No she isn't here yet.... Next Friday so wish me luck!!!
Many people have asked if we have a name. Here is the story:
We have been tossing around 2 or 3 names for the last few weeks. We finally agreed on one about a week ago when Doug created a new password with the first letter of this name.
That being said. I don't want to tell the name for a few reasons. I wish I could explain them. I wish I could let you all in on all the emotions that come with a baby being born after losing one not so long ago. How could I not be so excited and full of joy you might ask. I am. Really I am. At least that is what I keep telling myself.
I keep hoping that I will love her just as much as I did Daxton. I keep hoping that when I see her she will remind me of him. That I will see him in her. Is that bad? I don't know. I don't want them to be the same, but I need that. Maybe I fear I won't get it or maybe I fear that I will. It is so hard to tell.
I know that with each child that I have and probably you mothers out there can relate. Will I love this child as much as my others? Do I have enough love? Or do I get more love? How can I possible get more love? Does a mother who has 10 kids love her last less than the first? I don't think so, to even say that out loud seems absurd, but each child I have I still worry.
I will be delivering at the same hospital as I delivered Daxton. When my aunt was there and we were in the recovery room and just across from her was where I held my baby for the first time... well I lost it. I can only imagine what it will be like when I am there again. For me. And I can't leave the room. The other option was to deliver at the hospital where Daxton was taken. It is just shy of the Ritz hotel with marble floors, crown molding, room service, and plasma TVs, but I don't know if I could do that either.
So back to the name: The anxiety of bringing another child into this world has overcome me. Just because I have lost one child doesn't leave me a check mark by my name for that trial. It has happened once and the reality is, it could happen again. Deep down the real reason I don't want to "name" baby sister before she is here? Well it would just be nice to get her here and then see. Anything could happen. Maybe that is pessimisstic on my part, but I am just trying to be realistic. For me.
So please don't feel bad if I don't tell you her "name" before she gets here. I want to meet her and make sure she will be with us before I begin putting a name to her.
8 comments:
I, too, have a hard time with new children in my family. It was most difficult between the first and second...not understanding that love can't be exhausted and that there is always more. I struggled (a little) with the choice on where to birth Jocelyn. I ended up choosing the same place as I had chosen with Evan. I was hoping there'd be something healing in that. Maybe there was because now I've birthed two babies at home...and it's probably the same home Evan died in...although he was pronounced dead after they worked on him a bit in the hospital. Sometimes, there isn't so much symbolism in what we choose to do. What is, is. Now we've moved (we planned and worked toward moving for a year in advance) and at times I definitely miss the old place. I wish you well with your delivery. #4 seemed to me to be so fast...like my body knew what to do and didn't waste any time in getting the job done. I loved that part of it.
Hey Britt...I'm sorry about Daxton. I'm really really sorry. I miss him too.
You are such a beautiful person. You have a wonderful way of putting into words what all this is like. I feel like I understand, but then again, how could I? Only you know what it is like. I DO know the Lord loves you oh-so much. I have a feeling He is going to bless you with a wonderful, smooth, joyous birth, and that new little girl will instantly be such a big part of the family the moment she enters this world. And I think she knows Daxton, personally, and will bring a piece of his love back to this earth to share with you once again.
You have many people praying for you.
You just put into words how I felt about naming my last two boys. I've always felt like my daughter's name is almost sacred, and I don't share it with many people. It's too personal, almost too painful to utter. Only after you lose a child do you understand the fragility associated with the birthing process. It's almost like, as the mom, you have to stay detached to protect yourself from further pain. But once she's here, I hope you are flooded with the relief and joy that I felt when Micah and Hyrum each joined our family.
Good luck, and I'll be praying for you. Let it be everything you need at this time.
Britt--I think you're amazing and can't imagine the mixture of emotions you are feeling right now. I know this delivery will not be easy for you but I know this baby must be extra special to come to your family at this time. I can't wait to meet her and feel her strength and beautiful spirit. I'm praying for you, as always.
hi britt:
i want to take a minute to answer your question from the angel blog. asher was born 19 months after addison, so they were spaced the same as daxton and his baby sister. she was our first and i was SO nervous about how it would be to have another. i hoped they would look alike. i hoped he would remind me of her.
the first and most obvious difference was their size. she was a preemie, 1 lb 14 oz and he was 7 lbs 12 oz. i thought he was a giant but he seemed extremely sturdy compared to her. that was a good thing because we are pretty over-protective as it is. i think losing a small one makes you that way. they have some of the same features and i love it. i loved holding him while he was a newborn, knowing he was so fresh from heaven and that his big sister would always be watching out for him.
like i said on the blog, it was hard in some ways having a new one but overall it was extremely healing. there is a term for a baby born after you have lost a child: a rainbow baby. that is exactly what asher has been to us: something beautiful to follow the storm. it obviously doesn't take away the pain, and it seriously kills me knowing he won't know her in this life, but it has given me another little someone to love. this morning he pointed to her picture and started talking about her and it just melted my heart.
it was nice having a little boy follow her. it made things a little different and took away some of the choices like whether to use the clothes we had bought her and blankets and such. i am really excited to have another girl in a few weeks, but nervous about those things.
i don't know how this will go for you, but i pray it will be a sweet experience and that you might find some measure of healing through your new baby girl. good luck with your delivery.
love,
mindi
p.s. i have wondered what hospital you work at... addison was in the NICU at banner desert.
Well I don't name my kiddos before they come. I mean my name was suppose to be Melissa! can you believe that. maybe I would have gone by missy. I am for sure NOT a missy. Not that there is anything wrong with it, it's just not me. and for some reason it freaks me out to call someone I haven't seen by a name. So I think it's fine. Now my hubbys family like to pester me right up until I call and tell them the name and then they make some comment about wow they didn't think I would even leave the hospital before I decided type stuff. Whatever. to each his own right?
I am number 7 of 9 children and I can promise you that my mom doesn't love me any less than she loves the first ... maybe even loves me more. Love you, Dran.
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