Guess What?

I am going to the cabin.

With my GirlFriends.

No KIDS.

For. A.Weekend. 

Jealous?

Thanks honey. You DA BEST!!!!

Bitter Sweet

It has officially been 3 years since I became a "blogger" and 2 since I actually started blogging regularly (or took it from my husband rather). It took me a long time to catch on. But I am glad I did.

I have made so many new friends (thanks to all of you who have left comments.) I have visited your blogs or at least your profile if you are private. And I thank you for your love and support. There have been moments when the right person left the right comment that kept me going. I have met 'angel moms,' creative and crafty moms, food making moms, and just plain ol good moms. It is VERY exciting. 

I guess I have to owe my blogging to my special little man, Daxton. He will always be there. Whether it be the back of mind or the front. For now he is the first thing I think about when I get up and the last though that goes through my head when it hits the pillow. Good or bad, happy or sad, bitter or sweet.

He is the reason that for the last 2 years I have blogged the good, the bad, and the ugly (pardon the unintelligent cliche). And I am grateful to have him to have inspired me to continue writing the dailies of my life. Someday I will open up the blog book I have downloaded onto my computer.... it just seems a daunting challenge. I am not sure I am strong enough just yet to relive my first year without my chubba wubba.

SO thank you all for reading. Whether it be nonsense or entertaining. 

Maybe you can help me out? Sometimes I don't blog for a period of time because, let's face it, I run out of things to say. I am sorry? Did I just say that out loud? Running out of things to say? For those of you who see me day to day, you may know there is not much truth to that :). 

Well here is my favor: Tell me what you would like to know about me, life, loss, special  needs children, or whatever else. Let's play question and answer! Sound fun? 

Loves, 

Britt

Come One, Come All

Dear Readers, Blog Stalkers, Friends, 

I would like to know who you are!

I look at my followers list and when someone new posts I go to your blog and read YOUR story. 

I know. I don't always comment. And I don't always follow. 

I Will If You Will.

Go ahead. Follow. I dare you. :)

Loves, 

Britt

Yoga

Dear Yoga Powers that Be:

I have been doing your exercises. Twice a week.

My arms are sore. My butt is sore. My abs are sore. 

LOVE IT. 

But I have a beef with you. 

Corpse Pose. (this is where you lie on your back relaxing all muscles of your body in the dark)

Seriously. Why must this be the name? I mean really?

I can't even relax because all I can think about is my sweet little boy, lying in his casket. 

And that isn't very relaxing at all. 

Do you think you could change the name to "Laying down Dog" Or "sleeping baby" Or "fallen down tree" pose? I mean you have downward dog, upward dog, tree pose, mountain pose, triangle pose.....

That would be Awesome. 

Yours Truly,

Brittany

Winter Visitors

Dear Winter Visitor,

I am sorry to say that I won't miss you when you are gone.

Today you turned left in front of me. 

TWICE.

My car is bigger than yours. 

My senses are better than yours. 

Apparently I gauge distance better than you. 

If I hit you, I will win. 

Please don't pull out in front of me. 

It's dangerous.

I know that one day I will be a "winter visitor."

And hopefully I won't be driving.....

Overcast

Today I was holding Isabella. 

And I cried. 

I cried because she is here and Daxton is not. 

I cried because my friend's little girl was Isabella's age when she passed away. 

I cried because my baby was just a baby when he was taken from me. 

I cried for all those mothers who have lost babies. 

I cried because even though I have lost one baby, I still fear losing another.

I cried because Isabella shouldn't be SO spoiled. She should have a brother to share the spoiling with.

It was a lot of tears. 

But I feel better. 

Squeeze those little ones. Even when  they are underfoot and driving you koo koo! 

Actually, especially when they are driving you koo koo. 

You never know......

Baking Beauties

Well I didn't get a pic because.... lets. be. honest. I looked scary! And it is all about me. Well at least it is here :).

Today my Auntie, good friend, and sister spent some quality time together. 

We made 50 meals. 6 different varieties. For 4 families. With 1 set of twins, 1 very needy child, and a very cute little princess. 

We are a bit crazy. Ok  a lot crazy. 

