Today we went to the cemetery and took the girls. We each went around and said what we missed about Daxton and liked to do with him when he was alive.
Savannah said she liked to change his diaper, get his clothes, change his clothes, get his pajama bottoms, making him a bottle, and then finishes with "that's all, what you say daddy?"
Doug then says that he liked to take him outside to the garden and play with the wind chimes. Mikenna pipes up and says, "me too, mommy, I liked to do those things with him too." She also said she liked to watch a movie with him and help him and change his diaper and go on walks with him in his pink stroller.
Savannah then turns to me and says, "what you say mommy?" I couldn't really say anything, not that I don't have things I miss, but the only one right then as I was holding Mikenna was that I just missed holding him and snuggling him and smelling him.
Now I would say I miss him at my feet. I miss being tied down at home because he was taking a nap. I miss having smelly diapers fill the house. I miss that I had to follow him around all day. I miss his cries, I miss his whines. I miss his toys all over the floor or him getting stuck in the refrigerator. I miss him dumping out the plastic silverware in the pantry. I miss all the annoying parts. I miss all the happy parts. I miss worrying about him. I miss his chubby feet and hands, his slobbery kisses, and just the way he felt in my arms. Today I just miss him.
4 comments:
I know how you feel. I'm sorry that your heart is hurting. I hope you're finding some joy in these memories, as well as sorrow for the loss of your son.
I read your blog and think...is she reading my mind??!! I think your very same thoughts. I'm sending lots and lots of love to you.
I check and read your blog every day, but I don't always comment. It is so hard to know what to say, but right now I am a little overwhelmed at the many people who have lost loved ones lately. It seems that Heavenly Father is calling a lot of his children back home. My heart continues to ache for you, and Doug and the girls, and you guys are continually in our prayers. Brittany, you have taught me so much through your blog and I thank you for sharing with us, and I KNOW that you are a great strength to the many other mothers and fathers that have experienced the same loss as you have. You make me want to try harder and be better, and I thank you for that.
I said a prayer for you. I hope you feel it.
Loves.
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