I just spent an amazing weekend up at my parents cabin in Heber. It was COLD! We had to wear jackets (although we left ours in the the Valley because seriously, it is like 100 degrees here, how could it possible be 35 degrees anywhere else!).
Being it was conference weekend and I knew that I had to entertain my kids quietly for 8 hours of the 4 sessions of conference, I packed "projects," and lots of them. Sticker books, crayons, glue, paper, scissors, markers, pipe cleaners, beads, and puzzles. Turns out we only needed the sticker books grandma bought. THANKS MOM!!!
To preface, General Conference is where all the authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints give messages to the members. They write their own talks and choose their own topics. It is a time for us to grow spiritually and be uplifted, renew our goals to be better saints, to set new goals, to become better Christians, to improve ourselves. You can go to www.lds.org to learn, hear, or read the talks given by the general authorities of the church. The prophet is President Thomas S. Monson and he always gives great messages.
On Saturday we thought we would be able to get conference on the radio... turns out we didn't. SO we got all the kids dressed up in Sunday best and drove over to the church for the am and pm session. It was actually really great. I haven't ever been to the church for conference, we usually watch it within the walls of our home on TV. I truly felt the Spirit. I was more focused. Less distracted. I didn't mind being there at all and the girls did really well (thanks to grandma).
I was touched many times by many of the speakers, particularly Elder Scott's talk. I am still trying to process it. He told personal stories about his two children that he lost. He had a son who was born with a heart defect. He had a daughter who was born and died shortly after. Just 6 short weeks later, his son passed away after a surgery to fix his heart. I am still trying to process this. I lost Daxton. If I were to have lost another child just 6 weeks later, it would be many weeks, months, years before I thought life was worth living again.
Elder Scott then went on to say how important his temple covenants were, that he was sealed to his children, that he would one day be able to raise them and be with them again. And then 14 years ago, he lost his wife. With so much sorrow in his life, he gave his talk with such humility. He is not bitter. He is not angry. I don't pretend to know what his journey has been like all these years, how he has come to be at peace with all the sorrow. But. I know one thing. It has NOT been easy for him. AND. If he has somehow, after all this time come to find that peace, understanding, and willingness to submit to God's will, then I can someday as well. It gives me hope that I might wake up one morning (not so soon I am afraid) and say that I am "grateful" for the trials in my life. I am a long way away from that, but Elder Scott has given me hope.
The story of the woman who was forced to leave Prussia and go back to Germany, 1000 miles away with her 4 children and no husband (who had been killed) has left a sick feeling in my heart. On the way, she lost each of her children along the way. Did you catch that? She lost ALL four of her children AND her husband. What makes her or gave her the drive to get up in the morning. I can see NO reason to carry on after such losses. Yet she did. I don't know how she did. But she did.
The interesting part about losing a child is that if you told me 10 years ago that this would be my trial, I would have told you I would crumble into a thousand pieces (I did mind you, but somehow I have managed to put some of those pieces back together). I made a comment to my dad after Elder Scott's talk that if I had to lose another child, I would break and you might as well bury me with them. He said, "It is amazing what we can handle." At first I was really taken aback. Hello? Did I hear you correctly? Who says I can handle this? But he is right. Darn it. He is right. I get up every morning. I take care of my kids. I have a testimony of the gospel. I know that I will see Daxton again. I know that I will someday raise him. If this is what is meant to "handle" what I have been given, then I guess I am "handling" it.
Spiritually, I get it. I can get how we survive each of our trials. Psychologically? I don't get. My mind plays so many tricks on me it is scary. I see things. I hear things. (Maybe I am goin crazy, maybe I am normal) When I hold Isabella I have flashbacks of holding Daxton in my arms. Of calming him when he was upset. I remember how I never liked to watch him sleep. It was always disturbing to me. Now I know why.
Seems as though I have rambled enough for one night......
6 comments:
I love just reading your blog. Thank you for sharing it.
That story of President Monson's was horrifying, I agree. There must be some awful suffering in the world for him to feel the need for that over the pulpit. Combined with Elder
Holland's talk about the Atonement and never being alone . . . it was some Sunday morning!
When I had to leave the hospital without Dominic, I was devastated. Heartbroken. Crushed. Everything you know, because you left without Daxton. When I was being told Bridget would not ever wake up, and I was going to have to leave there without her... I *pleaded* BEGGED the doctor to find a way to change that. I more than earnestly prayed to God. He KNEW I couldn't handle it! And I can't. I haven't fully left the hospital. You talk about feeling crazy? Yes, people "survive" losing more than one child. When Dominic died, I found a site of a man who had buried three. Each child died in seperate situations. I couldn't imagine that I'd survive that. I haven't gotten to three, but two has taken such a huge toll. Processing... that is *exactly* what I'm still trying to do with so much of life's experiences. I like your perspective on Elder Scott, that at some point he has found a certain peace. Certain. Peace. I like your insight that he has gotten there somehow. I don't know if his wife ever did. A mother's tenderness and connectedness to her children *is* somewhat different than a father's (why I think Sariah murmured when she thought her sons were lost). I know, you can't be general in such personal things, but I do think their journey was together, but very individual. And I wonder if her peace came when she was able to finish her work here and be reunited.
I got the feeling from this session that if we think life is bad now, just wait. Things are getting more difficult. Here I am feeling so bewildered only having lost two children. There are women in Africa losing *all* of their children. Today! Now! Terrible things are happening RIGHT NOW, and we struggle with things of such less consequence. And yet, I think being still alive, we are not free from more trials to come. We will face more. And from conference, I get the sense that things are going to escalate and we may just find out that we will find it a "happy day" if we should perish before the "journey's through".
I thought of you often during the four sessions. I thought of how the talks would touch you after such a hard loss and trial. You continue to amaze me. Wow.
I loved every word of your post. Often you pin point exactly what I am feeling...but do it so beautifully in the form of words. I love you Brit.
You are right that your mind plays tricks on us. I think it's just trying to find any possible other scenario of what could have happened. I found (it's been 3 years for us) that before James died, I was a little bit lazy. After James died, I was REALLY lazy, sleeping, not getting dressed etc, but I found that my mind wasn't being Lazy, it was running a million miles an hour all day everyday trying to find answers. My mind was much more busy than my body, that's probably why my body was so tired was my brain was working so hard. Now 3 years out, when my mind doesn't have to work so hard and a lot of the answers I was seeking have been answered, I find myself trying to keep myself busy. I am more efficient with my time, more outgoing and have more ambitions than I thought I would ever have. I truly attribute this from my years of grief and the constant busy-ness of my mind. Take it easy don't feel bad about not getting out of bed until 8 or whenever it is you get up, lay in bed, your mind is well, running a million miles an hour.
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