If Life Were Easy.....

It wouldn't be hard

My brother Daniel recently left on a mission. I told him I was pregnant when he left, just mere 10 weeks ago (ish). Then I had to tell him I had a miscarriage, a D and C and the whole bit. He thought it over and in his next letter he said, "I have been pondering why bad things happen to good people." He then referred me to a scripture.... I didn't read it. I should. But I still struggle with why bad things happen, so we will just leave it be for now.

He was so sweet and so sincere. I can't believe how grown up he is in just a few short months. He leaves for Portugal on the 17th. It will be a great experience for him. He is quite the guy.

So I pondered why bad things happen to good people. Why does it feel sometimes that I am being crapped (my VERY good friend used this term and I thought it very applicable) on day after day after day after day?

I can't really answer that question.

I was a rotten teenager.... maybe this is my penance (no I don't really believe that). Or maybe I just need a lot of lessons to help me progress and become better (I sure would LOVE a different way). Or maybe I am such a chosen spirit that I "GET" to have all these trials because I am SO DANG AWESOME!!! (Ya. I hate it when people say, "Wow you must be really awesome to handle that trial." Ya. No. Or maybe I just need to taste the bitter again and again so that I can stop being so ungrateful for what the Lord has blessed me with. Or maybe He just wants me to be stronger. Maybe there is a greater purpose for me.

While I would NEVER have truly agreed to some of the trials on my block, I would not give up my sweet Savannah; she continually and constantly teaches me patience (by fire sometimes), self control (all those emotions and compulsions and she holds it together surprisingly well), unconditional love (no matter what I say or do she ALWAYS forgives me and loves me) I could do without the scars on my face, but they have taught me that looks aren't everything.

We all have scars. Some we can see and some we can't. That is how we learn and grow and become better. I really could have done without Daxton dying, but I would do it all over again, just to have him in my life to learn from him while he was here and when he was gone. He has taught me to appreciate my girls, everything they do. Good. Bad. Ugly. Anything. Of course I loved them before, but I might be a better mother because of it all (or worse, depending on the day and the stress level, which thank to school has been lessened tremendously).

Losing my job has forced me to find other ways to keep busy, to expand my knowledge, and to make a final decision of what I want to be when I grow up (well I have at least narrowed it to two). I was also able to spend the entire summer with the girls. 4 weeks of just them and me. It was fun, tiring, stressful, and OVER :). Pray that I will get a job soon. I am going nuts!!!!

The miscarriage taught me that losing a child is much much much much much did I mention it was MUCH worse? And that was that.

I think that the saying "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard" is an interesting one. It pops into my mind daily, following the thought of my precious little boy on the other side. I think of him often. And it hurts to the bottom of my soul. Especially when I look at Isabella. I see all that he was, all that he could have been, all that he won't be in this life, and then I think of all the joy I will have when I see him again. When all the trials in the world will no longer matter because I will know. I will know why we have had to suffer. I will know why I accepted these unbearable challenges. And it won't matter anymore. I wish it didn't matter now..... but it does.

Holding her:

Missing him: