Let it be known: I am in NO way shape or form grateful that my little chubba wubba died. HOWEVER, I am grateful for all I have been blessed with since he died.
I have been able to renew friendships.
I have started a blog that will be a journal and a keepsake for me and my family.
I have had my cousin Brooke visit me 2 times in one year!!!!!
I have had my in laws come down to see our house and where we live and what we do. (And it has been SO much fun)
I have had a beautiful new baby Isabella who has been truly a blessing in our lives.
I appreciate my girls more.
I don't take for granted what is right in front of me.
I enjoy the "now" and don't "wish" away the time.
My testimony has been strengthened.
I have been able to learn many new "projects" or "homemaking" skills if you will, (although I really could do without them, if I had my little man)
There is a deeper love in my home.
There is a deeper appreciation for life.
There is an increase in compassion for others.
When I hear of a tragedy, I don't just think about it in passing, I mourn for those involved in the tragedy.
I have more empathy.
I have experienced the depths of depression and come out on top (a number of times).
I have more compassion towards those who suffer from depression.
I have co-created a "Daxton Box" so that other families might know they are not alone.
I have met so many wonderful new people, made so many new lifelong friends, and hopefully touched the lives of others for the better.
I have knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, that it is real, and that I will be able to return to my son and raise him some day.
I have a deeper love for my husband and my family.
I mourn for those that mourn and try to comfort those who need to be comforted.
I wish every day that I could bring him back, that I could rewind the clock nearly 10 months and do it all differently, but alas, it isn't so. I hope that when I do see Daxton again, that I will be worthy to raise him, that his life will have been worth being taken from me, that I will be a better person for enduring such a tragedy.
These are the blessings I am grateful for.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Lighter Note
This last week, I had my FAVE cousin Brooke in town with her SWEET little family. We had so much fun doing NOTHING!!! That is the best. When you can get together with someone, do absolutely nothing, and have SO much fun.
Her kids are absolutely HILARIOUS. I never knew there could be so much drama. It was fun to watch and I just died laughing about every other conversation I had with them. Riley is 5 and Mason is 3.
Here are some funny little tidbits from the weekend:
Riley: She came in from outside and serious as a heart attack says,
"Daddy, I want to catch a bird. Do you think that I should get a box and set a trap for it? Or should I paint myself green and brown and stand really still like a tree so the bird can land on me?"
I thought I was going to PEE my pants it was so cute.
Mason: Mikenna and Riley wanted to paint their nails... so they did, purple, blue, silver. And Mason wanted to paint his too. It was so cute. We have some "clear" purple and pink, so I told Mikenna to use those colors. He came in and Brooke asked him to put his cars away. His reply,
"Mommy, I can't touch my cars because my fingernails are wet." LOLOLOL!!!!
Savannah: As you woman might know, March Madness has begun. If there is a time I could live without, now would be it..... Doug and Aaron watched basketball all the day long. Well Savannah got sick of it, grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. She told daddy,
"No more football." To which he replied,
"It isn't football, it is basketball" took the remote from her and turned the TV back on. She then took back the remote, turned the TV back off, and said,
"I am going to put it up high, so you can't reach it." Then stood up on her tippy toes and put it as high as she could.
Oh Savannah, you are a treat!!!
Her kids are absolutely HILARIOUS. I never knew there could be so much drama. It was fun to watch and I just died laughing about every other conversation I had with them. Riley is 5 and Mason is 3.
Here are some funny little tidbits from the weekend:
Riley: She came in from outside and serious as a heart attack says,
"Daddy, I want to catch a bird. Do you think that I should get a box and set a trap for it? Or should I paint myself green and brown and stand really still like a tree so the bird can land on me?"
I thought I was going to PEE my pants it was so cute.
Mason: Mikenna and Riley wanted to paint their nails... so they did, purple, blue, silver. And Mason wanted to paint his too. It was so cute. We have some "clear" purple and pink, so I told Mikenna to use those colors. He came in and Brooke asked him to put his cars away. His reply,
"Mommy, I can't touch my cars because my fingernails are wet." LOLOLOL!!!!
Savannah: As you woman might know, March Madness has begun. If there is a time I could live without, now would be it..... Doug and Aaron watched basketball all the day long. Well Savannah got sick of it, grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. She told daddy,
"No more football." To which he replied,
"It isn't football, it is basketball" took the remote from her and turned the TV back on. She then took back the remote, turned the TV back off, and said,
"I am going to put it up high, so you can't reach it." Then stood up on her tippy toes and put it as high as she could.
Oh Savannah, you are a treat!!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
No amount
I hesitated posting these raw feelings. Don't judge me. It is but in this moment that I feel this way.
