My kids are snugglers. I LOVE IT.... unless they are in my bed because they are also WILD sleepers.
Last night at around midnight, when I was getting ready to go to bed, Savannah comes totting in with a huge smile on her face, climbs up on MY pillow, grabs Doug's hand to snuggle and closes her eyes. YA. NO!!! She thinks that she is SO funny.
Then Isabella wakes up at 330 to eat. I am happy to oblige (I burn FREE calories :) this way). Just when I think she is asleep, I put her into her bed. TO this she STRONGLY disagrees and proceeds to scream and cry. I know. Shocking! She is too sweet to scream and cry. But that she DOES!! So I pick her up and immediately she cradles into my arms and well, frankly, it melts my heart. I then proceed to cuddle her in my bed. I know. I am a sucker for a good snuggle.
Mikenna loves for me to "lay" by her. I used to crawl up into her bed, but I told her I would break it so now I just lay to the side of her and hold her hand. This works out good for all of us. No need for the added exercise :).
I miss the days when I used to snuggle with little buddy. There were many a nights that I would sing to him while nursing him. He fit just perfectly in my arms with his chubby hands playing with my hair, getting his fingers caught. His little toesies sticking out and kicking my sides. I remember that even when I had had enough and put him in his bed I would put my hands through the bars and lay by him on the bed. I couldn't bare to leave the room with him still crying. And so we fell asleep together that way.
Now all I have are those memories. Now when I lay by him it is on the cold (or hot rather) grass on a dirty blanket with bugs crawling all over it. I miss him. It hurts. A lot.
Sometimes I can' t believe he died. Did it really happen? Is this really my reality? Did I really lose a child? This must be someone else's life, RIGHT? Wrong. It is mine. Isabella will never meet her older brother in this life. He will always be this abstract person in her mind. Sure. I can do what I can to keep his memory alive, but what kind of memories for her are going to the cemetery going to be......
Someday...... just not today.
(wow that turned out really depressing)
3 comments:
I Loved it!!! You are so great with your words. I have only one son and 3 daughters- they are different, but all a blessing. what a blessing it is to know that you GET to still be him mommmy- it's just going to take some time. I wish it was tomorrow- oh how I wish the day was tomorrow. I am not in your shoes but I pray for you and my heart goes out to you for so many reason. You are one strong woman with a head on straight. you are in our thoughts and prayers always!!! Hang in there!! XOXOXO
A little bit! But it was also uplifting and heartfelt, so who cares, we take the good with the bad that's kinda how life is. I miss you my sweet friend, a few minutes where just enough to want MORE! cuddle with those sweet little girlies, give them a few for me, that will be the good in our life, and i'll shed a few tears for your sweet chubba whubba, and that will be the bad.I LOVE YOU! Know it!!!
So glad you said hi on the old blog! Oh my darlingness to your little doll Isabella! She is beautiful just like her momma :) And everytime I see a picture of your Mikanna I can't believe how much she takes after you, how fun! (I say this because none of my kids really resemble me) I was just reading through some of your older posts & I am in your same situation with school and my Ella. They actually registered her for 1st grade after pre-k & I got all weirded out at the idea of her graduating earlier than normal & moved her back to Kinder...She is bored & repeating everything she did last year but I'm feeling ok with it. Stressful decision though! HOpe your feeling ok about whatever you decided :) I am so impressed with your strength through all your incredibly challenging trials. Do you get tired of hearing that? you shouldn't. All four of your babies are so lucky to have you as their mom. Take care!
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