I hesitated posting these raw feelings. Don't judge me. It is but in this moment that I feel this way.
Oh my sweet baby,
No amount of loving on Isabella. No amount of loving on other babies. No amount of projects. No amount of pictures or memories or substitutes will bring you back to me. None. Nothing.
A piece of me died with you. A piece of my heart broke when you died. A piece of me will forever be lost because you are not with me on this earth.
Oh how I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your slobbery kisses. I miss not having to brush by comments that might be hurtful to me or offend me. I miss not having to ignore comments that might offend me or not say comments that might offend others because I am offended or hurt their feelings. I miss being 'normal.' I don't like this new normal. It hurts. It sucks.
I should have two babies at home with me. I should have one more spot in my car filled. I should have to have bought another crib or toddler bed for you. I should have seen you walk and talk and say mommy. I should be crazy with 4 kids. But alas, I am not. A part of me is missing. A part of me died with you.
I hate that I can't look at pictures of you. I hate that I don't ALWAYS think of you. I hate that I don't have time to cry. That I put it off until I can't hold it any longer. I hate that when I hold Isabella I wish it were you in my arms. I hate that I feel like a bad mother for thinking so. I hate that when I think of Isabella as a one year old, (which she may not make it to because who knows if she will be with me or if she will be taken away) that I think of you and wish you could be here. I hate that it has been over 9 months and I still have the very same raw emotions perk up that I had the moment I found out you had left me. I hate that there are other moms who have to lose their children.
I wish that I could take that hurt away from those moms and pile it on to my grief. I wish that when I woke up to a crying baby it was you. I wish that when I held a crying baby it was you. I wish that I could take you out and walk the halls at church. I wish that when I opened the doors to nursery I saw you playing with the playdough. I wish that you were under my feet so that I could step on you, that you could slobber all over your shirt and get boogers all over and when I took you out in public people would think I was a bad mom because I made you wear wet clothes and didn't wipe your nose. I wish you were here to wave by to me when I went to work. I with that you were here to greet me when I came home. I wish that you were here to toddle around and complain you weren't getting any attention while I was nursing Isabella. I wish that you were here so that Mikenna could play with you. So that she wouldn't have to ask to have other little babies come over and play just so she could have a 'substitute.' I wish that I didn't need a substitute. I wish that when there was a substitute for you that it wasn't really a substitute.
I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to raise you.
Love,
Mom
PS For all of you who read this, please kiss your babies. Please don't take them for granted. Please take this moment to try to choose to do one thing better tomorrow.
27 comments:
You don't know me, but thank you for this. The pain you have endured is beyond my understanding, but you have given us all a beautiful gift in the reminder of what REALLY matters. I think of you and your precious little boy more than you know. I know that many people you have never even met pray for you and your beautiful family.
You don't know me either. I have followed your story since your sweet Daxton passed away. Because of you and your story, I am a better mother. I am more patient with my two small children, I hug them and kiss them all day long. I take pictures of them everyday, and scrapbook almost their entire lives. Because I know that one day they could be taken from me. The first time I read about Daxton I couldn't stop crying. I immediately had to go check on my sleeping children, and kiss them. Please know that there are many mothers out there that cry for you, and pray for you. I am so grateful for you, and your sweet spirit, for helping remind us exhausted mothers what really is important in our lives. Thank you.
Today I needed to read what you wrote. There are times when I take my own kids for granted and then I read your blog and I remember to always to do better. I come to your blog ALL the time! I look up to you in many ways. I dont think I could survive if I lost one of my sweet boys. I would die. Thank you so much for posting about Daxton. It is such a testimony builder for me. You are so strong. Thank you so much
I wish I could take away your pain. I sometimes can see the sadness in your eyes. You make me hold my kids a bit longer, and be a bit more patient. Your so strong and I can only try to understand your loss. Loosing someone is hard. I remember that beautiful little smile Daxton had and he was an angel. I am thankful for the memories you share.
I can not imagine what you're going through. I'm thinking of you today.
Britt,
Hate to say it, but it never goes away. But I don't think you'd want it to.
As hard as days like this are, it helps us remember that love is real and that love is strong and that lessons are taught for reasons. Reasons we don't fully understand. Reasons that maybe we do understand but still don't like.
That's ok. "All will be restored." Until that day, keep hanging in there.
