Before and After

Before June 9, 2008, I had only known one person who had lost their little boy Jacob. My heart ached for them when I saw pictures of their family with only a snapshot of Jacob in the background. I wept for them and felt overwhelming sorrow for them.

I loved to see Daxton coming down the hall and I put this hat on him and really thought he was a doll.

I never thought that the day would come when I would feel much the same way they do. I never thought I would have to reference the "before" and "after." My life was very much different in the "before" than it is here in the "after." I feel I have become a stronger person. (that which doesn't break you makes you stronger). I know that I have a long way to go before my heart completely heals and actually dread the day I don't have sorrow for my little angel boy. But I would really like to find the joy in the sorrow, because this is too much at times.

Savannah had a sleep study and it showed that she had 9 episodes of sleep apnea per hour. So we decided to get her tonsils out.
This is the morning before we went to the hospital.

I frequent blogs of fellow moms who have lost their little children and one of them I found, the mom stated on her side bar (paraphrasing) that she is not the same person she was "before" the her baby passed away and those who expected her to be the same "after" were not going to find that person any longer. I feel that I have become a different person. Sure I have the same likes and dislikes as I did before but I was talking with my aunt today about SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and how to prevent it (she is pregnant with twins and of course we all worry something will happen to our babies). I told her that we really can't prevent God's will. At the same time, I wouldn't encourage wrapping your baby in a million blankets and putting them on a pillow while they sleep just to try out this theory, but we can keep our children as safe as we know how, but inevitable it is in God's hands. We need to align our will with God's.

Daxton loved the iPod. He loved to watch the "ducky" movie and the "Three Little Pigs"

I believe I have mostly done this throughout my life. I am an "acceptor" of the gospel to an extent. There isn't much I question, because I KNOW it to be true. I just know. I have from the time I was VERY young known that the gospel is true, so why question every single doctrine and principle taught by the leaders of our church? On the same note, I believe our knowledge will deepen as we study each of those doctrines and principles taught. I have just never really questioned them.

For family home evening, the girls and Doug planted a garden. The girls would take turns pushing a very unhappy Daxton in his cute pink stroller around the yard while the other one helped to plant the garden with Daddy. This is the corn about a month after :).

Lately, I have hoped and prayed that the Plan of Salvation is true and I have also prayed that the time I see my baby Daxton will come soon. I have gained a sure understanding of the Doctrine of the plan of salvation and have pondered and studied the ways in which I might be worthy to one day return to my Father in Heaven and raise my son.

Inside the "hurricane" (how appropriates) we all survived!!!
Lauren, Stephanie, Annie, Mikenna, Brittany

The Girls dressed up Lauren, Annie, Mikenna

Savannah dressed up like a firefighter
(notice the 5 missing teeth!!!)

I have gained a deeper knowledge of the "Plan" and have really been trying to better myself in all aspects of my life. Some days are better than others. Some days it is easier and some days it is harder to do what is expected of me, but as I do them to the best of my ability I feel that the atonement will make up for my shortcomings.

Mikenna has been taking ballet from Erica Sohlberg and
has enjoyed every minute of is. This is at her recital.
She is ok when everyone is doing the same thing,
but if she has to do it alone? Yeah right!!!!

Mikenna graduated from preschool... Is that right?
No not really. Here she is with all her friends
at her preschool graduation party.

I wanted to post some pictures and memories of the kids....PS they are soooo not in order :)

My Forever Child

My cousin sent me a beautiful pendant of my Daxton's footprint on one side and his "Chubba Wubba" and his dates. Along with the pendant was a poem. I would like to share it with you.

You are a precious Child
Created out of love,
a blessing from above.
I've adored you from the start, and you little footprints touched my heart.
A single teardrop represents
the millions I have cried.
My life never the same since you died.
I wish you could have stayed longer with me.
I'd watch you grow into all you could be.
Although we are apart,
You are always in my heart.
I dream of a joyful time when
we will be reunited once again.
Thoughts of you make me smile.
You will always be My Forever Child
By Susan Mosquera

These are my thoughts and feelings today.

Rainy Days

This is the most beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful, heart felt, truly a likeness to my baby Daxton. I saw this painting and the painter asked me if I thought there was anything I would change about it. Truly she captured my son in every single way. Her talent will forever amaze me. She never met Daxton, only saw a few pictures and was inspired to choose this one. The painting itself is like a 20 by 24. It is huge. It is like having him in my home, I feel him when I am near this painting. His eyes, cheeks, and hands are so real in this picture. He looks like he is looking to Heaven, but really he is looking at me, which makes me all the want to cry. Thank you Sister Miliron. You do BEAUTIFUL work and truly captured the spirit and likeness of my son.

I never have really cared for the rain. All growing up, I didn't want my hair to get wet when I went out in it because it would get all messed up. It was really annoying. Then I went to Ricks (BYU-I... I am old) and it would snow. I didn't mind the snow because it wasn't really "wet" per se. It also meant that it was "warm" outside. When people said it was, "Warm enough to snow," I thought that they had all gone mad. Warm at 30 degrees? How is that possible?

Well that is mostly beside the point. As I sit here listening to the rain, I see how appropriate it is for my mood. It is like the heavens are mourning. They mourn for me, they mourn for others who have lost children, they mourn for those who are suffering unbearable trials, they mourn for those who have cause to mourn. The rain is indicative of my mood this evening.

The past few days have been wonderful. I have been surrounded by people whom I love and hold dear to my heart in every way. Except for one. The rain shows my emotions, from the cloudy skies to the big drops, to the small drops, to no more drops as if there are not any more tears to be shed. When I go into my "spot" and bury my head, the tears start out big, the sobs start out noisy, then they go to the small drops with just sniffles of sorrow, and when I have run out of tears for the time being, they stop altogether. Just like the rain.

The great thing about rain is that it stops. I sometimes feel like I live with a cloud over me, so I am glad I don't live in very rainy country, it would do nothing for my mood. When the rain stops, the clouds part and the sun shines through. It always does. It is like God's way of telling me that the sun shines eventually and you will eventually be able to enjoy it. Now don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a good sunny day, but every once in awhile I need a rainy one.