Fighting with a Two Year Old

Isabella is a peach. Really. She is. You've seen her pictures. She is cuter in real life. And her personality is just as cute.

Well. She has recently started climbing out of her crib. Ok it could arguable be called a play pen. OK! It IS a play pen and yes. I don' t have a crib. We threw it away..... So Isabella sleeps in a play pen. For now. She has recently decided other choices are full of more comfort. Such as MY bed. Or Sannah's bed. Or the NO bed for that matter.

OH dear. I used to enjoy her sleeping in until 11am. Yes, that reads 11am and she goes to bed at 8pm. And takes a nap! Ok. Let's recap that. She USED to sleep in until 11am. She USED to nap. She USED to go to bed at 8pm.

Ok. I admit. I am a poor mother who needs HELP. I haven't had to "wean" from a crib to a bed since Mikenna. And now I am at a loss. How do I keep her in her bed? Is it CPS worthy if I lock her in her room at night? Will you turn me in to CPS because I even had that thought in my head? Cuz trust me, it's either the lock on the door or ...... You all know. You've all been there.

So do you have any tricks of the trade that have worked good for you? Because me and my two year old are fighting. AND SHE IS WINNING!!!!

But in her defense, she IS cute.

New Friends

So. I started a new job. 5.5 months ago. It’s been hard. Because I have to meet new people. And meeting new people terrifies me. Because people always ask questions and questions being asked lead to answers to those questions and people don’t always know what to say after they all the answers and then it is awkward.

I used to like making new friends. It was fun getting to know new people. Sometimes I make jokes about if someone at work talks to me then it was a good night. But it isn’t like I make too much of an effort. I mean I eat “lunch” at a time nobody else does just so I can avoid having to talk to anyone. So what does that say about me? Ok. I don’t really want to know.

I was on the canal with a close friend and we were talking about how making and meeting new people was overrated. I mean. Who has time? We have kids, family, extended family, church callings, work, and we are just plain busy. I had a co worker who made a funny comment, “I have to much **** already, I don’t need more friends.” I seriously laughed out loud. It was the funniest thing I ever heard. And then I thought it was sad. But now I can relate.

I made a promise to my canal friend that I would talk to at least one person at work that next night. And then I recanted, because seriously, who has time?

After pondering our conversation about not needing more friends, I really dug deep. I like friends. I mean. I have all of you J and I am grateful for you all. And I came to the conclusion that it isn’t about making new friends. It’s about opening up and letting them get to know me. The question inevitable comes along, “how many kids do you have?” and then the follow up question, “how old are they?” and usually I tell them 3 ages and they wonder what happened to the 4^th one. And then I have to choose at that point to tell them or not to tell them or just to act busy and avoid it. And why do I do that? Because. I do.

I know that Daxton was/is a part of my life and to sum up his life in, “I have a son, he would be 3 but he died” just seems unfair. So I would just prefer not to. Cuz it’s too hard. Way. To. Hard. He was so much more than that. But after I tell them I had a child that died, they don’t know what to say and then I am not only the new girl, but “the new girl whose baby died.”

So making friends is terrifying for me. Especially when I have to tell my story. Because it makes me cry. And I don’t like to cry in public. I only like to cry in my closet on the floor and then tell you about it. Not actually let you see it.

In to the Future

I have a few vices. There is a particular show that I enjoy indulging in every once in awhile (ok, once a week) and a few weeks ago there was a particular part that struck me as very interesting. The comment was made, "I just wish that I could see into the future to know what would happen." To which the reply was, "But then you wouldn't be able to enjoy the here and now, you would always be wondering if today was the day that you were looking forward to."

I don't know if that makes sense, but it really struck a chord with me. What if you could see the future? Would you like what you saw? Would you really want to be able to the future, both good and bad?

In order to see the future, you wouldn't be able to change it once you saw it, because what good is it to know if on May 5, 2015 you were going to die in a car accident. Ok, you wouldn't get into a car that day. DUH! But I suppose you would live a little differently. I don't know. And we won't even get into the fact that our world as we know it would change because our agency would be taken away because we would know what was going to happen and by that alone we wouldn't have any choices. So we will assume that the future is unchangeable.

Well lets just say that that is a loaded question and I am going to do the best I can to answer it for myself. Sure, I would like to know the future. I would like to know if I am going to win the lottery, or if this is the business venture that will make me back all the money lost, or if I was going to go to medical school, or if I was going to travel the world, or how many kids I would have, or if they would all make the right decisions, or if my grandkids turned out awesome which would mean that I was an awesome mother.... but I wouldn't like to know all the challenges of life.

I wouldn't like to know that Daxton was going to die. I wouldn't like to know that there are milestones Savannah will never hit. I wouldn't like to know that I am the mother of "that child." I wouldn't have liked to know that at age 15 I was going to lose all self esteem after a car accident. And I don't believe that I would like to know when I was going to die or when I was going to lose my spouse, or if I would have to bury another child. No. Those are the things I would like to not know.

And this is why I don't want to know the future. I would be a wreck. You may as well just put me in my grave now and spare me the pain. I would never be able to live a "normal" day. I would never be able to enjoy the now, because I would always be preparing or thinking about that day in the future. And I would be overcome and crippled with the grief of the hardness of life. And what good would I be then?

No. I don't want to know the future. I would rather be blindsided and pick up the pieces after. Because I wouldn't know what hit me. It's deeper than that though.

There have been a few very key personal thoughts that have come to me to prepare me for certain situations/ circumstances in my life and in that I have seen the future. There wasn't a specific time table for these, but they were there. In the back of my mind. Taunting me if you will. But I couldn't/ can't dwell on them for too long, because my brain/heart just wouldn't/can't take it. There are things that are out of my control. And the future is one of them.

Now. If I could change the future, that would be a different post. Because my past wouldn't have happened and I suppose I wouldn't be who I am today. And maybe that would be sad. Maybe it wouldn't. I don't know.

Wow Jenny. This post could be a book, but I spose I will stop there.