I am so sorry for you pain.
I just sent you an email.
I hardly know you and yet I have this urge to want to hug you and cry with you. I don't always know what to say to you but I certainly am praying for you. I'm sorry that I don't have any awesome amazing words or counsel for you to make you feel the least bit better. Sometimes I don't know if I should write because I don't know exactly how you feel, I can only imagine it. But I think of you often and you have also inspired me like you have so many other women to be a better mother. I just wanted to tell you thank you for your advice of hugging and kissing our children and not taking the days for granted. I kissed my children for you today, and for me.
I cannot imagine the pain and heartache you feel on a daily basis. I am so glad you are able to express your feelings not only because it must be some sort of release for you, but also because it really does make all of us reading think about what is important. I am sorry that Daxton is not here with you right now. I think about your family all the time and wish things were not as they are. You are such a good mom - an exceptionally good mom. I am thankful for you and your example of motherhood both "before" and "after."
You don't know me either but I feel like I know you in a way. I too have been following your blog ever since you lost your sweet, precious, baby boy. I think of you often and pray for you too. My heart breaks for you for what you are going through. I can't even imagine losing a child and am constantly amazed at the strength you have and for your faith. You are a wonderful example Brittney and your testimony has strengthened mine. Please don't feel like anyone is judging you for the way you feel. That's just it, it's how you feel and NOBODY can know exactly what you are going through.
I'm so happy Heavenly Father has blessed you with another sweet baby girl and even though she can never take Daxton's place I can feel the joy she brings to you. She is adorable and so are your older girls. You make me want to be a better mother ~ to be more patient with my kids and to spend more time with them and to hug and kiss them more. Please know that there are so many people that pray for you and hope the best for you. Thank you for being such an amazing person....one I wish I knew personally.
I, like many others who have posted, have never met you, yet have followed your blog for a long time and have cried tears for you as well. Your sweet baby and your love for him has changed my life. And today, I will be more patient with my sick, whining little boy who is the same age Daxton. Because of you, I will hold him longer and be calmer as I deal with the small, insignificant trials in my day. And....I will pray that your day will be a little easier, your burden a little lighter. All of us who read your blog truly love you! Praying for you again tonight.....
I can't wait to see you this weekend!!! And give you a BIG HUG!!! I love you tons!
You speak such feelings that I share with you. It's been 7 ugly months for us, and the hurt does not seem to get any easier. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know I am not alone in my own, even though it so desperately feels that way. Crying with you, and sending me love.
Michelle
Gavin's Mom
Oh sweetheart, my heart just aches for your pain. You are right you should have all those "normal" things that so many take for granted. I had one of those moments yesterday and was missing my Jackie so bad that I couldn't control the sobbing as I scrubbed down my house. I miss him so much that it physically hurts. I wish with all my heart that I could take your pain away and help you feel good even if only for a moment. My mom was able to talk to Jack in the temple on Saturday. He told her that he's been really busy up there. I'm sure he and Daxton are up there just working away. Keeping busy so as to pass the so called time until we'll be with our little angels again. I love you Britt. You can lean on me. "Someday" right? Someday...
Brittany, I've been thinking about you and your sweet boy the past couple weeks. You inspire me to appreciate my daily moments and daily doings more. I'm so sorry for all your pain. I can only imagine the aching constant the pain is. my heart goes out to you when i just try to ponder and think. your enduring spirit is truly inspirational. I hope so many great things for you and your family. You're often in my thoughts. Jen
I am also a reader whom you do not know. I really don't think that ANYONE would judge you on this. These are real feelings that you have...and you have the right to have them! Nobody will ever replace your precious boy. I think that no matter how much faith you have, it is still so hard to wait to see him again. I really can not even imagine your pain...but I can pray for you! I really hope that the rawness of your pain can somehow soften as time goes on.
Brittney, Your post today made me so sad. Sad for me and you and all of the other moms who endure this. I wanted to post part of your words on my little Mia's blog. I have felt those same feelings oh so many times. I hope you don't mind. I also wanted to leave you with a quote that I love. Hang in there. (that is not the quote but it is a good one :) )
"As long as we can LOVE each other, and remember the feeling of LOVE we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the LOVE you created is still there. You live on in the HEARTS of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.
Death ends life, not a relationship."
