Last night as I was holding my baby girl, she was SO fussy. I just couldn't get her to stop. I think she had a belly ache. It was really sad. For her. And me. We were both so exhausted as it was about 1am....
Sometimes when I am holding Isabella in my arms or in the middle of the night when I get up, I get "confused." Often I will forget it is Isabella and think it is Daxton, when he was a baby. I will nurse her and I get the feeling it is him. Or I will be up in the middle of the night and my mind will revert back to the sleepless nights I was up with Daxton when he was first born.
Interesting how your mind plays tricks on you. Well mine does anyway. So as I was up with Isabella, my mind wandered to what I used to do when Daxton wouldn't go to sleep and was fussy and I just couldn't hold him anymore. I would take him into his bedroom, place him in his crib (crying mind you) but I couldn't bare to let him cry alone. I just knew I couldn't hold him anymore. So I would lay by him on the bed beside his crib and I would put my hand on his and I would stay there until he calmed down and went to sleep. I miss that.
If there is one thing I have learned in all this, it is that life is SO very fragile. It can be taken away at any given moment. Any given second. I often make myself sick with worry when I put Savannah on the bus or drop Mikenna off at school or put Isabella down for a nap or drive in my car. Anything. I continue to remind myself that each day is a new day and I should be grateful for every one of them I have.
4 comments:
Middle of the nights can be tricky. As I read your sweet post regarding staying with Daxton until he was sleeping, I found myself remembering that I would cry along with my little Jackie because my back and shoulders hurt so bad. I just didn't want to put him down when he was crying. It seemed to break my heart in a different way than Corbin (my first). Interesting the things we did without knowing what was in store for us. I love you Brit. I pray that you will sleep well this night. May Daxton be near. Loves, Tif
SO MUCH FUN! I love when you post the fun events as well as the dialogues (I can usually hear Savannah's voice) ... it makes me feel like I'm home!
I went to this lecture (LOVE BYU for this) "the developing brain and autism" and it taught me so much I didn't know about the brain. If I were smart enough and didn't want a family ;-) I would spend my life studying the brain. I thought a lot about the resurrection and fairness and our connection with heaven and spirit when all we see is this body of ours. Our minds are SO powerful and all that you have accomplished and all you have endured makes me realize how strong your mind is in faith...an example I have needed SO much.
Life is fragile, but there ARE things that last forever. I struggle with this. Nothing scares me more than the very real possibility that those things and people who make me happiest and secure could be taken from me. But someday knowing that there are things/people that will always be mine will be the strongest part of my testimony...I hope ;)
You are such a good mom. Those long sleepless nights are so hard. After you lose a child those nights definitly seem a little easier to bear. We know that life can be short so we will take each moment and enjoy it even if our kids are screaming because that is better than not having them here at all.
Sending Love and hopefully mor sleep!
Jen
You are not weird at all! I totally (even still mind you) hug Spencer and sometimes pretend to hug James, picture James' face on Spencer's body. Whatever helps. I love how you said you would lay down by his crib and hold his hand through the crib. It reminds me of dumbo when Dumbo's mom was in prison and she reached through the prison gate and rocked dumbo in her trunk. It was such a tender moment in the movie, and that's just what I thought of as I read that. Much love. I wish I could have known Daxton, you can tell he was a delightful child:) They always are.
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