So the last few days have been a blur. Sometimes I think that if I just ripped my heart out it would hurt less. I think, how is this fair? How can I really be one kid short? I still wake up in the morning hoping that it is all a bad dream. It is not.
I was talking with a friend the other night and said, "Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed, it would just be easier to stay there." To which she replied, "Is that better? Does it work?" I thought about it, "No, not really. I wouldn't get anything done and I am sure that by the end of the day I wouldn't feel any better about myself." So we concluded that we still need to get up and get showered to help us get through the day. Lying in bed all day, despite how good it might sound, is worse than actually getting out of bed and facing reality.
Hopefully the fog will let up soon and I won't have to drag myself to the gym. It makes me feel good, but is really embarrassing at the end of a workout when I have tears streaming down my face.
Heres to a better day tomorrow
8 comments:
I wish I could have talked to you more yesterday without all my family buzzing around. I saw you were having a hard day but I didn't want to pry too much. You are allowed to be human. You are allowed to have bad days. You are a good person and good friend. Know that.
You don't know me--I found your blog through reading Camille's mom's blog. I can so relate to how you feel. My little Benjamin died last November, having been born still at 38 weeks. I know you can't compare griefs, but when I read this post, I felt like I should comment, because I have also had days where I sorely wanted to stay in bed and cry all day. I even begged my therapist to 'recommend' that so I could justify it. (I have three living sons, who need me, and am serving as Primary President.) I am glad I did not succumb to doing that, but I do wish that I had insisted on taking time to myself each day. Time to cry and (scream) and pray and write letters to Benjamin. Then to wipe away tears and try to continue. It is so hard. I never dreamed how hard it would be. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I love how you share your real feelings on this blog. Thank you.
My heart so hurts for you. You do not deserve this, and I think it is totally understandable that facing each day is difficult. I admire you for your strength and courage to continue on through the pain. I can't imagine how hard it is to face each day with one less child. I am a total worry wart, so I imagine bad stuff happening to my family sometimes and how to prevent it or how to handle it if something does happen. I bring myself to tears just thinking of the possibilities. I know that is less than 1/100,000,000th of the pain you must feel each day. I really don't know what to say, other than I am so sorry, and hang in there. You are an amazing person--that I can tell.
I stumbled across your blog and have really been inspired by you! I know that what you are going through is so much harder than any of my little problem's in life but I really do relate to not wanting to get out of bed! I am bipolar and some days the depression sets in so hard that it is near impossible to get out of bed! I do agree with you though because when my husband gets home from work and I am in the same place he left me that morning that only makes me feel worse! You are an amazing women! I read your story about your sweet little boy and my heart just cries for you. I was telling my friend about your blog yesterday and found myself tearing up just talking about it! Thank You for making your blog public and sharing your story with all of us. I have found that the times I struggle the most and need to pray are the times I just can't bring myself to ask Heavenly Father for help! Yet it seems that you have drawn closer to him since all of this! Thank you for helping me realize that there are others out there who don't want to get out of bed. It may sound silly but sometimes those around me have a hard time understanding this and I feel like I'm the only one! Thank you for being so real about life! I pray for you and your family and hope you can feel the love of people all around the world. You truly are an inspiration!
I am so sorry for you loss. SO SORRY! The gospel is such an amazing thing. You don't know me but I am so praying for you and your sweet family. Hang in there!
You don't know me either. I also found your blog off Stephanie's. I read each of yours a couple times a week. It has come as a constant reminder to cherish my babies more. I see Camille and Daxton's face every time I go to get mad at my little ones. I am so sorry for your loss. I know it gives little consolation but you and Stephanie are making a lot of people cherish their kids more and be better people in general.
I'm so touched by the sincerity of heart that you are sharing with others so that they can understand grief, and, in turn, appreciate life.
I can't even begin to imagine your loss, but having said goodbye to our premature daughter six months ago, I know it is very bittersweet.
Keep your head up, and, please, keep sharing.
"three coke" day for sure my love!
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