I usually enjoy Fast and Testimony meetings. I do. Usually.
A sweet older woman said today, (and there was a preface, but it isn't really that important. Ok maybe it is, but it isn't what I remember) "When you lose a child they become just a memory."
I am sorry? REWIND. What did she just say? I looked over at Doug. Apparently he wasn't paying attention, or maybe he was which was why I couldn't get his attention. Seriously? Seriously?
I am sure she has had her fair share of trials. I am sure of it. Really. I am. But seriously? Why not say something like, "oh and that time you didn't have enough money to buy bread?" or "when you were in that car accident, but everybody was ok" or "when you were fat and now you are skinny" or "when you locked yourself out of the car" or "your dog died." Those my friends are memories.
Why use something SO dramatic? SO close to home? I mean seriously? SERIOUSLY???? There are TWO people I KNOW who are listening that have "lost a child who is now just a memory that we will look back on." SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why would you say something like that? WHY o WHY o WHY? Especially when you are NOT one of the TWO that HAVE lost a child?
I am glad that I am not easily offended (or maybe I am.... I just observed all the CAPITAL letters and !!!! points included :)), but lets be real here. What in this world would possess you to say something so LAME!!!! I have other words, but we will stick with lame.
You know what the worst part is? It. Is. True. Really. That is the worst part. The absolute worst part.
I am not a New Year's Resolution maker. I'm just not that good. But I am a really good New Year's Resolution braker. Too bad this has to be my first 2010 post, but it is what it is. Timing is everything.
I am going on my second full year without Daxton. It is hard. But it is true. Sadly. However, I am one year closer to seeing him. Hopefully I have become a better person in the last year. Better so that I will one day REALLY be able to see him again. To raise him. To love him. To kiss him. To hold him.
And it won't just be a memory. It won't be the cold piece of paper that a photograph provides. It won't be the stale smell of the ziploc bag holding the unwashed last pieces of his laundry. It will be real.
Last year to make New Years easier (if that is possible, considering I had a total breakdown) we decided to set goals. Goals that would be attainable, doable, unbreakable. Now I don't know about you, but I have to be accountable to someone. So I decided to be accountable to Daxton. He is the one that keeps me on track. He is the one that keeps me motivated.
Why you might ask? Well the goals I set last year were supposed to be goals that would help me to better myself so that I could live with him again. I am doing that same thing this year. I was accountable last year. My goal was attainable. Hopefully I can do the same this year.
There are a few more goals this year, but hopefully I will be able to remember them and be able to accomplish them.
8 comments:
I have been reading your blog for a long time now. I don't have any children of my own which my painful trial in this life. There is so much more that can be expanded on with that comment. Your little Daxton and his little life is full of memories not just a memory. He is part of you and you are part of him. I know I haven't experienced this but I believe he will never be just a memory. You will each have memories of Daxton that will always be part of you. Thank you for your blog. Although our trials are very different, it does give me some insight and hope on dealing with a different pain of not having rather than losing. All your 4 children are adorable. I hope that you will continue to be strengthened and feel peace. xx
Old women are different. Seriously. After we leave my grandmas I think "Did she really just say all that?" My great grandma dies when she was 99. She lost a baby at 6 months. Never did she stop mourning in her own way. She led a full life and had many happy moments but he was more than a memory. With Daxton's pictures, stories, EVERYTHING you haven't put him all away or in a closet and don't talk of him. People are thinking of him, praying for you, and that makes him more than a memory. He is a part of you no matter what and living on. It's not in the way you ever imagined or wanted but he does live on.
I think that's why it's so important to moms to keep something that was their child's, to prove they were actually on this earth for a while. While I've never had that experience, I watched my grandma through her whole life, comment on her wonderful five sons, and how she missed her only daughter who died at 9 months from pneumonia.
When she was put in a nursing home, Brad and I moved into her house for a while. Being the nosy person I am, I looked through her cedar chest. And in there, after 45 years, was a pink crocheted dress and a cracked pink rattle. Maybe just a memory. But a memory of something real and something that would be returned.
Someday, just not today. Now she has that someday. And so will you.
Wow. That was an incredibly insensitive thing for her to say.
I'm sorry that it hurt you so deeply.
If you want to set goals to be a better person, that's great. We should all be better people.
But, I have a hard time with you doing it just to see Daxton again.
In my belief system, you will see Daxton again NO MATTER WHAT.
You could turn pot-smoking, family-abandoning, living on the streets mom (or anything in between) and you will still see Daxton again.
God is good. There is no other option.
It just seems frenzied and unhealthy to try to improve yourself with the thought of seeing Daxton in the next life as the carrot and the thought of not seeing him as the stick. Nobody deserves that kind of pressure and I can't imagine a God who would do that to you or anyone else.
Dealing with your loss is hard enough without pressure of perfection on top of it.
That's just my take, it may not ring true to you at all.
Hugs and kisses. I'll see you Thurs.
Wow Jess. I actually hadn't thought about it that way. Good point though.
I know I will see him again no matter what. I know that God is good and that He is fair.
I can't put it into words that would do justice. But I will do my best.
I didn't set these goals to put more pressure on myself.... I was talking to my running partner and she said that when she sets a goal she tells her husband what it is so that he can hold her accountable.
Let's say her goal is to not eat sugar for a week (ok this is SO not one she would do, but for the sake of a lack of creativity). She just wants someone else to know what her goal is so they can say... Hey you remember about an hour ago you said you were going to go without sugar for a week. Well it has only been an hour, you sure you want to eat that cookie right now?
For me the goal isn't so much the pressure, it is the accountability. I know morbid. Sometimes I find myself talking to myself with Daxton in mind as the other party in my conversation. So without sounding insane, I talk to him. I write him letters. I set goals for him. There isn't anything else I can do.
I can't hold him. I can't kiss him. So I talk to him (or myself) and I set a goal for him. It isn't anything crazy. It is things like reading to my girls so that I can continue to appreciate what I DO still have. OR doing something fun in remembrance of him.
Now don't get me wrong. I have seriously considered self medicating myself and becoming a pot smoking, meth addict, alcoholic, but seriously, Where would that lead me ? :)
LOVE you and THANKS for the perspective. I always appreciate it your insight.
I have been following your blog for a long time now, and have never left a comment before. I really want you to know how much you have changed my attitude,;
I totally understand what you are saying here. I lost my mother when I was 15, I am now almost 20. Once in church a same thing happened to me, it cut deep,very deep.. to this day it puts me in pain. I totally understand how you feel.
I do not think people understand how it really is to loose someone so close, they say they understand, but really they don't.
Please remember that your son is watching over you at all times :)
XoXo
I'm so sorry someone said something like that. I, like your first commenter, haven't lost a baby, but I was unable to have them. With that comes a pain that others don't understand. I endured many insensitive remarks and I hope that I can forget the worst ones in time. I know you will see your sweet baby someday and that he will always be with you. I love reading your blog and all your children are very sweet.
I know we've never met in real life, but I just wanted to say I adore you (in a non-creepy way). Your posts are always honest and heart-felt, and often leave me teary and enlightened. Your four kids are very blessed to have you as their mother. I love that Daxton keeps you accountable for your goals. What a great cheerleader he must be. Keep pressing on! You are doing a fabulous job.
P.S. I'm the Angie with two sets of twins--I think we're Facebook "friends".
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