Tuesdays with Morrie
Love, Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^
You don't know me, I found your blog through another mom who has lost a baby.
I have an almost ten month old and I have followed your blog ever since you lost Daxton. When I read your story, I cried so hard for your family. My worst fears were being written! How can a family lose a precious and perfect baby?!? Life is not fair. I am so so sorry.
I've always wanted to comment, but was not (and still not) sure what to say.
I am so thankful for your words, even though you express them in so much sadness and pain. You have made me want to be a better mother and to try harder. I wish I could take the pain away from you and that you could have sweet Daxton back. I don't even know you, but I would do that for you if I could.
Motherhood has been hard for me, I am constantly trying to figure out the given good vs. my expected good. I am learning new things everyday and look to you for an example.
I am thankful we have the gospel, and maybe this is why I feel a closeness to you.
Please know that your family is in my prayers constantly and I hope that the pain eases, even if it is slowly.
God bless your sweet family,
I am another one of the "You don't know me's" but I have read your sweet blog for quite sometime now and my heart just ACHES for you. I to, have a little boy named Daxton and I can't even imagine what my life would be like without my Dax. You are such a strong amazing person and I am so thankful that you posted your story about Daxton and that you continue to post sweet memories of him. You make me want to become a better mother and to hug and kiss my boys every second of the day. Please know that even though I don't know you, I continue to pray for you and your sweet family. and I thank you for making me a stronger person today.
brit & doug & girls,
I love you guys so much. Thank you for your comments. You are such a special gal! I always knew doug would marry an amazing lady-and he did-i love you, brit & i'm so grateful for your testimony-for your strength & for your love for others. you have always been such a wonderful example to me -thank you-please know that you & doug & the girls are in our thoughts & prayers always. I'm sure Daxton is so excited for the day to come to see you & doug & savannah & mikenna & isabella again-what a special special reunion it will be!Hope ya'all have a great weekend-we'll miss ya all & can't wait to see you soon! wish i could give you a big hug right now!love ya bunches! Marinda
I also am a silent reader of your blog for quite some time now. I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I read this post. The tears started to come down harder when I read that you wish you could take away the hurt from other mother's add it to yours. This is why you are truly an amazing woman and mother. Daxton is so blessed to have such a righteous and loving mother like you. Your girls are so beautiful and precious. I, along with many others look up to you and the example you are to soo many. Your tesimony is truly inspiring. My heart aches for you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Thank you for sharingyour testimony, it stregthens my tremendously.
Love, Macy
Hi Britt,
Wow, I'm sobbing right now because this sums up my feelings PERFECTLY!! I think the only thing I would add is that I HATE going to bed because I can't sleep anymore and all I want to do is cry. Thanks for putting into words what I couldn't!! I might just copy and paste it to mine!!
Love ya!
I think Heavenly Father wanted me to read your blog tonight. I was feeling a little frustrated and exhausted with my almost 2 year old tonight and now as I read your blog I know to appreciate those moments. I do not understand why some mother's have to go through these difficult and overwhelming trials, it does not seem fair. You have so much strength and so much love for Him to give you this burden. I will be praying for you and thinking of you. I'm sure Daxton is doing the same.
Thanks for sharing this. I lost my Daughter January 9, 2009. It hurts everyday, but I try to be strong and press on. It's hard that not everyone around me can understand what I'm going through on the days that I am just sad and on the days when I just want to sit and think. I hate that I feel depressed sometimes. I am not the same person I was almost 3 short months ago. I am thankful that there are others like me who can understand, but I am so sad any of us are in this position. We are truly blessed to have the knowledge of eternal families. But sometimes it comes at a price.
I am having a hard day and I want to thank you for posting this. Sometimes I just need my feelings validated. I just need to know someone else can truly understand.
I have been thinking a good while about how to respond to this, because I really wanted to! Those of us who read your blog don't judge you or your feelings. You are honest, and you share exactly what you are feeling - the good, the bad, and the ugly. It allows us to get to know who you are from a raw perspective. I don't have words of encouragement, or words of wisdom to share. They probably wouldn't help on the bad days anyhow, as I can imagine that those days deserve lots of crying and mourning. That is allowed, and it is good for you. You will always miss your son, and you will always long for his spirit to be around. I admire your willingness to press forward.
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