Today

So many thoughts run through my head as I think about today. There are many emotions swimming around in here.... I think of moms who have recently lost their children. They are just starting on this horrible journey. I hear their stories and I cry for them. I feel for them. I hope that they are comforted. I hope that they can find peace. Losing a child? Well there is just no 'fairness' about it. I have recently heard of more tragic stories than my own. I never thought I would say that out loud. Or write it for that matter.

I had Daxton for 1 year and 9 days. That is more than some of the mothers I have met have had their little angels. I am grateful that I had him for as long as I did. Do I wish that it would have been longer? OF COURSE!!! Do I wish I could see him again right now beside me and give me a big hug and make all the hurt go away? OF COURSE!!! But it is not so just yet. I am to wait what seems like an eternity.

I am comforted though, as I watch Isabella grow. I was sitting in church yesterday and was looking around at all of the people of different ages. How quickly time goes, how quickly we age, how quickly we grow up. I am trying to enjoy the 'now,' the time I have with my kids, the time I have with my husband, and the time I have with my extended family. Life is short, although sometimes it seems SO long

I was able to attend Sunday School ( I am in the primary in my home ward) and the lesson was on Emma Smith, the wife of the Prophet Joseph Smith. How she suffered in her lifetime. She lost 7 out of 11 children. I can't even fathom. Her husband was beaten, taken from her on many occasions, and ultimately murdered. Once again. I can't even fathom. In a revelation given to Joseph Smith from God, she was told to not murmur and to find the good in her situation. (Doctrine and Covenants chapter 25).

If anyone had any right to murmur it would have been Emma Smith. With all of her suffering, sorrows, and tribulations, she had every right in my opinion to murmur. BUT, she didn't. (ok maybe she did a little bit, but I imagine she was able to find ways to serve others and lose herself in the service of others) She accepted that she was the wife of a great prophet. She accepted that she had the divine call to be the great lady she was and in order to mold her into the woman she was to become, she had to endure these trials.

I don't pretend to know what her thoughts, feelings, or attitude was. I can only guess. What I do know is that if I wanted to be bitter and hateful and spiteful and give up all I have been taught because of my suffering, I likely wouldn't be judged for it. It would seem I would have a 'right' to be mad or to fall away from the teachings I have been so dependent on in my life. I could find offense in every conversation I had. I could be angry and bitter and close myself off from the world. But I have chosen not to.

It hasn't been easy. There are good days and bad days, even now. 9 months later. It is often times hard for me to fathom that there are people who actually get to raise all of their children. It is much like when Savannah was born and was fed with a tube for 3 years, then Mikenna came along and sucked from a bottle. It was a miracle. My world has changed. I have been opened up to a room full of women who have angels as well as me. They have become my lifeline. The ones I depend on to get me through those hard days. They are the ones that know the loss of a child to a mother.

These last 9 months have molded me to the person I am today. Losing Daxton was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. But I am still here. I have survived up to this point. If you would have asked me 9 months ago if I thought I would be here, I would have said no. But here I am. And I am grateful.