What is an appendage you ask? Well it is a limb, an arm or a leg.
When a limb is lost, a person often experiences phantom pain. To be more specific, I will use an example. A patient loses their arm from the elbow down and experiences pain in their fingers from that same arm. This is obviously not so, but the pain is very real, even though the limb is no longer there. Sometimes medication is used to relieve this pain and sometimes it is not.
Another example is referred pain. I experience this when I have Cesarean sections with my babies. Pain from my abdomen is "referred" to my shoulders where I feel the actual pain. It doesn't make sense.... the pain is in my shoulders NOT my abdomen, but diagnostically that is just how it is.
This leads me to the thoughts that I have now about Daxton. I know he is gone, just like the person who has lost a limb. Without knowing, this is how I explain my loss to other people. It is like I have lost my arm or my leg. I just have to keep telling my brain it is gone. Sometimes it listens and sometimes it don't :). For the most part everyday life has taken on a new routine, but every once in awhile like 2 or 3 times a day, I will have the thought.... I need to get Daxton in bed or I need to get Daxton something to eat or Daxton needs a bath tonight.
My brain knows that my reality has changed. However, my heart keeps thinking that he is somehow around. It is hard to explain. It is also hard to get used to. I only had him for one short year and 9 days, but he was my everything. I did everything with him in my arms or with him in tow. There was rarely a moment when we were separated that he wasn't sleeping and even then.... So as my reality changes and I realize that I have "lost a limb," I have to keep reminding my brain that I no longer have my Daxton here on earth.
As I have said before, I know that I will see him again. I know that I will raise him someday and he will have all my love and attention all to himself. I look forward to that day, and I am one day closer to day than I was yesterday.
10 comments:
I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now. You don't know me, and I have been hesitant to comment because I'd rather be a silent reader. But, I felt I should tell you how much your loss has affected me. I have a little boy, born only 4 days after Daxton, June 4, 2007. They are the same age, and I can only imagine the pain you have felt in your loss. My baby is my everything, as Daxton was yours. I just want you to know how your words have not only inspired me to treasure every moment with my son and be a better mom every day, but also has made me more aware of dangers I never knew existed. I never knew the danger of blind cords, and never knew so many children have died because of them, until I read your blog and started to research. Because of you, I have taken extra precautions to make my home more safe, if for nothing more than the peace of mind. I know that you have said that you believe it was Daxton's time to leave this earth, and I agree with you completely. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I know that it is helping a lot of different people, in a lot of different ways - whether by sharing the gospel with those who haven't heard it, or strengthening testimonies of those who have, or just making the mom's out there strive to be better for their kids and not to take anything for granted. I can only pray for the kind of faith and strength that you have shown in your trial. You are a hero in so many ways, and so is Daxton.
I am a friend of Stephanie Waites. I check on your blog everyonce in awhile since I read about you on hers just to see how you are doing. I have not yet been able to have any children of my own and so never comment because I don't feel like I have many things that I could say that would be comforting. My trials are very different from all of yours who have found each other through your common loss of losing a child (and I am amazed at how many there have been.) I wish I knew better how to express what I feel for each of you, but I just want you to know that I pray for you all that you will be comforted and that your worlds will start to make sense again and that you will be able to find whatever comfort and strength you need through the atonement.
Brittany- Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your family...hope the girls are doing great in school and hope to see you again soon...
Melissa
Brittany,
You don't know me and I can't even remember how I found your blog - and like the previous comment , I have also been reading it for a couple of weeks now. Your blog inspires me and helps me strive to be a better person and mother. I want you to know that because of your beautiful words and your experience you have inspired me to hug and kiss my little ones a little more each day, to be a little more patient with them and to enjoy every single moment that I have with them. Thank you for your beautiful words and for sharing your feelings with us.
Brittany- you are awesome!!! My heart aches for you and I pray everyday for your sweet family!!! We are so blessed to know where we go after this life. How are your girls doing?
I like a few others have been reading your blog for a while and just never knew what to say. I have four kids, my youngest just 5 days older than Daxton, and reading yours and Stephanie's blogs continue to remind me to be a more patient mother and never to take for granted the moments I have with my children. Thank you for all that you write. You are in my prayers often, may you find comfort through out this storm.
I just found your blog on Stephanie Waites. I am so sorry to hear about your sweet little boy. He was only a few weeks younger than my son. I noticed your last name and I guess some how we are related. My mother is a Kunz. It isn't everyday that you find someone with it spelled that way. She grew up in Bern Idaho. May you be blessed with comfort.
Betsie
The way you've explained the 'phantom pain' makes total sense. My heart just breaks for you. What a joy to look forward to though--it will be an awesome reunion someday. I'm glad you've been able to connect with other parents who have sadly experienced this same type of loss. No one really knows what you're going through unless they've experienced it themselves. I pray that you will continue to have the peace and comforts of the Spirit. I will continue to pray for your family.
Brittany,
I just want to thank you for all the inspiration you give all us "silent readers." I, too, am a friend of a friend, but have found much peace, love and understanding in reading your posts. You were the inspiration behind a talk I gave in church today. The spirit was felt very strong and I know all those in attendance benefited greatly from many of the words I used from your wisdom. May you continue to blessed with an undeviating trust and reliance on the Lord. You have led me to rely on Him with unwavering faith and I thank you for that. All our love.
I can't relate in any real sense because I imagine loosing a child is the worst kind of pain. But I did just loose an aunt who I was very close to. I always want to call her and tell her about my day. I've gone as far as picking up the phone and then remembered she is not on the other end. It stinks.
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