After being bossed around for 4 hours my sister shared this tiddle bit of information, "My husband describes Brittany as bossy, maybe those weren't the exact words (I am sure they were ...) but when she isn't here we just look at each other and say, 'Now what do we do.'" 

Bless his heart. He is right.

I had this brilliant idea a few weeks ago to order this cookbook with freezer meals, like 100 of them, but we only had time for 7. But we only got to 6. 9 hours was enough.

***Chicken Tetrazini
***Sweet and Sour Chicken
***Pizza Rolls
***Beef Empanadas
***Stuffed Green Peppers
***Smothered Pork Chops

At least my family will be eating well :)

Summer (already) FUN

OK how much fun was it to play in the slip and slide when you were a kid?

Was it this much fun?

I do love her.

After our 16 mile bike ride we finished off with an outing to Aunt Drana's for some seriously fun times: Slip and slide, bikes, mud, and mac n cheese.

Weaning

I can't believe it. Isabella is almost 15 months. Where does the time go? Who knows.... But it goes.

I have enjoyed breastfeeding. I love it. Some people don't share this love with me. But who couldn't love it, I mean where else can you get huge ginormous boobs so quickly (for free :)), or flat, deflated, saggy boobs just as quick (surgery NOT required :))?

Yes. I just said boobs. Hello I work in the hospital with babies. Little babies. That breast feed. Yes I said it again. I mean seriously. You are talking about someone who at the dinner table is trying to remember why her brother had surgery (while her other brother is PLEADING to PLEASE not go there) only to recall that it was to have a boil removed... from his BUTT. Don't worry ****. Your secret is safe with me.

I digress. With Savannah, I pumped for 9 months. She wouldn't eat. Or couldn't eat rather. So she was tube fed. For 3 years of her life. And breast milk for 9 months. It was the longest 9 months EVER. I can't believe I lasted that long.

With Mikenna I nursed her for 1 year. Because she would NEVER. TAKE. A. BOTTLE. EVER. It was truly disheartening actually. NEVER a break. You know. You have been there.

With Daxton, he weaned himself at 11.5 months... which was hilarious. He is a boy. He weaned HIMSELF???? HMMM.

With Isabella, I have just not had the heart to wean. Maybe it is because every time I hold her I hold her as if I will never hold her again. Maybe it is because every time I feed her it is if I am feeding her for the last time. Maybe it is because when she snuggles up to me I cherish it like it is the last time. Because I don't know if it is. Or if it isn't.

I wonder if I love on her "more" because I am not able to physically love Daxton. So I love on her for the both of them. Needless to say, she is loved on enough for two. Truly. And she LOVES nursing. She really does. She doesn't bite (although she has a full set of teeth), she doesn't squirm all around, she doesn't play. She just nurses and goes to sleep. And I love it.

BUT. It is time. Time to let go of this stage of my sweet little snuggly baby. Time for me to have my body back.... for now. Time for us to move on. It feels so final. Like she is all growed up. Like she won't need me anymore. Like anyone can take care of her now. It's sad. Kind of heartbreaking that she is growing up. That it is happening so fast. But there is a time and a season. And this is a new time and a new season.

What do YOU love?

I love a clean house: yesterday I had my cleaning lady (yes I have a cleaning lady) come to the house and I ran a million errands and washed 8 loads of laundry. It was awesome. And my house was clean. I Love a Clean House.

I love clean laundry: Ok so I know. Its weird. But I LOVE folding laundry (let me start by saying, there is NO way I am going to come over and fold YOUR laundry... no matter how much you love me). I love sorting it and folding it and putting it away. The 8 loads on my bed unfolded is a masterpiece when I am through. I think it is the whole: matter unorganized... and then matter organized :). AND I love clean laundry because that means I have a husband and 3 little girls here on earth with me.

I love cookie dough and freshly baked cookies (But I love cookie dough more :)): I love making cookies. It is a fun activity to do with my girls. And then get SO excited about it. They get all the ingredients out and then we mix and they put it all away. LOVE. IT. AND I love cookie dough and baked cookies because that means I have a husband and 3 little girls here on earth with me to share it with.

I love my job: I love being at work. I love the babies. I love taking care of them. (Don't get me wrong, I don't love leaving my girls, but I do love after I get to work). How many of you LOVE your job?

