In to the Future

I have a few vices. There is a particular show that I enjoy indulging in every once in awhile (ok, once a week) and a few weeks ago there was a particular part that struck me as very interesting. The comment was made, "I just wish that I could see into the future to know what would happen." To which the reply was, "But then you wouldn't be able to enjoy the here and now, you would always be wondering if today was the day that you were looking forward to."

I don't know if that makes sense, but it really struck a chord with me. What if you could see the future? Would you like what you saw? Would you really want to be able to the future, both good and bad?

In order to see the future, you wouldn't be able to change it once you saw it, because what good is it to know if on May 5, 2015 you were going to die in a car accident. Ok, you wouldn't get into a car that day. DUH! But I suppose you would live a little differently. I don't know. And we won't even get into the fact that our world as we know it would change because our agency would be taken away because we would know what was going to happen and by that alone we wouldn't have any choices. So we will assume that the future is unchangeable.

Well lets just say that that is a loaded question and I am going to do the best I can to answer it for myself. Sure, I would like to know the future. I would like to know if I am going to win the lottery, or if this is the business venture that will make me back all the money lost, or if I was going to go to medical school, or if I was going to travel the world, or how many kids I would have, or if they would all make the right decisions, or if my grandkids turned out awesome which would mean that I was an awesome mother.... but I wouldn't like to know all the challenges of life.

I wouldn't like to know that Daxton was going to die. I wouldn't like to know that there are milestones Savannah will never hit. I wouldn't like to know that I am the mother of "that child." I wouldn't have liked to know that at age 15 I was going to lose all self esteem after a car accident. And I don't believe that I would like to know when I was going to die or when I was going to lose my spouse, or if I would have to bury another child. No. Those are the things I would like to not know.

And this is why I don't want to know the future. I would be a wreck. You may as well just put me in my grave now and spare me the pain. I would never be able to live a "normal" day. I would never be able to enjoy the now, because I would always be preparing or thinking about that day in the future. And I would be overcome and crippled with the grief of the hardness of life. And what good would I be then?

No. I don't want to know the future. I would rather be blindsided and pick up the pieces after. Because I wouldn't know what hit me. It's deeper than that though.

There have been a few very key personal thoughts that have come to me to prepare me for certain situations/ circumstances in my life and in that I have seen the future. There wasn't a specific time table for these, but they were there. In the back of my mind. Taunting me if you will. But I couldn't/ can't dwell on them for too long, because my brain/heart just wouldn't/can't take it. There are things that are out of my control. And the future is one of them.

Now. If I could change the future, that would be a different post. Because my past wouldn't have happened and I suppose I wouldn't be who I am today. And maybe that would be sad. Maybe it wouldn't. I don't know.

Wow Jenny. This post could be a book, but I spose I will stop there.