So. I started a new job. 5.5 months ago. It’s been hard. Because I have to meet new people. And meeting new people terrifies me. Because people always ask questions and questions being asked lead to answers to those questions and people don’t always know what to say after they all the answers and then it is awkward.
I used to like making new friends. It was fun getting to know new people. Sometimes I make jokes about if someone at work talks to me then it was a good night. But it isn’t like I make too much of an effort. I mean I eat “lunch” at a time nobody else does just so I can avoid having to talk to anyone. So what does that say about me? Ok. I don’t really want to know.
I was on the canal with a close friend and we were talking about how making and meeting new people was overrated. I mean. Who has time? We have kids, family, extended family, church callings, work, and we are just plain busy. I had a co worker who made a funny comment, “I have to much **** already, I don’t need more friends.” I seriously laughed out loud. It was the funniest thing I ever heard. And then I thought it was sad. But now I can relate.
I made a promise to my canal friend that I would talk to at least one person at work that next night. And then I recanted, because seriously, who has time?
After pondering our conversation about not needing more friends, I really dug deep. I like friends. I mean. I have all of you J and I am grateful for you all. And I came to the conclusion that it isn’t about making new friends. It’s about opening up and letting them get to know me. The question inevitable comes along, “how many kids do you have?” and then the follow up question, “how old are they?” and usually I tell them 3 ages and they wonder what happened to the 4th one. And then I have to choose at that point to tell them or not to tell them or just to act busy and avoid it. And why do I do that? Because. I do.
I know that Daxton was/is a part of my life and to sum up his life in, “I have a son, he would be 3 but he died” just seems unfair. So I would just prefer not to. Cuz it’s too hard. Way. To. Hard. He was so much more than that. But after I tell them I had a child that died, they don’t know what to say and then I am not only the new girl, but “the new girl whose baby died.”
So making friends is terrifying for me. Especially when I have to tell my story. Because it makes me cry. And I don’t like to cry in public. I only like to cry in my closet on the floor and then tell you about it. Not actually let you see it.
7 comments:
I wish I was that friend on the canal again.
If it had been me (and I think I know who gave you such good advice), I would have commiserated with you. I live this same thing.
And, this friend has given me similar advice over similar issues.
And, she's usually right.
And, it's hard and I usually give up before I try too hard, and then I'm sorry.
Hope you're more of a man than me.
Today at the doctors I started getting really bad anxiety, knowing that I was going to have to tell them about my baby that died last year. As the nurse came in to do vitals and ask me the normal questions, I started breathing heavy waiting for her to ask me if I've had any pregnancies. Sure enough, it came..."Have you had any pregnancies?" "yes, 1", I said. "Was it a live birth?", she asked. "yes", I replied. "good!" She said. I waited a few seconds more, and she didn't say anything else. "NO! ACTUALLY IT'S NOT GOOD!" I wanted to say!
Even right now I get worried to ask other people that question, "How many kids do you have?" I'm so paranoid about making other people uncomfortable and being insensitive, because I notice it too much now with other people. I know I asked it a lot when I went out to lunch with all of you, and I thought, "Why am I asking this!? I don't even know what to say!?"
I do definitely avoid a lot of people right now.. especially those who come up and go, "How you doing??" uhhhhh fine now get away from me cause you're not going to help me anyway.
I wish I could say I have No Idea what you're talking about but I do. I hate it. It's not fair that we have this beautiful wonderful child that we love and adore who died and all anyone who doesn't understand can see is that he died. But I wish I could say yes but he lived!! and he will live with me again!! I WISH it was not so hard to meet new people and explain "Our Story".....I am going to post something bout the way I feel bout this! Hope you don't mind.
I love your whole story and your outlook. You have made a new friendship...me:) I love your honesty,bluntness, and dry humor. Anyone who gains your friendship is lucky.
I love your whole story and your outlook. You have made a new friendship...me:) I love your honesty,bluntness, and dry humor. Anyone who gains your friendship is lucky.
Ya, I just say "and my son Gavin would be 3" and go right on to "and Olivia is almost 2". Then if they feel awkward, they don't really have to acknowledge the fact that obviously one of my children died. And if they go on to avoid me, well, good to know they aren't awesome-friend material anyway, lol. :) I can always tell how good of friends someone will be by how they react to that. So in a way, its kind of nice to quickly find the ones who don't treat me like a freak from then on.
~Bethany
I have never met you but you are mutual friends of several people that I know. I must say that I have read your blog and cried many times. I don't know you, yet I wish I did. I am sure that there are so many people out there that can be touched by your story...prepared for something in their future by your story, and I believe that even though it is hard, your story needs to be heard. I could be wrong but there are probably a lot more people that can relate or understand than you even know. I think you are amazing and I am always touched by your testimony and experiences.
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