I love shopping: Ok really I think I love spending money. It isn't so much the spending of the money as the appreciation that I HAVE it to spend. Makes me so GRATEFUL. There is something rewarding about going to the store, buying stuff, and bringing it home. 8 bags of groceries on the table, LOVE putting them away. AND I love shopping because that means I have a husband and 3 little girls here on earth with me that I have to buy groceries for.

I love having full arms when I cook, clean, shower, take the garbage out, blow dry my hair, go shopping, fold laundry: Know WHY? Because I KNOW that my baby is HERE. Isabella is ALWAYS in my arms. And I LOVE it.

Today I remembered a day 2 years ago: I was standing in the kitchen. I was knee deep in cleaning and cooking dinner and elbow deep in life. The TV was blaring Max and Ruby, the computer was full blast with ELMO, and Daxton was pulling on my leg. I looked at Doug and said, "I NEED a BREAK." What I wouldn't give to go back two years. What I wouldn't give to feel like that again. Don't get me wrong, I get frustrated, but IMAGINE how much MORE frustrated I could be if I had ONE. MORE. BABY.

I love my girls. I love EVERY minute with them. I may get frustrated. I may be impatient. But at the end of the day. I am glad they are mine. And I am glad that they are here.

I loVe my HusBand. He is AWESOME. For those of you who have met him: You know. For those of you who haven't: You are Missing OUT!!! He is hilarious. He is kind. He is thoughtful. He is always willing to take care of the kids, do housework, do yard work, fix my computer, fix your computer, anything. And I love him for it!

What do YOU love?

When I grow up: Part 1

Mikenna came home the other day from school and presented me with a paper. It was entitled, “When I grow up.” Beneath it she had written “When I grow up I want to be a mom and a nurse,” then drew a very cute picture of her as a nurse and a mom. Looking back, I wish that I would have kept it.

For as long as I can remember I have ALWAYS wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be the boss. I wanted to write the orders for others to follow. (I know this comes as a surprise to you all)

Yes all those years of medical school and residency excite me. I have never wanted anything more that to sit through 40 hours of instruction only to study for another 50, then enter residency where I am a slave 80 hours a week to the next doctor who went to medical school and be tortured by the nurses (who are ALWAYS so nice) and the residents before me.

Before we got married, Doug and I talked about it. Talked about me going to medical school and how I would have kids and raise them too. It seems like such a long time ago. I went to school with the intent of pre med. I majored in Chemistry and transferred schools to start my prerequisites for med school. Look out University of Utah. Here I come!

The other day at work I had a little run in with a resident (the 3 to 10 years you spend working 80 hours a week getting hands on) and it was well interesting. It got me all riled up (I know… hard to doJ) and I was a little (ok A LOT) peeved about the whole situation which I won’t share just in case she reads too… and then there is HIPPA…. (you know the pamphlet they give you that you have to sign they gave you and then you promptly throw it away….yes, that is the one).

Made me wish I wasn’t the nurse.

That I was the doctor. Then maybe I would get a little respect. I mean come on. If she (or any other docs) would see me on the street or at the grocery store, I think they would at least smile and say hi…. But NOT at work. That is SO beneath them, or whatever.

I mean seriously… they aren’t any smarter than I am. I did nursing school full time with 2 kids and 9 months pregnant. I could do med school. Piece. Of. Cake. But I haven’t (note the haven’t).

Been talking to the NNP (neonatal nurse practitioner) at work who is going to med school. She is in her 3^rd year and she is MY HERO. She did nursing school, she did her masters, and now she is in med school. But she is old. Not that old. But old. She inspires me. Currently I am on her path…. And I don’t know if I want to be.

Something to ponder.

Clickety Click

I think everyone has a story to tell.

Blogging is an interesting phenomenon. Don't you think?

I was talking with a girlfriend (who is totally AWESOME by the way. Check her out at www.thegirlwhoateeverything.blogspot.com (clickety click :)) who has a food blog. She loves to cook and figured she may as well share the LOVE of FOOD....

