Mommy, I really want Daxton

PS: This one is for me.

It was actually a miracle, tender mercy if you will, that we got these pictures when we did. I told my mom we were all wearing white... I was actually quite snotty about it, if you can believe it (LOL) but I really wanted us all in white. So the girls were in white dresses, Daxton was as he is, and Doug and I wore white shirts with khaki pants. Little did we know these pictures would be posted all over the place and used for his funeral program and the inspiration for so many gifts, friends, and family.

I have a video of Daxton in the bathtub. It is the only 1 minute and 30 seconds that I have of him. The girls love to watch it, they love to see him. They love to hear his voice and they ask for more, so we watch again and again and again. I must admit, that is what I want too. I just wish that I had more, but would it make it easier? Would it relieve the pain? No probably not. It would never be enough.

Today I was cleaning. It is easier now without a toddler toting in my arms. I had a house cleaner on a regular basis because I didn't see any point in putting Daxton down when I could hold him all day and have someone else do the cleaning. Mikenna was thinking... she is a thinker. I hollered for her to go get me the broom (she is sooooo soooo very helpful) and she comes in and says, "Mommy, I really want Daxton." And that is how my day started. I wanted to stop her and talk to her. I usually talk about him and let them talk about him whenever they want. They go in his room and play in his clothes (no, I have not yet put them away), put the babies on his bed and just be. How can I deny them that when that is exactly what I do. I lay on his bed where I used to snuggle him. I stand in his room where I stood so many nights with him. I feel his presence around the house, but most of the memories are there in his room, where so many hours were spent rocking and snuggling and singing all his favorite primary songs.

We were looking at pictures tonight of Daxton and came across the ones of the C section.... Savannah thought the blood was really cool. (I know traumatizing my children early, but Mikenna wants to be a nurse so what better timing than now?) She also liked the ones where I was crying... really all she had to do was just look at the 'water drops' running down my face while we were looking at them. Mikenna said, "Mommy is this when he was in Heaven? His spirit isn't there anymore, is it?" So intuitive. She gets it, she really does. She is a keeper, even when we have knock down, drag out fights..... yes a constant power struggle. We are too much alike.