Oh my sweet baby,
No amount of loving on Isabella. No amount of loving on other babies. No amount of projects. No amount of pictures or memories or substitutes will bring you back to me. None. Nothing.
A piece of me died with you. A piece of my heart broke when you died. A piece of me will forever be lost because you are not with me on this earth.
Oh how I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your slobbery kisses. I miss not having to brush by comments that might be hurtful to me or offend me. I miss not having to ignore comments that might offend me or not say comments that might offend others because I am offended or hurt their feelings. I miss being 'normal.' I don't like this new normal. It hurts. It sucks.
I should have two babies at home with me. I should have one more spot in my car filled. I should have to have bought another crib or toddler bed for you. I should have seen you walk and talk and say mommy. I should be crazy with 4 kids. But alas, I am not. A part of me is missing. A part of me died with you.
I hate that I can't look at pictures of you. I hate that I don't ALWAYS think of you. I hate that I don't have time to cry. That I put it off until I can't hold it any longer. I hate that when I hold Isabella I wish it were you in my arms. I hate that I feel like a bad mother for thinking so. I hate that when I think of Isabella as a one year old, (which she may not make it to because who knows if she will be with me or if she will be taken away) that I think of you and wish you could be here. I hate that it has been over 9 months and I still have the very same raw emotions perk up that I had the moment I found out you had left me. I hate that there are other moms who have to lose their children.
I wish that I could take that hurt away from those moms and pile it on to my grief. I wish that when I woke up to a crying baby it was you. I wish that when I held a crying baby it was you. I wish that I could take you out and walk the halls at church. I wish that when I opened the doors to nursery I saw you playing with the playdough. I wish that you were under my feet so that I could step on you, that you could slobber all over your shirt and get boogers all over and when I took you out in public people would think I was a bad mom because I made you wear wet clothes and didn't wipe your nose. I wish you were here to wave by to me when I went to work. I with that you were here to greet me when I came home. I wish that you were here to toddle around and complain you weren't getting any attention while I was nursing Isabella. I wish that you were here so that Mikenna could play with you. So that she wouldn't have to ask to have other little babies come over and play just so she could have a 'substitute.' I wish that I didn't need a substitute. I wish that when there was a substitute for you that it wasn't really a substitute.
I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to raise you.
Love,
Mom
PS For all of you who read this, please kiss your babies. Please don't take them for granted. Please take this moment to try to choose to do one thing better tomorrow.
Oh my sweet baby,
No amount of loving on Isabella. No amount of loving on other babies. No amount of projects. No amount of pictures or memories or substitutes will bring you back to me. None. Nothing.
A piece of me died with you. A piece of my heart broke when you died. A piece of me will forever be lost because you are not with me on this earth.
Oh how I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your slobbery kisses. I miss not having to brush by comments that might be hurtful to me or offend me. I miss not having to ignore comments that might offend me or not say comments that might offend others because I am offended or hurt their feelings. I miss being 'normal.' I don't like this new normal. It hurts. It sucks.
I should have two babies at home with me. I should have one more spot in my car filled. I should have to have bought another crib or toddler bed for you. I should have seen you walk and talk and say mommy. I should be crazy with 4 kids. But alas, I am not. A part of me is missing. A part of me died with you.
I hate that I can't look at pictures of you. I hate that I don't ALWAYS think of you. I hate that I don't have time to cry. That I put it off until I can't hold it any longer. I hate that when I hold Isabella I wish it were you in my arms. I hate that I feel like a bad mother for thinking so. I hate that when I think of Isabella as a one year old, (which she may not make it to because who knows if she will be with me or if she will be taken away) that I think of you and wish you could be here. I hate that it has been over 9 months and I still have the very same raw emotions perk up that I had the moment I found out you had left me. I hate that there are other moms who have to lose their children.
I wish that I could take that hurt away from those moms and pile it on to my grief. I wish that when I woke up to a crying baby it was you. I wish that when I held a crying baby it was you. I wish that I could take you out and walk the halls at church. I wish that when I opened the doors to nursery I saw you playing with the playdough. I wish that you were under my feet so that I could step on you, that you could slobber all over your shirt and get boogers all over and when I took you out in public people would think I was a bad mom because I made you wear wet clothes and didn't wipe your nose. I wish you were here to wave by to me when I went to work. I with that you were here to greet me when I came home. I wish that you were here to toddle around and complain you weren't getting any attention while I was nursing Isabella. I wish that you were here so that Mikenna could play with you. So that she wouldn't have to ask to have other little babies come over and play just so she could have a 'substitute.' I wish that I didn't need a substitute. I wish that when there was a substitute for you that it wasn't really a substitute.
I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to raise you.
Love,
Mom
PS For all of you who read this, please kiss your babies. Please don't take them for granted. Please take this moment to try to choose to do one thing better tomorrow.
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