She made an interesting comment to me that her food blog was fun and interesting where her family blog... well it was just boring family stuff.... like her life isn't interesting. SO who would want to read her blog? It isn't like she has a story to tell. YA RIGHT!!!! Her life is so cool :) And here is why:

#1 She is a hot blonde

#2 She lives in Florida (um hello doesn't that shout COOL?)

#3 She is married to a NFL Super star :) (my claim to fame. I know a famous person.)

#4 She has the most beautiful 3 boys EVER (besided mine of course)

#5 When she comes to town we secretly meet so her sisters don't find out. Turns out they are kind of protective

#6 She was on a cooking show for her local TV station

SO you see? It is all about perspective. I think that her life is cool. Full of football galas, charities, cooking shows, and daily trips to the beach.

I often wonder why some blogs "catch the bug" or don't.

SO I pose a few questions:

What determines a good read?

What determines you clickety clicking onto the next blog and then coming back for more?

What do you like to read when you blog hop?

What makes you keep reading MY blog, MY story? (just wondering)

Missing Link

I had a friend over today.

She lost her baby almost 4 months ago.

I can't even imagine being back to 4 months out. Hurts just thinking about it.

We were looking at pics of Daxton. She said, "He kinda links the look of all your kids together."

Yes. He does. And he is gone. A missing link. The missing link that ties us all together.

At first as I pondered this I thought how sad he was missing. How sad he will never be apart of our earthly family. Our pictures. Our activites. Our holidays. Our boring moments. Our not so boring moments.

I was sad.

But truth is. He isn't the missing link. He is the LINK that ties us all together. As one eternal family. He is paving the way for us. He is watching over us. He is a part of us. We just can't see him.

Can you believe how much he and Isabella look alike? Aside from their eyes, they could be the same child. Even had Savannah confused.

Let me Count the Ways

Oh I how I love her!!! Let me count the ways! Really? You are going to make me count? Happy to oblige.

#1 She is in her element outside. She likes NOTHING more than to be playing in the dirt, eating sand, and squishy grass between her toes. When she wants to go outside she will run for her jacket, bring it to me, and hold her arm out. Seriously? She is old enough to do that? Yes. Sadly. She is.

#2 Lately we have been riding our bikes. This particular day we rode to the temple because the library was closed and we needed to kill some time. Where better to spend 23 minutes and 30 seconds. Once again, outside. She is such a beauty. The sunlight catches her just so. She tries to catch the sunbeams. Its. Adorable.

#3 Notice the QT cup next to her on the floor... She is a hoot! She love Dr. Pepper. Now don't ask me how I know this :) or tell my husband of our newfound knowledge. (And don't worry MG, its loaded... that means regular.... not diet)

#4 Her favorite place in on the counter. Where she can see me. Please don't call CPS. I am never more than 3.26 inches away.

#5 Her hat. Love. Her. Hat. Love. Her. She is the cutest naked baby. EVER. Ok she is vying for #1... but currently she is the CUTEST.

#6 Interestingly enough, Isabella LOVES to play in the fridge, just like Daxton (and likely just like any other kid her age. Do we ever grow out of it? I love to play in the fridge.... but that is for another day.) She was in the freezer on this particular day (yes I LOVE freshly frozen butter, cheese, strawberries, cookies, bread.....) and she grabbed out something and ran into the other room. I was wondering about her when it was too quiet as Isabella is usually at my heels... and I went to find her. This is what I found. I am trying to figure out how to load the video to You Tube... alas. I am computer RETARDED, although Doug just noticed I know what "ctrl A" is.... (select all) and was impressed I knew how to use it correctly. Wow. I must be REALLY dumb to surprise him with such a vast knowledge of computer shortcuts.

#7 (have I lost count yet?) Eating plastic. Yes I am mother of the year. Notice the close proximity of my camera. I am not too far away. But I am not going to lie. She likes nothing better than to chew on plastic. Especially if it holds sweetart jelly beans, yes those jelly beans we ate today at the park were ABC (already been chewed).

#8 Not only is she outdoorsie, but she is my GIRLY Girl. Seriously I don't know where she gets it. If you know me, you see me all too often with NO makeup and sweats.... (Unfrump my mom has a LOT to work on with me) But she loves her necklaces and baby dolls.

