I need an I am grateful post. I walk around my house completely lost sometimes without my little Daxton in tow. I go to church and see all the cutest little boys (not so much girls :)) and I just wish I could scoop them in my arms and it would be Daxton. Walking through my house with all the pictures and reminders of him everywhere, sometimes I just want to rip them from my walls and smash them on the floor (I know really adult of me), but it is kind of painful on those hard days. All I see is what I have lost.SO.... I have a new mantra "Someday..... just not now." Someday I will see my little boy again, just not now. Someday I will raise my little boy, just not now. Someday my heart will be whole again, just not now. "Someday.... just not now."
So, today I am grateful for what I have. I am grateful for my girls. I was talking to a friend at church today and said, "You know, I hate the question, 'How are you?' People are generally VERY sincere when they ask this question, I know, I have been on the other side, but what I really want to say is, 'Well, I cried myself to sleep last night and I am here today,' but I just say, 'Fine, and you?'" She told me that I was "strong." I told her it was all pretend. She said no, if you were just pretending you would be in bed right now. Which leads me back to being grateful for my girls. Savannah helps me to get up in the morning. She is always good for a laugh.
Today in Primary, the Primary President was getting a little teary and Savannah pipes in saying, "Why are you crying? Be happy! It's ok." How can you not just smile at her innocence. She is sometimes my breath of fresh air and sometimes my biggest frustration. Mikenna always runs up to me and gives me a big hug and a smile and says Hi Mommy!!!! It just makes my day.
I didn't post this of the lunch with Grandpa. The girls had a ball!!!!I am grateful for Doug. He is my rock. He keeps me on solid ground. He keeps my perspective in check. I love him and am so grateful for him.
4 comments:
Today at church, we talked about Joseph Smith and how many children he lost. I thought of you. We talked about how he had eternal perspective to help get him through those trials. I kept thinking that I although I know I would see my child again someday, it would still be SO hard. I think that the lord knew of your strength and faith and you will be rewarded soon. I know, you don't know me. I just started my own giveaway blog to try and make people happy! You can stop by if you want to!
Britt,
I'm sending tons of love your way.
Thanks for hanging out with us on Friday. It was fun for me, and good to see you. I hope it was a happy distraction for you as well.
"Not Now" is a hard answer. It really, really sucks that Daxton is gone.
Having all of your beautiful pictures and reminders is a two-edged sword, isn't it?
Hugs and kisses-jess
Oh my I just watched daxton's web video. my heart just aches for you. my biggest fear when justin died, is that people will forget him. the bishop told me that it was satan trying to get to me. i think, know matter how our child dies we always have those what if's...... i am sorry i am just going on.
I am still reading your blog. You give me inspiration.
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