So this morning I woke up with all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" just staring me in the face. Usually I can keep them at bay, but today I woke up to Mikenna's "MOM.... MOM.... MOM.... DAD..... DAD.... Savannah is putting my clothes on!" Seriously? All I wanted to truly hear was Daxton hollering in his bed for me to come and get him to change his diaper. To no avail.Then came the well "what if" and "what if" and "if only." They only tear me up inside. Why do I think about them? Well usually I don't. I am usually pretty good about keeping them away. They do no good. It is what it is.
(I don't know how I feel about naked baby bath pictures, but as far as this one goes.... IT is pretty DARN CUTE!!!). So I have been looking for solace and thought, hmmm what should I do. Well, the obvious of course, and I opened my Book of Mormon to Mosiah 23:10. It reads:"Nevertheless, after much tribulation, the Lord did hear my cries, and did answer my prayers, and has made me an instrument in his hands in bringing so many of you to a knowledge of his truth."
I am not sure what this means for me, but it struck me that maybe I am supposed to share my story so that others will be able to be comforted during their trials and losses. The purpose of losing Daxton may not be clear to me right now, but it was in Heavenly Father's plan. While this is the hardest trial I have EVER had to face, there is such an outpouring of love and support from so many family, friends, and my fellow bloggers.
Another scripture I would like to share is in Mosiah 24:15. It reads,
"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma (Brittany) and his brethren (her family) were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."
While I am not sure how cheerful I have been about this, I know it is the will of the Lord. In my darkest hours, I know that the Lord is with me. I know that I am not doing this alone. If I was I would still be in bed from a month ago. He is buoying me up. My Father in Heaven send His Son, Jesus Christ to suffer for my sins and sorrows. He is strengthening me when I feel I have no more strength left in me. (this just gives me more strength to cry....)
There are days when I can't even fathom that he is gone, that I won't see him in this life. I wonder what he is doing. Is he watching us? What does he think of all the sorrow and grief we are going through? Does he visit us in our worst hours, when it is the hardest for us? I think so, I think he is watching over us and that he is closer than we really know. I think at times the veil is so very thin.I long for the day that I will see him again. I long for the day I will hold him in my arms, I long for the day I no longer have to imagine these "longings." I hope that I can do all that is possible to return to him and my Father in Heaven and be able to be found worthy of living with them for eternity.
Thanks for "listening"
16 comments:
I think that bath picture is cute!
We love you and you continue to be in our prayers. I am glad you can feel the love of the Savior right now as you need it so much.
We love you.
I love the pictures! I feel like I have a gift in getting to know Daxton and you guys through your blog.
After Daniel's birth I really found comfort in the fact that the one "person" who knew just how I felt and how to succor me perfectly was my Savior. (Alma 7:12, I think)
I pray that the peace of our Savior's love stays with you. I also keep you guys on the temple prayer roll up here.
Thanks for sharing your faith, struggles, testimony, and Daxton with us.
I am often comforted by the song by Natalie Grant "Held" Your post today reminds of that song again. All of you are in my prayers.
You are so strong, and I am constantly amazed at your posts. I'm sure Daxton is helping you through this just as you suspect. Isn't it wonderful to have the Gospel and be able to anticipate our sweet reunions? I'm so glad you've felt buoyed by the Lord during this time.
We love you guys.
Hi Brittany, I left you a comment earlier, & I just wanted to drop by your blog to let you know we are still thinking about you & your family & praying. After reading your post I wanted to share my thoughts with you.I am not Mormon,so I'm not exactly sure if this is something that will sound ridiculous to you or not....
I am due with our 3rd baby any day now, & since I've heard about Daxton I have been so deeply touched. I believe that babies are in Heaven before they are put here on this Earth. Seeing that Daxton is now in Heaven, I have been praying to him to guide our little soul safetly into this world & to watch out for him. Like I stated, it may sound crazy. I just wanted to share that with you since you were wondering what he was up too. Thanks for sharing your life, family & faith with us. You are helping Daxton touch so many.
~Kristi from WI
Brittany I have to say that I check your blog often, but I don't always comment because I don't know what to say. I am always awed by your strength and your optimism. Daxton is such a handsome little boy and I love to see pictures of him. Christian's favorite is of Daxton in the bath and he usually doesn't like naked pictures either. You are continually in our prayers and you lift up others because of your faith and strength as you go through the hardest trial a mother could be asked to go through. We love you guys!
I read your blog often, but never know what to say. You are in my thoughs everyday and my prayers too. From the first time I met you I remember thinking you were one tough cookie. Your strength continues to amaze me. I think your incredible.
My heart hurts for your sorrow. Your little family is so darling. I found your blog through Stephanie. Thanks for sharing the quotes about life and the gospel. We'll pray for you! Heather in Utah
Hi Brit-
I stumbled upon your blog and I am so thankful that I did. You have such strenghth and such a wonderful testimony. I love reading all the quotes and scriptures. You are so inspirational. Your family is so beautiful and your son is so precious. I'm truly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing with the rest of the world so we can grow and learn from you.
