Today for our ward, was Lesson 14, "Words of hope and consolation at the time of death." In it there is a section for the death of little children. I have exhausted the quotes from this lesson, but bear with me as I make a point.
With the lesson being as such and my friend teaching the lesson, I saw the look on her face as I walked into the room. She went almost sheet white. I felt so bad for her so...I bailed (This was not the only reason why as you might be able to imagine). I was a coward, a mother who couldn't sit through another "talk" or "lesson" on death. I just couldn't do it. I scurried to the sanctuary of the Primary where kids fidget, have thumb wars....and sing and learn about Jesus. It is peaceful there and I feel the presence of my angel by my side.
I didn't let Doug in on my secret.... I should have. The lesson in Priesthood was taught by another dear friend who did a very good job under the circumstances given him. During the lesson, another friend posed the question of, is it God's will or Accident when death occurs?
I continue to battle with myself over this. One night I was searching on the internet for other mothers who had similar situations to me. I found some. I was horror stricken at the number of women who had lost children similar to the way Daxton had left us. I prayed for them and cried for them. Many of them don't have the Gospel. My first instinct was to become an advocate for window blind safety (I still think this is a good idea), but I struggled with the KNOWLEDGE that it was Daxton's time to go and if it hadn't been this way, it would have been another.
Yes, Daxton's death was an accident, as well as a tragedy, but I KNOW it was God's will. I know that when a child is taken from this earth, no matter how tragic, unfair, or unfathomable it is, that is MUST be God's will. How could I pick myself up off the floor and carry on if it wasn't God's will? How could I have the faith to carry on just ONE more day, let alone 1000 days? I couldn't. I would just stay there and cry in the pillows all the day long.
There were too many pieces, too many instruments, and too many "signs" for me to deny that Daxton returning to our Father in Heaven was God's will. His death was God's will. I know this and I know that God knows this. Each night when I pray my children will be protected when they are not in my sight, I know God is listening. I know He wants to protect my children, I know He is listening to my prayers, they are not going unnoticed. I also know that in order for my prayers to "mean" anything, I have to conclude with "Thy will be done." It is the only way it works. If my will is aligned with God's will, then yes my prayers are answered when I pray that my little ones will be safe.
In answer to the burning question, Accident or God's will? I would have to conclude with it is God's will.
Side note: In response to some emails.... for those of you who want to use "quotes" from my blog, that is great. No problem. If you want to put my blog on your side bar, no problem.
loves to all
10 comments:
I can not imagine the loss that you have experinced I do want you to know that your example is helping other people to find the gospel and to be better parents, your family is in our prayers.
We had this lesson last week, and not being on top of things, I was blind-sided by the topic! It was a wonderful lesson, though, even though I bawled all the way through it. In spite of the emotions I could not keep under control, it was very reassuring. Matt did go over to her house (he home teaches her family) and reassured her that I was okay. She said she felt bad all the way through the lesson because I was crying, and he said that it just meant she was doing a very good job and the Spirit was there. I felt really bad that I made her feel that way! I don't blame you one bit for not making it through. I know these lessons will happen a few times a year for the rest of my life, and maybe one of these times I'll keep myself under control. I wish I could be there to hug you right now.
Brittany,
I don't know you, but am soon to post on the angel children blog. I too lost my little boy, Cameron. Yesterday marked the 2nd anniversary of his passing. As I sat down in RS today the opening song was "Come Come Ye Saints". This is the song that we sung at his funeral. Anyway needless to say a difficult time and a difficult lesson. I am so sorry for your loss and just wanted to share something that my Uncle said to me days after Cameron's funeral--as I too struggled with this same thing.
Accidents happen and it was an accident, but nobody gets into the celestial kingdom by accident.
These accidents took our children but it was no accident that THESE specific children are now in the celestial kingdom.
I hope this might bring some measure of peace as it is something I still repeat to myself when the doubts and what if's come...
love,
Cassi
Thanks for your strong testimony. I really appreciate it! I don't believe in accidents. I don't believe in an all-powerful God that wouldn't save a child, and a heart-broken mother, if he didn't have greater things in store for them and their families. Things happen because Heavenly Father knows the whole plan. He is all powerful. There is no accident that he can not undo or even prevent.
I can't help thinking of the story of the blind beggar. John 9:1-3
"1) And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.
2) And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
3) Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him."
It is God's plan. It's His works. Not ours.
I love you Britt, and I am so glad you have the gospel, and you love it!
I hope you have a good day tomorrow.
Love-
Summer
You don't know who I am, and I don't know who you are. I came across your blog through Doug & Adriana's blog. I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you. I don't normally cry easily but as I looked and read through your blog, the tears would not stop flowing. I just want to tell you I admire your strength & your courage. Most people become angry & blame God, but you have done just the opposite. I don't think I could be as strong as you have been. I hope you don't mind me leaving a comment I just wanted you to know I admire you and my prayers are with you.-Sincerely, Jesica Huffaker
Brit... i see you several times a week but think about you 5 times as much. I am one of those who may not be sure what to say all the time. I just wanted you to know that I love you and am always thinking of you. Please, please, please let me know when I can help. love ya!
You are amazing, and i love you
Brittany,
Every time I see you my heart just aches. I am so touched and inspired by your testimony. You are an amazing woman and mother. Our thoughts and prayers are always with you and your family.
Wow, Brittany. You are amazing. The Spirit definately shines through in all that you write. "Luvs to you".
Every time I check your blog I am completely amazed at how you are able to put into words how you are feeling. I so appreciate that you are willing to share your thoughts and feelings with all of us. I am grateful for your amazing testimony and the faith that you have in the Savior and Heavenly Father. Your thoughts and words help to strengthen my testimony and I just want to thank you for sharing. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
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