Today my dad told me a story of a woman who had lost her child who was stillborn. He was holding Isabella and asked if I thought it would be hard for a mother who had lost her child to hold a newborn. It was a genuine question, with no ill will. One might think that the mother would be comforted in holding a newborn even though it was not her own. I couldn't really answer that question.
My answer went something like this:
I can only gage it by how I feel. By what I have experienced and by what others have told me they felt around other little ones after theirs had passed away. Sometimes certain babies remind me of Daxton and it is those babies that make my heart sad. That make it want to burst and scream just like I did when I got the "call."
I had that experience today. I saw a little one. The resemblance to Daxton was truly uncanny. I had to go inside. I had to leave. It was almost suffocating. This mom's arms were full of her sweet little boy and my arms were empty of my sweet little boy. I don't begrudge this mother. She has suffered a loss not so different from mine. But my heart still hurt nonetheless.
I can't answer how the mother who lost her stillborn child would react to a newborn baby, but I can answer for me. As of late, I haven't felt the heart ripping out of my chest, but a sort of numbness. I don't know which I prefer. I have been busy with Isabella, I am not going to lie, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish I had a toddler running around also causing me sleep deprivation.
6 comments:
Hey Britt, I do love your blog comments. You know, I do not know how it feels to lose a one year old, but I do know how it feels to lose a four month old growing inside you. I still feel like it is growing inside me still, or at least that it should be. I have nightmares that it was still alive when the doctor took it out. I sometimes blame myself, thinking that if I did something differently....The last picture that they took of it looked like a normal little baby, and I loved it already. I'm not telling you this to tell you I know how you feel, because I don't, I am telling you this, because my heart aches for you still. I want you to know that I love you guys with all of my heart.
I check in on your blog all the time, LDS Mom living in North Carolina. We lost our baby boy in the 8th month of my pregnancy and I just wanted to say at that time it depended on the day as to whether or not I could hold a baby the same size, or what would have been the same age. I find that it's best to let the Mom who has suffered the loss decide. If I wanted to hold the baby, I would just ask. If I was offered and just couldn't I would politely decline and suggest that I get the chance another time. My son is gone 16 years now, I've been blessed to understand "The Plan" and so even though I still ache for him sometimes, I know that he is happy and busy serving The Lord.
I'm a mother who had twins 13 yrs ago, one was born still born the other has turned into a great tween! For me being able to fill my arms with another child that was mine at the same time that I lost the other was precious. I couldnt have imagined going home without any baby in my arms. I would have to admit that I was jealous and angery everytime I saw a mother who had two children to hold. But then had to remind myself that I needed to be grateful for the one I still had.
If I had lost both I dont think I would have wanted to see another baby much less hold someone else's, at least not for a while.
Isabella is so beautiful, she looks more like Daxton than she does the older girls. My daughter who's eight has been saving money with hopes of saving enough to put together a Daxton Box for our local hospital here in Kingman. If you wouldnt mind I would love to find out more about the box and put some together in the memory of Daxton. My daugher loves reading your blog and looking at all the pictures. She recently cried when she heard the "Angels Among Us" song. Your family is a great inspiration.
Love to you all.
Jenny
I lost my stillborn daughter in September, and my cousin got married that Christmas. At his wedding breakfast, his new wife's sister had a brand new baby, like two weeks old. Unbeknownst to me, she had asked that no one touch the baby, since she was so new and it was winter. I was unaware of this, and all I wanted to do was hold that child. Brad, in all his kindness, went and asked the mom, who I didn't know and didn't know my circumstance, if I could hold the baby. When she was placed in my arms, I sat there with tears and sobs, while everyone in the room witnessed my sorrow.
But it did help to have my arms full for just a moment.
Wow. Until I read your post I had completely forgotten this experience.
Britt, I just thought I would leave a comment here too. As you know I did not experience a stillborn, but in a way having known for so long the expected outcome, and them to meet him for that one day was similar. I think it depends on the mother, and the day. Leaving home without a newborn baby leaves natural physical need to nurture a baby. For me it was both emotional, but physically I felt like I should be hearing cries, etc. I was actually told that it can be therapeutic to take care of someone elses baby for a day, and then have to give the baby back of course. I sometimes wish I would have done that because I felt the need to nurture. A few weeks after having him, I finally could stop binding myself, and a lot of the physical pain had subsided. Then it was mostly emotional after that.