There are of course many other reasons. Mostly the reason she gives me to breathe when I think taking another breath is the most impossible thing to do. I. LOVE. HER.... And I just realized that I didn't even post any of her birthday. Stay tuned.

Cabin FEVER?

NO WAY!!!!

Spring break was a hoot!

We took 10 kids and 3 moms up to the cabin.

It was INSANE!!!!

But SUpEr FUN!

We went on hikes, played in the snow, played in the mud.

Ate lots of Food. And ate some more food.

Played at the park. Swung on the swings.

My friend told me that I was insane. She has decided that I am cool :). Cool enough and laid back enough to take a bunch of kids and moms to the cabin and have an insanely FUN time.

Thanks ya'all for being my friend. (even if it is only because my parents have an AWESOME cabin.... gotta get friends somehow, and what better than BRIBERY!!!)

TiMe

Time is an interesting phenomena. It is relative. It is long. It is short. It is forever. It is one second.

I can't believe Isabella is 14 months.

I can't believe Savannah is 8 and I can't believe Mikenna is 6.

I can't believe I am almost 30!!!!!!

I can't believe how time is passing.

I can't believe my baby has been gone almost two years.

I lose track of time. A LOT.

I don't keep track of the months, days, and weeks Daxton has been gone. Too long, if you ask me. Seems like yesterday he died. Seems like forever ago he died. Sometimes it feels like he is still here.

One of my friends recently lost her baby. A stillborn. I have been through grief. I am going through grief. Sometimes I don't understand it. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I don't.

I should have words to bring comfort to this mother. To this father. But I don't. Right now, words don't help. Only deep, seemingly unending grief. Pray for them. They need it. Like I did. Like I do.

April Fools or No?

Bless all of you who faithfully read my blog!

Thank you to all of you who called, emailed, posted a comment to congratulate me! I sure do appreciate ALL of you.

April Fools is a funny day, don't you think? You can tell a whopping lie or a little lie. But a lie is still a lie.

Reminds me of the time that my brother got hit by a car on April Fools Day 18 years ago. Wow has it been that long? I remember stepping off the bus to my neighbor picking us up when I was in about 5th grade. He told me my brother had been hit by a car. I of course thought it was a great (albeit VERY disturbing) April Fools. So I was not to be tricked.

I got home and saw a number of people who I hadn't seen in quite some time rallying around, bringing us food, making sure we were taken care of. My aunt and uncle who lived on the west side were there. I thought to myself, "Wow, my mom is REALLY going all out on this one." I called her work and she wasn't there. Wow really? My mom is GOOD!!! I still didn't believe that it was April Fools joke until I talked to my dad who was at the hospital with my brother. The same hospital that I work at today..... AWESOME!

Well being hit by a car wasn't awesome. He ended up being ok, although to this day sometimes we wonder :). LOVE Ya!~

So April Fools wasn't full of jokes that day.

Yesterday I had many congratulations, text conversations, not really swinging to one of the other side and being "cryptic" as Amy said. One of my friends even came over and gave me a congratulations hug.... ( I was thinking... for what?) and then another group of friends called and asked, How far along are you? TO which I replied, Just barely. This is an interesting answer for me, because I dont' usually tell until I am about 5 months along.... until people start to wonder if I am just gaining weight or really am pregnant.

Alas I must come clean (sheepishly). I am NOT pregnant. It was APRIL FOOLS!

PS: We are hoping to add one more, just not in 10 months :) so Jen, if you wouldn't mind.... I would LOVE to take those clothes off yer hands.

PPS: Please don't be mad if I white lied to you :) It was after all APRIL FOOLS!!!

Announcement?

We have been pondering lately if we should have another one. Should we wait? Should we just do it now? It will likely be my last. Kinda sad.

I know it will rock Isabella's world. Her whole world is all about her. I mean whose isn't, right?

She is such a sweetie. I just love her. Sometimes I get a pang in my heart knowing that she won't have an older brother on this earth playing with her, running around with her, keeping an eye out for her, riding in the back of the trailer and pulling her hair while I get exercise on my bike.... just kinda stinks.

But what do you do? You keep going. You move on. You take one day at a time..... until

You find out you are expecting YOUR LAST baby!!!!

On to # 5.

love ya!