Prayers answered and Unanswered

Sometimes prayers aren't always answered in the manner we want them... obviously. It is all in the Lord's time, which is hard for us because we don't really know what that is. When Savannah was born and she was so small and wasn't eating, we prayed every day that she would grow and eat and be healthy. There was a ward fast for her as well where we prayed that she would learn to eat. It wasn't until 3 years later that that prayer was answered. (now be careful what you wish for here, because now I can't get her to stop eating). However, point is that our prayer was answered, maybe not like we thought it should or in the time frame we would have hoped, but it was answered nonetheless.

My prayers are pretty simple as of late. I pray that I will be able to get out of bed, that I will be able to take care of my kids, that I will be able to complete the tasks that I am expected daily. I pray that I will have a good attitude, that I will find peace, that Daxton will be safe, that he will know how much I love him. I continually pray that my girls will be safe. Which leads me to something..... I pray all the time that my kids will be safe... what exactly does that mean? I prayed that Daxton and the girls would be safe when I went to Havasupai. I prayed that all would be well. I prayed like mad each night I was gone that I would return and all would be well. However, in my heart, I knew that it wasn't to be. I didn't really know what would happen. I didn't know the depth or heartache or tragedy that was upon us or to be given to us, but I knew that this time this prayer wouldn't be answered in the way I wanted. (that being said, I knew I had to go. I struggle daily with this) Does that mean that God didn't keep my children safe? Depends on how you look at it. Where is he "better off" so to speak? Where is he truly safer? Honestly? With me, but in reality, with Father in Heaven. So did he keep my kids safe? My reasoning says yes (of course my heart says another).

Some people shy away from prayer when they are having problems, they think that God isn't listening or they are mad at him or something. Honestly? I haven't really felt like that, at all. The first thing I did was pray, it was the only thing I knew how to do right at that moment. I didn't think of anything else that would help. I couldn't of course pray that Daxton would magically come back alive, but I prayed for peace. I prayed that I wouldn't become bitter. I prayed for understanding. I prayed that the "what ifs" and "why mes" would go away. I prayed that all those this had effected would be comforted. I prayed that I would be comforted. I still pray for these things, depending on the day and the triggers.

One particular day I was thinking to myself, 'surely I am not the only person in this whole world who has lost a child.' I actually prayed that I would find those people, that I would be able to relate to them and talk to them and find some comraderie (not really the word i am looking for but it is almost 1am) Not a week later did I find Stephanie, a mom who lost her baby 6 days after Daxton passed away. We emailed, talked on the phone, and then finally met. This may sound terrible, but I slept better that night knowing I was not the only mother that was grieving at that time. Since then I have met countless moms who have lost children. My prayer was answered.

I still long for the peace that will settle in. The understanding that I hope will come. There really isn't anybody who truly "knows" how I feel but Father in Heaven, there really isn't anybody I can pour my heart out to who will really understand the hurt, anger, and grief I feel except for Him. He is the one I cry to the one I draw strength from. Without prayer, I would lose my biggest supporter and then where would I be? who knows.