I am a good friend on Stephanie's. I am so glad you found each other to help you both through this most difficult time. My heart is breaking for you and your family, for Steph and hers, and for all the parents out there whose children are taken from them too soon. Your son is absolutely adorable. He must be a very special and valiant spirit.
love,
emily
I read this post the day you put it up, but I was crying too much from it and didn't know what to say. I am AMAZED by your strength and perspective and appreciate your insights so much. I'm so sad this happened to your family, but also aware of the plan and how wonderful you must be to be chosen for this particular trial. I don't think anyone would blame you for being very upset--yet you are encouraging and lifting up others in your despair. I'm in awe. Would you mind if I refer a friend to your blog? She lost her baby 2 years ago--and she is just amazing in her perspective too! Those pictures of your little boy are just precious--you can see what a giant spirit he has in them!
I found your blog thru Stephanie's. I can't believe the strength you have. I am so sorry about this tragic accident. You are so inspiring to everyone and you will see your little Daxton Angel again some day. God Bless your family.
Thanks for your beautiful words. I have dropped by before but didn't know what to say. But I wanted to let you know how inspired I've been by you and your faith. I love all the quotes you've shared...my favorite is about each of us having our Fridays but Sunday will come. I hope for my own personal Sunday as I know you do.
Thanks again.
How do you not wonder those things? Brittany, you are such an example of strength to me. Of course you are going to have hard nights, days, weeks. I wish we had the power to take pain away from others. I remember that my sister-in-law said that sometimes those moments of pain were theraputic. I hope those sweet pictures of him bring joy as well. He is SO cute!
I heard about your little Dax from your mother and came to read your blog. Having read and been inspired by all your beautiful words and sentiments, I needed to give you a gift in return, so I wrote this poem. Thank you for your testimony, which has uplifted my heart and spirit today. May God bless you and your family, as I know He will.
Sue Anderson
For Daxton, With Love
Written for the Kunz family by Susan Noyes Anderson
When Daxton came into our world,
he filled our lives with light.
His big blue eyes melted our hearts;
his smile made each day bright.
He was our Chubba Wubba, with
his squishy hands and feet.
We held him every waking hour;
our time with Dax was sweet.
Perhaps we sensed it would be short
and so, loved him the more.
Did memory beyond the veil
whisper what was in store?
The Spirit tells us this is true.
Somewhere, deep in the heart,
we knew to hold Dax extra close
before we had to part.
And thankfully, that’s what we did.
We’ve no regrets to tell.
We loved him every minute, hour, and day;
we loved him well.
Too well, we used to think, because
we rarely put him down!
We loved him to distraction…ran
to soothe each cry or frown.
We’re grateful now for moments spent
in filling every need.
It comforts us to realize
that Dax was loved, in deed.
He gave back all that love and more.
Our Daxton was a gift,
a gift of joy and spirit
consecrated to uplift.
We loved his grins and giggles
and his cuddles and his climbing.
We’ll listen for his laughter in
the sound of wind chimes chiming.
We’ll hear him in the songs we sing
and see him in pink strollers.
We’ll rank him far above the best
of all the great ball-rollers.
To Danny, he will always be
the Walter “warcraft” king,
and through the years, we’ll all find joy
in our remembering.
We’ll splash in pools and play in parks;
we’ll let our spirits soar.
And, honoring his puppy pant,
we’ll open wide the door…
To love and life and nature,
to our minds and to our hearts,
for Dax has left his imprint on
our sacred, inner parts.
His sisters loved and love him, their
forever Baby Brother;
each sacred day was precious to
his father and his mother.
We know we’ll be with him again
when all our living’s through,
but now, surrounded by our loved ones,
Dax has work to do.
He’s gone on heaven’s mission, safe
within the Lord’s embrace.
And when life’s journey takes us home,
they’ll greet us, face to face.
Until that wondrous, joyful morn,
we thank our God above
that we can spend eternity
with Daxton, our sweet love.
We don't know one another. The only connection is Debbie Hathaway. Debbie shared your blog address with me and it truly touched my heart. Thank you for sharing.
I had to make a comment especially after reading Mosiah 23:10-the scripture Heavenly Father was comforting you with.
I have personally experienced tragedy in my life and know in an ironic sense good can come from it, especially, if we will allow Heavenly Father into in our life & heart as you are doing. This may be no consolation to you right now but please believe time does heal all wounds but that does not mean we forget.
I admire your strength and think blogs are an excellent avenue for us to share "our stories" and hopefully, can lead others to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Stay strong, Dax it watching over you and I am certain counting the days when he can give his mommy, daddy and big sisters the biggest hug ever!!!
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