Well yesterday marked 6 months that my little Daxton became an angel in Heaven. The actual day itself wasn't that bad. This road of grief is much like a roller coaster. There are highs and lows, goes fast and slow, and I am still waiting for someone to let me off. The days seem to go by so fast. How can he really be gone already for 6 months. 6 more months and he will have been away from me longer than he was actually here with me.
And yet, time seems to go so slow. Has it only been 6 months? It seems like eternity! Some may ask if Mondays are hard for me, or if the 9th of every month is tough. Well? If I could only be so lucky that there were only 5 planned days a month that I lose it. What a relief! Such as it is, it is not the case. It is almost every other day that I cry myself to sleep, wetting my pillow with tears of sorrow. Only to wake up to another day without Daxton.
I get out of bed and carry on. I make cookies with the girls, do puzzles, and play memory with them. While they are at school, I sneak in the occasional nap or run the mounds of errands or work on the never ending "list" that we all make. I look around me and I have never seen so many little 18 month olds running around. I try to picture what Daxton would look like. What would his personality have developed into? What words would he be saying? Would his eyes be even more captivating? How would I do his hair and what size clothes would he be wearing? Would he like to wear the hats and tennis shoes I bought him? These questions are not to be answered.
Of course I miss him, of course I grieve his loss. I think that this roller coaster ride is never ending. There are times when we go around a corner and get slapped in the face with fear. Fear that I won't make it another day without him. There are times of fun, time I spend with my girls, making memories that will be long lasting. At times it goes fast and I wonder where the time went, what a ride it has been, and times it goes slow, will I ever be done with this ride? Will I ever not cry myself to sleep at night? Will I get to a point where I am grateful for the loss I have suffered? Will I learn all that my Father in Heaven wants me to learn?
4 comments:
It is very hard that you live thinking about the precious times that will not be, but we know that Daxton completed his MISSION on earth and you WILL witness all precious times with him. You were chosen to be his MOTHER, and you were bless to have him in your life. DAXTON left a beautiful legacy that will last forever. There are no words to ease your pain, ONLY THAT OUR LORD AND TIME WILL HEAL YOU.
You are in my prayers...... Daxton is just about the handsomest boy I have ever seen. He looks so much like you from what I see in pictures. Your girls are beautiful. You really are an ispiration and I hope the Lord can help ease the pain you feel. Your family is amazing.
Oh Brit, I know...I know exactly. As I read your post, I can't help but have tears streaming down my cheeks. I know you miss him. I am so sorry we are going through this. Daxton and Jack were only 11 days apart. It's been 11 weeks on Tuesday and feels like an absolute eternity. I wish I could take some of your pain away so that you wouldn't cry yourself to sleep each night. I wish you lived closer. You are truly and inspiration to so many people...me especially. I just love you! You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Loves,Tif
You don't know me, but I am Michelle Larsen (Angel Gavin's mom) next door neighbor, so I always read your blog through hers. YOur little Daxton is so darling and I love to read what you write about him. I just wanted to let you know how strong I think you and all the other mothers are who survive these losses. You reward will be so great.
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