Before and After

Before June 9, 2008, I had only known one person who had lost their little boy Jacob. My heart ached for them when I saw pictures of their family with only a snapshot of Jacob in the background. I wept for them and felt overwhelming sorrow for them.

I loved to see Daxton coming down the hall and I put this hat on him and really thought he was a doll.

I never thought that the day would come when I would feel much the same way they do. I never thought I would have to reference the "before" and "after." My life was very much different in the "before" than it is here in the "after." I feel I have become a stronger person. (that which doesn't break you makes you stronger). I know that I have a long way to go before my heart completely heals and actually dread the day I don't have sorrow for my little angel boy. But I would really like to find the joy in the sorrow, because this is too much at times.

Savannah had a sleep study and it showed that she had 9 episodes of sleep apnea per hour. So we decided to get her tonsils out.
This is the morning before we went to the hospital.

I frequent blogs of fellow moms who have lost their little children and one of them I found, the mom stated on her side bar (paraphrasing) that she is not the same person she was "before" the her baby passed away and those who expected her to be the same "after" were not going to find that person any longer. I feel that I have become a different person. Sure I have the same likes and dislikes as I did before but I was talking with my aunt today about SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and how to prevent it (she is pregnant with twins and of course we all worry something will happen to our babies). I told her that we really can't prevent God's will. At the same time, I wouldn't encourage wrapping your baby in a million blankets and putting them on a pillow while they sleep just to try out this theory, but we can keep our children as safe as we know how, but inevitable it is in God's hands. We need to align our will with God's.

Daxton loved the iPod. He loved to watch the "ducky" movie and the "Three Little Pigs"

I believe I have mostly done this throughout my life. I am an "acceptor" of the gospel to an extent. There isn't much I question, because I KNOW it to be true. I just know. I have from the time I was VERY young known that the gospel is true, so why question every single doctrine and principle taught by the leaders of our church? On the same note, I believe our knowledge will deepen as we study each of those doctrines and principles taught. I have just never really questioned them.

For family home evening, the girls and Doug planted a garden. The girls would take turns pushing a very unhappy Daxton in his cute pink stroller around the yard while the other one helped to plant the garden with Daddy. This is the corn about a month after :).

Lately, I have hoped and prayed that the Plan of Salvation is true and I have also prayed that the time I see my baby Daxton will come soon. I have gained a sure understanding of the Doctrine of the plan of salvation and have pondered and studied the ways in which I might be worthy to one day return to my Father in Heaven and raise my son.

Inside the "hurricane" (how appropriates) we all survived!!!
Lauren, Stephanie, Annie, Mikenna, Brittany

The Girls dressed up Lauren, Annie, Mikenna

Savannah dressed up like a firefighter
(notice the 5 missing teeth!!!)

I have gained a deeper knowledge of the "Plan" and have really been trying to better myself in all aspects of my life. Some days are better than others. Some days it is easier and some days it is harder to do what is expected of me, but as I do them to the best of my ability I feel that the atonement will make up for my shortcomings.

Mikenna has been taking ballet from Erica Sohlberg and
has enjoyed every minute of is. This is at her recital.
She is ok when everyone is doing the same thing,
but if she has to do it alone? Yeah right!!!!

Mikenna graduated from preschool... Is that right?
No not really. Here she is with all her friends
at her preschool graduation party.

I wanted to post some pictures and memories of the kids....PS they are soooo not in order :)