Now, it is hit and miss. I suppose it is similar to you with Daxton, just depending on the child, the day, and the event taking place.
It is interesting how intense the pain and sorrow it for a while, and then it becomes lighter, but ever present. Heavenly Father definately has a plan to help us find joy in the journey and to make the burden possible to bare.
Thanks again for all your posts.
Hi Britt.. You don't know me and honestly I don't even remember how I found your blog but every once in awhile I check in and catch up... This post specifically caught me and I can't just read it and not post, so sorry, since you don't even know me! :)
I lost a baby boy 4 years ago this April... Broc. I was 37 weeks pregnant and in labor, when I realized I hadn't felt him move for awhile. Long story short, he was born still. I was so angry when they first told me that my worst fear had indeed come true... How on earth was I supposed to ever be pregnant again?! How could I go through another 9 months with the possibility of this happening again?! Thankfully, my OB is LDS as am I. :) And because of him my anger turned to comfort (I know it sounds funny) the first thing he said after listening to me be so angry was.... You need a blessing. And ever since then I've had the comfort and knowledge of the gospel, to know that one day I'll see him again and get to raise him! I tell everyone, I can't wait until we meet again and he tells me about all the important work he's been doing for my Heavenly Father! I know I'll be SO proud to be his Mom, and that Heavenly Father choose me to be his Mom and carry his precious body! It seems like forever until that day will come but I can't wait, and right now I'm just doing everything I can to make sure that happens!
But onto the question your Dad asked you, speaking from experience. After my Dad gave me my blessing in the hospital (in which my husband and doctor stood in on as well) I have had a peace about me. I'm sure my family was worried about me being around babies, because you know being LDS babies are EVERYWHERE!! But I actually held one that was a month old the same day I delivered my baby boy! We went to some friends house to pick up our daughter and they were having a movie night in their front yard. One of the people there was a friend of mine from my ward with her new little girl. As unbelievable as this sounds and I'm sure looked to everyone that was there... I walked right over to her and picked her up and talked to her! I asked her questions like... Was it pretty up there, Did she wish she could go back, Did she think Broc was happy, If she could go back would she.. and others. And that little one month old baby cooed and talked back unlike any one month old baby I had/have ever seen! It meant the world to me! She was a comfort. Come to find out her Mom almost left when I showed up because she felt like her being there with her little perfect healthy baby might upset me more but in turn it was a great blessing! Something Heavenly Father knew I needed at that time. Now, did I do that with all babies, No. But I held everyone I could get my hands on! And every time I wondered what it would be like if I were holding my little one and what he would look like, and I still do that to this day! I don't think that will ever change! Even after having my son who was born just 2 weeks before my son, Broc's one year anniversary. I still wonder! I look at my almost 3 year old and wonder if that is what Broc would have looked like and if Broc would be doing the same things he is doing etc. I look at friends kids and perfect strangers kids who are the same age as what Broc would be and wonder what Broc would look like. I'm sure I will do that until the day I die or until I meet Broc again, which ever comes first! ;) But that's to be expected from anyone who has lost a child!
I know it's all so hard right now, I can't imagine being you. It sounds funny but as much as I was devastated when I lost my baby boy I was thankful at the same time... I was thankful that we didn't have all the memories that come with an older child. We didn't have the connections that you get when you go through the first year of a child as you do and I don't envy you in the least bit!! I know we all have chosen our trials in life, why we chose these who knows! I think any of us who have lost babies were crazy to choose this trial but Heavenly Father knows what we can handle! You'll get threw it one day at a time! I'm so glad you have your little girl to keep you occupied! I know that having my son so soon after losing Broc was a blessing! They don't take the place of what were missing but they fill our hearts in other places! Feel free to read my blog! Here is the link to my post last year on Broc's anniversary, http://briandjess.blogspot.com/2008/04/3-years-ago.html it goes through what we went through! Sorry this turned into a novel! I'll keep checking in on you and your beautiful daughters!!
~Jessica
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