PS no sugar coating tonight....
Today I got the most beautiful hand and foot molds of my baby. It was quite a site when we were at the mortuary with 3-4 of us holding Daxton's body steady while we captured these last few mementos of him.
I carefully and strategically placed them on the shelf where they would not be bothered and took all the care in the world for them not to get broken. They are in a glass shadow box, the hand and foot mold. Well we were making a big deal about them and mom came over to see them, my sister came over to see them. I proudly showed them to Doug. A tiny oversight was Savannah. She wanted to see them too.
Problem is she got the lid off the shadow box (without breaking it) and then the hand mold fell to the ground and shattered. She immediately started saying sorry sorry sorry.... all I saw were the pieces of my baby's hand mold shattered on the ground. I screamed. Then I yelled at Savannah to get to her room (she is quite lucky that something or someone was holding me back from really losing my temper) and she sorrowfully went onto her bed. I threw an adult size temper tantrum, shutting myself in my room and just screaming and crying into my hands and a sweatshirt to muffle the sobs.
I know they are just things and Savannah I think felt really bad, but it was almost like losing Daxton again. The one piece I had of him was shattered to bits on the floor. My perfect little baby no longer in my arms, broken. The pieces left from the hand mold were scattered all over the floor, just like the pieces of my life right now. I tried to glue the hand mold back together. It certainly doesn't look the same, but it is symbolic of my reality. I am trying to fit myself back into the life that I "used" to have and somehow it just doesn't fit quite right.
And so it is, I have to take the "new" pieced together hand mold and my "new" pieced together reality and form new realities and new memories.
After a long work out at the gym, I am feeling a little better. Nothing like burning some calories and shedding some anger to bring you down from a temper tantrum. It is the best therapy I can come up with. I am grateful my body still allows me to do such activities.
17 comments:
I just wanna say I love you. And thanks for also being the "shoulder" to cry on... I appreciate you :) As our 4 yr old would say, "You ROCK!!!"
Oh Britt. I am so sad that happened. I can understand why you reacted the way you did. You know I'm always here to help pick up some pieces if you need me. Love you!
I'm so sorry this happened. You don't know me... I found your site by accident, and somehow you have my blog listed in your favorites. I have become a faithful reader of your blog the last month or so.
I was quickly reminded of an entry in this blog and thought I should share with you
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/search?q=The+Broken+Pitcher
~Vicki Knopf
I can't imagine how devastated you are about losing that in its perfect form. I would have been just as upset about it. But you have an amazing ability to put the experience in perspective.
I'm so sorry. Poor little Savannah too. We are still praying for your whole family.
Loves.
Brittany--this post broke my heart! I could see where it was going from the start and almost didn't want to keep reading. I'm glad you could piece it back together--but I'm so sorry that happened. Please call if you ever need to talk. I love you.
Britt,
That sucks! How awful that it's broken. Do they still have the mold? Can you get a new one?
I'm so sorry for your loss, and you have every right to have an adult temper tantrum. (although I'm not sure that real grief can every be trivialized like that.)
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Like so many others, I am so sorry that this happened. I can't even imagine how you are feeling. You continue to amaze me by your insight and optimism. I am glad you were able to atleast piece it back together.
Britt- I'm so sorry that happened! I completely understand you throwing a fit. (I've thrown a few myself.) Just try not to be mad at Savannah for too long.
We have hand and foot molds of Jacob, too. I still can't handle looking at them, so they are carefully packed away in the hope chest that contains his things. They gave us a backup set as well that didn't turn out as perfectly, so you might look into it and see if there were some extras made of Daxton's. Hang in there.
Stumbled onto your blog from Angie's and also immediately thought of her "broken pitcher" post.
I truly am so sorry for you loss of such a beautiful boy. Your faith is really an inspiration
Im sorry for your loss once again Brittany. I hope you can get another mold made as some others said here. There will always be things that remind you of Daxton. Hopefully more joyous ones than ones breaking. I had a table full of women praying for you this morning at my Bible study. I hope you feel God's comfort and love and have some peace! All my love, Jaime
Oh OH Oh! Wow. I...don't know what to say. OH..I am so so sorry. This is a tough one.
If it helps, I think you are funny. From the few things I've read (on the angel blog and this) I think we would be bosom buddies.
Oh Britt...I am so sorry this happened.
You don't know me but we are sisters in the gospel. I enjoy reading your thoughts. I am sorry to hear of the broken mold. I would have thrown a tanturm too.
I to have molds of my daughters hand and foot that we keep very dear to our hearts. She died April 8, 2008. She was nine.
I would like to Know more about the angel blog. Please contact me on my blog. You are in my thoughts.
OH! That`s awful! I would have gone ballistic! Ugh. XOXO
you don't know me, and i just stumbled onto your blog tonight.
i haven't experienced the loss you are going through right now, but i just want you to know that it will get better. i don't know how but i KNOW it will.
Oh, so sad. maybe they still have the mold and can make a new one. Maybe you could order a few sets...
Oh no, I'm so sad for you that that happened. I just can't get over your strength though Brittany. You inspire me. You make me want to work harder to appreciate what I have, and make every minute of my life count. There have been many times lately I have gotten upset over something my kids did, thought of your loss, and reacted so much better than I would have otherwise. That's a little embarassing to admit, but it's true. Thank you for that. And I would have thrown an adult temper tantrum too, but somehow you always have a learning experience from even the most sorrowful of experiences. I admire the heck out of you. Hope tomorrow is better for you. You are always in my prayers.
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