Secret Santa

Last year for Thanksgiving, my mom's whole family (8 siblings and 40 grandkids) came to AZ to spend it with us at my aunt's house. We have a tradition of everyone going around in a circle and saying at least one thing that they are grateful for. Try as I may to avoid this tradition that was fairly painful, all I could muster up was I was grateful for eternal families. Then I said, "That's all I got."

Not a great attitude.... I know. But what could I expect? I was only about 4 months from the most heartbreaking, on my knees, cry in my pillow, can't get out of bed in the morning tragedy of my life. I am not going to say those days, weeks, or months don't happen anymore, but I have found more to be grateful for.

I am grateful this year for my husband. For what we have learned these last 16 months (has it been that long?) for how we have grown, together and separately. Of course I would have really liked to have learned in other ways, but this was the best way my Father in Heaven sees fit to teach me.

The past few months I have had inner struggles, trying to find deep down who I am, where I belong, and how I can become better. After any big trial in our lives, we look to what we are supposed to learn, what we have learned, and how we can apply what we have learned. Recently I have been asking myself some really tough questions. I hope one day to have those questions answered. By myself and my Father in Heaven.

This past week we were up north with Doug's family, for Thanksgiving, weddings, showers, you name it, we did it in 4 days. It was a whirlwind of a trip, but well worth it. While I admit not initially having a good attitude about it, I am grateful that we were able to spend the holiday with the Kunz's. It has been a long time.

Secret Santa? you might wonder the title of my post :). HOLD on. It is coming. Mom came to pick us up from the airport today and when we arrived in our driveway, we came upon this:

I nearly started bawling my eyes out. I haven't made it to the cemetery in awhile and have felt a little guilty about it. I just don't know how I can go to the store and pick out flowers and items that will look "good" on my baby's grave. Who does that? How is that right?

And so I have avoided it altogether. But when I saw his pictures in the tree with the blue ornaments, I knew he was being thought of, that I was being thought of. To know that there are those of you who are still thinking of my precious little one all these months later. Well. There. Are. No. Words. But thank you. Thank you so much.