This pregnancy seems so much the same as Daxton's (except that I am carrying a girl this time and not a boy). Baby sister moves almost as much or more than Daxton did. She is growing like crazy!!! There are many similarities this time. The same doctor, nurses, will be the same hospital, the same OR, the same recovery room.
Many memories flood my mind. Some make me sad, others make me apprehensive, but the same excitement and wonder still abound from what she will be like, who she will look like. It seems lately we have been doing things that I did when I was pregnant with Daxton and now. We went to a park when I was 5 months pregnant with Daxton and just revisited that park a few days ago. I sit in the same waiting room at the doctors office with Mikenna doing the same thing we did before.
As I look at all the one year olds running around with their mothers chasing after them...... well I can't really explain the swelling of emotion or the pangs of missing my one year old. There was one in particular yesterday when I went for a check up. She was 12 months. It didn't bother me when she was running around, but when she started to cry.... oh how I missed Daxton. I miss when he cried in my arms. When he ran into something and came crawling to me or looked up at me with those baby blues. All those thoughts come flooding back.
Did I mention I love to sleep when I am pregnant? Well I still love to sleep now for that reason, but also because I am raising Daxton in my dreams. I don't know if he is getting bigger, but last night I dreamt that I had been away on a trip and I came home. I was so relieved to see him and I didn't put him down. He slept with me, I carried him everywhere, and he was eating like a horse.
I remember one time I was working and had just woken up and gone to my mom's to get the kids. Mom had just put him to bed and he really didn't think that was a good idea so he was protesting LOUDLY in her bedroom in the playpen. I opened the door to the bedroom, walked in, and scooped him up into my arms. Immediately (of course) he settled down. His big crocodile tears dried on his face.... and we snuggled. He was SO tired!!!
Well that is the latest and greatest!
11 comments:
What sweet dreams!
I've finally joined the blogosphere, so I can actually leave a comment like normal people. I guess I'm just half a generation too old, because very few people with kids my kids' ages have such a convenience. I hope all is well with you. Are you still running, etc., or has the enormity of pregnancy finally sidelined you?
I wish you happy dreams and increasingly happier days.
Thanks for sharing your memories of Daxton and your dreams. It helps me feel like I get to know him better, and lets me get a glimpse into you as a mom since I don't get to see you very much. Love you!
Hi I have been reading your blog since your little Daxton has gone to be an angel. I don't really know how to say this other than when I read your blog you faith inspires me to be a better mother. The detailed things you talk about that you miss or the little things you notice about your girls now helps me to not take things for granted and to make sure I realize what is truly important. I am so sorry about your little boy he is absolutly gorgeous. I know you will see your little boy again. I just wanted to thank you for being so honest and open during this tragic time in your life. I hope this make sense and does not sound like ramblings :)
Natalie
Hey I like to leave notes on here every once in a while to let you know I am still thinking of you and missing you. If u ever want to talk, just call. Hopefully we'll (meaning me, mom, rosie) be down soon to see you all and those cute new twins. Can't wait, miss you all like crazzy
You are pretty much the toughest person I know. I admire your strength. I love that you are making a Daxton box and I really want to sew some blankets for it. I will let you know when I actually get around to it (I'm all talk and no do when it comes to sewing!)
What a wonderful thing to experience- that your memories of Daxton return with this new pregnancy. That is so cool :) And congratulations on this new baby!
I love you. I love your beautiful Daxton so much. He is on my mind throughout each and every day. When I'm sitting holding my babies, very often I am thinking of Daxton and seeing his beautiful blues.
Sweet Dreams. Love Forever, Dran
We just went to Disneyland this week and there was a woman who had a little boy that look identical to my Jack. She told me that he was 18 months (Jack would have been 18 mos this month and Ironically, his name was infact JACK.) They were all playing in the water and when she took off his shirt...I wanted to grab him and hold him like he was my son. It got too hard and I had to walk away. I want to believe they are tender mercies...but sometimes it's hard to see it. Thinking of you. Lots and lots of love! Tif
I do not know you or your family. I am a friend of Bridgette Johns and once noticed your comments on her blog. I have briefly read of your great loss and your thoughts. They have touched me and helped prompt me to be a better mother, wife, friend, and person. I am teaching a Relief Society lesson today on the letters from Joseph to Emma. One of the things that I wanted to draw upon was cherishing the simple, everyday experiences and I could not stop thinking about your post, "If Daxton were still alive." I hope you don't mind if I share some of your thoughts on cherishing the everday and finding greater joy in our journey. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Know that your faith and fortitude in the loss of your sweet son has and will impact many others. God Bless!
You don't know me but I just joined the angel blog. I'm so sorry about your sweet little Daxton. He was beautiful! I have gained so much comfort from reading your blog and all of the others from the site. May God bless you in your pregnancy and in your grief for Daxton. From a mother that knows loss - Nicole Holland
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