What to do?

I was inspired by a similar post of a friend who lost her baby a week after Daxton to write about how to help a friend or loved one who have suffered a loss. I have often thought of this. I still don't really know what helps. I know all the things that don't. There is nothing right to say, everything is wrong, at least that was how I felt. I have been on the other side, I have done and said all the wrong things. Having been on this side has given me more of an outlook and insight to true grieving. Hopefully I can gather my thoughts enough to put them on to "paper."

I recently came across a book called "Tear Soup" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Dekylen. This is the main source of my thoughts tonight.

Things to do to "help"

Be there for your friend or family member, even when you don't understand: I would never expect you to understand. I would hope and pray that you never knew the loss that we have felt so dear. Just being there is all. I had a friend come over, giving up her job, and her birthday, dropping everything (like so many of you did) and she said what can I do. She brought paint brushes to paint, she brought mounds of stuff to decorate Daxton's room, and she stayed, even on her birthday. So many of you gave up what you were doing, gave up your kids, and your time to be with me at the moments when I needed you most. Family traveled thousands of miles and friends too. With each person that walked into the viewing or funeral, I would nudge Doug and say, "Look babe, look at who is here." The love and support was more than I could ever have imagined.

Another of my friends would just listen, we laid on Daxton's bed and just cried together, another gave me a months worth of hugs each time she came over, every day, just for a hug. Another texts me daily just to check in, and that is just the surface. I would take up the entire world wide web if I continued to list them.

Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying: It is nice to laugh. I don't always want to cry, I don't always want to talk. It is nice to just have someone there for what I need. Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks for awhile. It helps to know that someone still cares.

Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. If they don't want to talk they won't answer the phone. Leave a message. Let your friend know you care. Answering machines and email are a great way to keep in touch. Avoid offering easy answers. Be patient, don't try to rush your friend through their loss.

Don't make the loss the elephant in the room, acknowledge it. I was so grateful when we went out to dinner with a couple we hadn't seen for 6 years and they brought up Daxton. It was a small act of kindness on their part to acknowlede the loss. Give your friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the subject and don't be uncomfortable when they do cry. Go ahead and ask them questions about their loss, if they seem like talking about it.

Invite your friend to activities you are participating in. Let them decide if they want to go or not. They will tell you, or sometimes in my case avoid you :), but let it be their decision.

Last of all, don't assume that because your friend is having a "good" day that they actually are. They think about the loss all day and all night, it never leaves their mind. It takes all they can do mentally and physically to hold themselves together to have a "good" day. They aren't over their loss. It will remain with them for the rest of their lives.

I appreciate all the cards, hugs, time, traveling, hard work, phone calls, emails, texts, packages.... EVERYTHING!! Not one thing, big or small, has gone unnoticed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

loves