Last Sunday was fast and testimony meeting in our sacrament meeting. Many people got up and bore their testimonies of being grateful for their trials, the power of prayer and healing, and fasting etc....
I sat there and thought about being grateful for my trials. NOPE!!! I am not. I can't yet say that I am thankful that I was in a car accident or that Daxton died and I am not grateful that my sweet little Savannah will forever struggle in her life. I am just not. However, I am grateful for Daxton. Maybe if I wasn't "willing" to have lost him, maybe I never would have had him. So if I look at it that way..... maybe I can be more grateful that at least I had him, even if but for a short time. And Savannah. If it meant I would never have had her without her struggles, then I am grateful at least I get to have her. I am not sure that makes sense.
ON to the fasting, prayer, and faith building experiences. I was talking with my running partner (yes peeps, I am running again, and a big shout out to my EVER PATIENT partner) this morning about Faith. The thought occurred to me the other day "Why do some babies get sick and die, and other babies get sick and get better?" Is it because the mothers of those babies who get sick and better have MORE faith than those who don't? ABSOLUTELY not!!! But this is really hard for me to wrap my brain around.... Why does God call some home and keep others here and how does HE decide? Again, I don't know. But it is on my list of questions :).
SO a very tearful woman stood up to bear her testimony about the fasting and prayers that were offered on behalf of her daughter that was very sick in the hospital and was now running around all over the place. I was grateful her story had a happy ending, but just over a month now, one of my friends lost her heart baby after a 6 month battle of faith and prayer and fasting. SO why did her baby have to die? Again. I don't know.
BUT something I realized after Daxton died was that I could lose all my Faith in God if I turned bitter and lost all faith. I prayed every night that my children would be safe while I was gone. Does this mean God doesn't answer prayers or that He loves me less? NO. I don't believe so.
In 2007, Elder Scott gave a talk about the power of prayer. That God answers our prayers according to His will and His plan for us. This is a tough pill for me to swallow. SO I made up a way that it was easier to wrap my brain around.
Think of a large umbrella with lots of people standing underneath it. The umbrella is God's will and plan for us. This umbrella represents OUR FAITH THAT GOD KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR US. All the people represent FAITH FROM THEIR OWN TRIALS. All the people are all those (including us) that have the faith building experiences whether fair to us in our mortal minds or not. Such as those who lose children, those who don't, those who lose their jobs, those who don't, those who divorce, those who don't etc.... We ask why others don't have the same losses as us or why we have to go through some experiences and other don't.
Sometimes the only way I can make it through a meeting such as this to use the umbrella of faith. That I have FAITH THAT GODS KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR ME. I actually tried to explain this to Doug and he said oh ya, like God's will be done and not my will be done? OK yes. But I like the way it works in my brain better because I don't really like the above description.... for now. :)
Maybe I have totally lost you maybe not. But I just had to put those thoughts on to paper before they left :)
6 comments:
I'm with you on this one Britt. I have often heard people say they wouldn't change the sad things that happen to them because they're grateful for the trial. I always sit there thinking, "Are you crazy?". Of course I would go back and change what happened to me. But I think maybe it's just a matter of choosing the wrong words. I think it comes down to being grateful for what the Lord has taught/given us during our times of trial rather than gratitude for the actual trial. I don't think there's any way I could have learned the things I learned without a gut-wrenching trial and I'm grateful for the things I learned. But do I wish there had been another way for me to learn those things? Absolutely! And would I trade if I could? Absolutely! Maybe none of what I'm saying makes sense but I completely understand your sentiment in this post.
I love your umbrella analogy. I spent many many hours in the NICU wondering why some babies make it and some don't.
I hate it when people say that their faith is why they avoided a trial (the other day in church someone said that because of their faith, their house sold without listing it) does that mean I don't have faith because my house hasn't sold?
((((((Acknowledgment here that a house selling pales in comparison to sick and dying babies...))))))
My point just is, I wanted to say, no your house sold because that isn't your trial right now. This week. Today.
I like that way you put it better than Doug, too :). It makes me feel less... victimish.
Sometimes when I feel extremely picked on and like I can't make it any further, I think about it this way . . .
Heavenly Father only gives us the trials that we can handle. Does that make it fair? No. But somehow, and maybe this sounds weird, He knows our spirits are different and need different things. Then I try to not feel superior that my trials are harder or my kids are harder or my life is harder. Because my spirit must be strong.
Is that weird?
I appreciate your comments on faith. I have experienced trials on a very different level than you, but difficult trials nonetheless. You put into words the way I have always felt about trials very well. I would never go back in time and wish for those trials to plague me or my family again. I would change things. I can acknowledge that I am a strong, faithful obedient woman, but would I be that way without the trials? Maybe - I don't know. It's not for me to know - God knows. He knows what I need. I know what I want, but not necessarily what I need. It's my job to trust the Lord and increase in faith and strength rather than bitterness. The whole, "Thy will be done..." is hard for me too. Somehow when I live life thinking that I become so discouraged. It's the whole, why do bad things happen to good people thing. It is God's will? I really don't think so. I do like your analogy of the umbrella.
I so needed your comments on Faith today, more than you will ever know. He does give us trials (some MUCH bigger than others) and I know we are to learn from them. They are to make us stronger.
Like you, I'm waiting for me to be able to say "I'm grateful" for all these trials. Then again, isn't this whole healing part of the trial itself?
Praying for you,
Jackie
I hate fast & testimony meeting now, for the reasons you outlined! I've taken to just rolling my eyes. :P Oh well...it is what it is.
~Bethany
Angel Gavin's mom
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