Upside Down

I have thought a lot about writing this post and if I should or not... but here goes. I was going to post a picture of me doing a hand stand 8 months pregnant, but I will spare you all (and truth be told. me).

I had expected that Christmas would be a difficult holiday for me to endure. I anticipated Christmas Eve walking around the temple looking at lights arms empty, reading the Christmas story and acting out the parts missing the "baby" Jesus, and opening the pjs and missing one more pair would be difficult. I had prepared myself, even prepped myself, told myself that Daxton wasn't supposed to b here with us this Christmas, that Father in Heaven needed him more than I did. I knew it would be difficult.

Through all the events described above, I felt a warm peace, a blanket of security. I knew Daxton was near. I knew that he was helping me through this holiday season. Christmas Eve and morning actually turned out way better than anticipated. My heart didn't hurt near as much as I thought it would. I didn't feel the emptiness that I thought I would. It was another day with people whom I loved.

Then the decorations came down, Christmas was over, and a new year had begun. I scrubbed my house top to bottom, cleaned out all "the drawers" and closets and toys and cupboards that I have been meaning to for the last year. I wanted to start fresh. And then it happened. It always does. There are the highs and then there are the lows. Lately I have been trying to pull myself out of this low.... chocolate chip cookies, ice cream from cold stone, popcorn, late night movies, diet cokes.... all to no avail, I just feel fatter :).

I actually didn't expect that the new year would bring some sorrow, but it has. It will be the first of many full years without my little man. It will be the first of many years I will have to endure the trial that I have been given. It is interesting to watch myself go through these unexpected cycles of grief. It truly just comes out of nowhere. I think I am doing good.... and then bam it hits like a ton of bricks. It isn't fair. When does it stop? I am 7 months out. I can't believe that it has been that long, yet has it really been that long? I think that it never goes away, the waves of grief continue, just a little differently.

This year for Christmas I made a Daxton stocking and put what I wanted to do this year to better myself so that I might be able to return to him and be with him and raise him. Each night the girls pray that Daxton will know how much we love him and that we will choose the right so that we can live with him again, and we discuss ways to choose the right. They are simple for them now, but it will be more difficult as they get older. I hope that I can instill in them the desire to always want to do what is right so that we can be with Daxton again.

I was talking with my Aunt this afternoon who will be 80 on her next birthday. She has accomplished all that she wants to in life, she has set her goals and made them, she is living as righteously as she knows how. She is read to go. It will be sad when she dies, but she won't be sad when she goes. There are many loved ones in Heaven that are waiting for her. Oh how I envy her, she is so close.

There were some napkins at work we used on New Years Eve that had these listed: gain 10 pounds, work out less, eat more chips, and be late for work. I actually thought they were humorous. While they are not my personal goals, they would be attainable for me, but wouldn't necessarily make me a better person. This year I have set a few goals. I want to fulfill them so I have chosen a few that are actually attainable. There is no use in setting goals that you fail before you even start.

It is a new year. We should try new things, begin anew. January is a good month, a month to start over, a new beginning.

Fun at the cabin

Isn't she just adorable. This is on the balcony at the cabin. We had so much fun, doing NOTHING!!! Well I didn't do anything, just laid around because I could barely breathe in the altitude.

I just love these pics with Uncle Danny. I like to get the walking ones from behind. I think they are sooo precious. Daxton wasn't quite old enough to walk just yet so I don't have one of him... oh sad.

Here are the girls on the sled. Grandma is pulling them. I think Mikenna is just making this funny face for fun. :)

Grandma with Savannah on the Tobbogan. Looks like they had a great time!!

On Christmas Day night and mom and Mikenna were outside on the Toboggan. This is at the top of the hill......

Then they went backwards and were at the bottom of the hill..... LOL!!!
And then there was Grandma getting up after she fell..... Sorry mom, these were TOOOO hilarious not to tell.

At the "cabin store," which is really the Family Dollar Store, grandma bought Mikenna some slippers and you wanted pajamas. These are what we came home with. You love love love them! Wore them day and night for a week.

