’t that uncommon). She helps me around the house. She takes care of her sisters. This early childhood is really fun for me to watch. I get to teach her, reason with her, but heads with her, and find common ground where we can both come together and get along. I love to see her at school, answering questions, reading her books, helping the other students. I can’t believe how fast time has flown. I can’t believe she is gone all day from me.

Savannah is incredible. The other day I was at her school and she was in her element. She loves school. She loves everybody at school. She knows everybody by name. And they know her by name. She is the friendliest little mama I have ever seen. Sometimes it is scary. Sometimes it takes us 45 minutes in the grocery store instead of the 10 I wish it would, because she is talking to everybody. By the time we leave there isn’t a person we haven’t met and found out where they live, why they are at the store, what they are doing after the store, if they have a mom or dad (aka wife or husband), do they have a dog, what kind of dog it is, if they have children…. Well you get the picture.

She is learning to read. Did you get that? READ. I couldn’t believe it and I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. She knows how to READ. Ok we aren’t talking anything crazy, but was reading words like van, man, can…. For her teacher. It was incredible. Now I think that when she gets home all that information disappears from her brain, because she won’t FOR THE LOVE do it for me, but that is beside the point.

She knows how to navigate the computer. I never thought I would see the day when she would be able to handle a mouse by herself or READ!!!! I can’t believe how far she has come. She helps me with Kisserbella. ALWAYS making sure she has a clean diaper, clean clothes, and is fed. She even helps get her out of her crib in the morning (ya. I am sure that is one I DON’T want to see….), which btw I don’t necessarily approve, but the more I tell her she can’t do something…. The more she will. Sound familiar? NO J

I just can’t believe the many different stages they are all in and that they all go through. It is crazy how we can make a little person and then one day we wake up and they are big persons.

I hope that I can always remember (or at least today) that they aren’t little forever. This too will go on. They will get bigger. Time will pass. But I hope it goes slowly. I love being their mom. I love watching them grow. I can’t wait for the day when we are ALL together again, the day when I get to raise my little man. The day my family is whole again. The day my heart is whole again.

Family Fun Day

AKA: No School

Instead of yelling at my children all day long (which isn't uncommon. I know. Yer shocked) I decided to plan a few things for them to do.

I asked both of them what they wanted to do and we ended up making projects:

Perhaps this isn't my greatest work, but the fine motor skills and patience from my girls was uncanny. I was sooooo proud!

Going to the park.

Taking a nap.

Therapy, Music, and Reading.

Overall it was pretty fun and I didn't even yell too much at the kids.... although I must admit that I was grumpy when Doug got off work.

We have a new face in the house.

While we were singing to the music Mikenna is learning for her Let's Play Music class I was feeding Isabella in her high chair when she starts clapping. I thought that was odd since honestly I don't remember clapping "with" her.

However, I stopped for a moment and listened to the music. In between verses, there is clapping. And she was clapping appropriately (with the clapping that is.... just in case you were wondering if there was a clapping etiquette). I about died!!!! It was so funny.

I rewound the song and played it again (just to be sure my child prodigy really IS a child prodigy) and she began clapping AGAIN with the music. Seriously. Well as proof, I taped it. I doubt I will ever be smart enough to get it up on the blog, but if you know me well, don't forget to ask me to see it when you come over.

Let us NOT forget the 3 TWINS! I exchange babysitting with my aunt occasionally and the 3 TWINS, well they just get into TROUBLE!!!! But aren't they the cutest? And we really can call them the 3 twins because they all look the same "alike." :)

E.L.E.V.E.N miles

Yes folks. That says ELEVEN miles. Did I mention that those ELEVEN miles were run? Ok there was a little bit of walking involved because I was SO sick to my stomach (which by the way when I got home puked my guts out.... I know you TOTALLY wanted to know)

I can't believe we did ELEVEN miles. I know. I have done this amount before.... but it has been a REALLY long time. AND I wasn't nursing. AND I wasn't working. AND I didn't have a baby to wake me up in the wee hours of the morning.

BUT we did it. I can't believe it. AND I did it in THE.WRONG.SHOES. Seriously? For those runners out there, you know this leads to shin splints, knee injuries, foot injuries... Well I have had shin splints after our long runs lately and went to the running store to figure out what was the matter. I told the worker what shoe I was in, he looked at my feet and said, "Those are the LAST shoe I ever would have put you in." Apparently that means I am in the WRONG SHOE!

How can I be in the wrong shoe you ask? Well I went to two running company stores and they BOTH put me in this shoe. SO 5 years later. I am hoping to get into the RIGHT shoe so that my shin splints will go away. GRRRR!!!!!