Four months out.... ish

So I am about 4 months or so out from losing my precious Daxton. Here are pieces of a post I wrote a few days ago on the "angel blog."

I walk through my house looking at the pictures of my family "before." I know it is still my family a family I will have eternally, but not the same that is still here on earth. The ones that brought me comfort and peace now only bring me heartache of what is not here with me. It is the cold hard picture frame that I caress, not the warm, chubby hands and feet. It is the cold green blanket that I hold, not the warmth of my baby's body. It is the kisses that I dream about, not the wet, slobbery ones I used to get from those luscious lips.

Today is another good day on a slew of good days. Here is how I am this far out.

I still have bad days, but they aren't as intense as they used to be. There isn't so much physical pain as there used to be, the emotional pain isn't as intense. I still think about Daxton every second of every day, but the thoughts of "forgetting him" or needing to take care of him have gone. For example, when I hear a baby cry, I don't usually think it is him, although sometimes I feel the urge to check on him, but it is not as frequent as it used to be.

Some of the "depression" has lifted. If I get a balance of physical, mental, and emotional activity, I can typically make it through the day or week without too much trouble. It is mostly about balance here. I need balance. I feel the need to stay busy, to keep my mind active, to have "projects" which I otherwise would never have time for and be perfectly ok with it. (for instance the 7 blankets I have crocheted or the scrubs I am making for Halloween, but that is for another post).

What can you do for someone who is 4 months out (or me :))?

I still like to talk about Daxton. I hope that I always will. I talk openly about it with the girls and answer all their questions. When we go to the cemetery we ask "What do you remember about Daxton" and we go through each family member. Sometimes the answers are the same and sometimes they are different. You don't necessarily need to ask about him, if I feel comfortable or it comes up, I will mention it. Hopefully that doesn't make one feel uncomfortable when I talk about him.

I like hugs. No pity looks please. Seen enough for a lifetime :), looks of love are always nice and kind and genuine thoughts are much appreciated.

Understand that I do think about Daxton all the time. The gaping hole is starting to heal, but it will never be fully healed. Just because there is a smile on the outside, there is not always a smile on the inside.

I am excited to have another baby. I think it will be "fun." I hope that all works out and it will be bittersweet. I am starting to accept that it is a girl and am almost ok with it. Mikenna made a comment the other day about if it was a boy and it was Daxton who came back.... and I realized that maybe Heavenly Father knows what He is doing by sending me a girl. The other boy will have to wait :).