Here Mikenna is out in the snow.... it was SOOO stinkin cold and she is just running around. She loves the cold and she loves the snow! Well kind of.

My Beautiful Girls

Savannah:

Oh my dear sweet Savannah. How do I count the many ways I love you? Tonight you wanted to listen to music to go to bed, but we were in Uncle Adam's room and I am too blonde to know how to turn on the iPod home, so I asked if it was ok if I sang to you. You said that would be ok. So we sang "I am a child of God," the song we sang at Daxton's funeral. You knew all the words. I am not sure why I didn't have you sing it at the funeral. It would have been lovely :). Then we sang "Twinkle Twinkle" and you sang all the words. After that I think you had one more song in you. "Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam." You were out before I finished, snoring your little heart out.

There is never a dull moment when you are around. You always bring a smile to my face, even when I am frustrated with you, or when you repeat all the endearing terms I use to discipline you and your sister, like, "mind your own business," "be nice," "I'm so frustrated." You know them all and you repeat them.... much to my well, it is my fault I guess.

At church you have to say "hi" to all your favorite people and they all love you. There is no getting you to Primary unless you have made the rounds. Everybody loves Savannah. You truly are a special little girl.

Tonight at the dinner table, you batted your eyes, and in your sweetest voice asked, "Papa Craig, me have a question." "Papa Craig, me have a question." I corrected her, "I have a question." "Papa Craig, I am have a question." In the meantime, Adam and Daniel (my brothers, your uncles, are asking if they can say the prayer). Finally, you got his attention. "Can I say the prayer?" Last week, we gave Logan a turn and it just broke your heart. I guess Papa couldn't resist or torture us another week, so he let you say it. You ran over and gave him a big kiss. We told you to sit down at the table and you looked at us and said, "I'll be quick." Oh you are a hoot!!!

At grandma's tonight, you were trying to get your uncles to give you what you wanted. In the midst of all that, they would make you tell them who was your favorite. It was very funny. You really know how to get what you want with your little smile. Sure love you little sis!

I think I just might be a little sad tomorrow when you have to go back to school.

Mikenna:

Daddy and I were talking the other day about what a special little girl you are. To have a special sister like Savannah and a special brother like Daxton, Heavenly Father sent you especially for us, because you were so special. You are a great "big" sister to Savannah. You look out for her and keep her in line. Sometimes you forget I am the mother... but I know I forgot a time or two when I was your age, bossing my siblings around :).

Tonight you reminded me that we needed to read scriptures. You like to find the pages when I tell you the numbers. You are pretty independent in just about everything and you really like to do it by yourself. Your little temperament is very similar to mine and I have to remember that most days.

We have a picture viewer that we have put pictures of Daxton on and whenever you are sitting on the couch you turn it on so that you can watch him. Tonight you were watching it and telling us all who was in the pictures. I know how you miss your little brother. You have such a tender heart.

When you pray, you pray that we will choose the right so that we can live with Daxton again. I hope that this will always be the case. That you will always choose the right, no matter what. I hope that I can teach you and be a good example to you. You are such a special little girl.

I love to hear you giggle. When your uncles tease you, you are so patient with them and you giggle when they chase you or when they are playing with you. It is fun to watch you grow. Sometimes you get a little upset that Savannah is in first grade and you are just in pre-K, but don't let the years pass to quickly for me sweetheart. They will come and go soon enough.

The other day I heard you in the playroom with you books and you read the word "cat." I was so impressed. I stopped doing what I was doing and just listened to you. Then you came running in all excited about the cat you drew. I made a big deal about it and the look of happiness on your face said it all. You and Savannah built a fort the other day and were so excited to show me. I couldn't believe you did it all by yourself and you were so considerate to think of Savannah. She couldn't climb over the top so you had placed a chair for her to climb on and jump into it. I am not so sure it was the safest thing to do, but you are so thoughtful of her needs.

I love you both so much and will miss you a tinge when you go back to school. :)