I received this beautiful poem in the mail, just a day after my 6 month mark.
It is called "The White Rose"
All the earth's mothers were gathered together at God's garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and tended in the garden. A loving Father spoke to the mother: "See the works of My hands, someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits."
The garden glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors. "Choose ye," He said. Now in the east corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. One by one the mothers stepped forward. "I want the blue-eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country."
The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of earthly home.
Once again the loving Father spoke, "But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness, they will not stay long in your home, for I must bring them back to my Garden for they belong to me, but they will gain bodies as was planned. you will miss them and long for them, but I will personally care for them."
"No, not I," many said in unison. "I could not bear to give one back so soon." "Nor I," said the others, "We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives."
The loving Father looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in His eyes for someone to step forward. Silence. Then He said, "See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones? I chose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone choose like unto Him?"
A few mothers stepped forward. "Yes, Lord, I will." Then another, " I as well," "Yes, Lord we will." Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of the mothers. The Father spoke again, "Oh, how blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time."
The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such endearment. Each mother knew they could endure the task. And the greatest of all the white ones, gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks, and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each Mother who bore the weight of the 'White Rose,' would feel the overwhelming love of God, as they all shouted, "Thy will be done."
While my perspective now is limited to my mortal human eyes, I have to believe that I new the Father's plan before I came here. I don't know why or how I would have previously agreed to losing a child here on earth, but I know that I will see my Daxton again and that I will raise someday raise him.
As Elder Wirthlin said at this last General Conference, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
has it been that long?
Well yesterday marked 6 months that my little Daxton became an angel in Heaven. The actual day itself wasn't that bad. This road of grief is much like a roller coaster. There are highs and lows, goes fast and slow, and I am still waiting for someone to let me off. The days seem to go by so fast. How can he really be gone already for 6 months. 6 more months and he will have been away from me longer than he was actually here with me.
And yet, time seems to go so slow. Has it only been 6 months? It seems like eternity! Some may ask if Mondays are hard for me, or if the 9th of every month is tough. Well? If I could only be so lucky that there were only 5 planned days a month that I lose it. What a relief! Such as it is, it is not the case. It is almost every other day that I cry myself to sleep, wetting my pillow with tears of sorrow. Only to wake up to another day without Daxton.
I get out of bed and carry on. I make cookies with the girls, do puzzles, and play memory with them. While they are at school, I sneak in the occasional nap or run the mounds of errands or work on the never ending "list" that we all make. I look around me and I have never seen so many little 18 month olds running around. I try to picture what Daxton would look like. What would his personality have developed into? What words would he be saying? Would his eyes be even more captivating? How would I do his hair and what size clothes would he be wearing? Would he like to wear the hats and tennis shoes I bought him? These questions are not to be answered.
Of course I miss him, of course I grieve his loss. I think that this roller coaster ride is never ending. There are times when we go around a corner and get slapped in the face with fear. Fear that I won't make it another day without him. There are times of fun, time I spend with my girls, making memories that will be long lasting. At times it goes fast and I wonder where the time went, what a ride it has been, and times it goes slow, will I ever be done with this ride? Will I ever not cry myself to sleep at night? Will I get to a point where I am grateful for the loss I have suffered? Will I learn all that my Father in Heaven wants me to learn?
And yet, time seems to go so slow. Has it only been 6 months? It seems like eternity! Some may ask if Mondays are hard for me, or if the 9th of every month is tough. Well? If I could only be so lucky that there were only 5 planned days a month that I lose it. What a relief! Such as it is, it is not the case. It is almost every other day that I cry myself to sleep, wetting my pillow with tears of sorrow. Only to wake up to another day without Daxton.
I get out of bed and carry on. I make cookies with the girls, do puzzles, and play memory with them. While they are at school, I sneak in the occasional nap or run the mounds of errands or work on the never ending "list" that we all make. I look around me and I have never seen so many little 18 month olds running around. I try to picture what Daxton would look like. What would his personality have developed into? What words would he be saying? Would his eyes be even more captivating? How would I do his hair and what size clothes would he be wearing? Would he like to wear the hats and tennis shoes I bought him? These questions are not to be answered.
Of course I miss him, of course I grieve his loss. I think that this roller coaster ride is never ending. There are times when we go around a corner and get slapped in the face with fear. Fear that I won't make it another day without him. There are times of fun, time I spend with my girls, making memories that will be long lasting. At times it goes fast and I wonder where the time went, what a ride it has been, and times it goes slow, will I ever be done with this ride? Will I ever not cry myself to sleep at night? Will I get to a point where I am grateful for the loss I have suffered? Will I learn all that my Father in Heaven wants me to learn?
Monday, December 8, 2008
Breakfast with Santa
On Saturday, we had breakfast with Santa. We arrived at the church and Savannah was SO excited she could could barely stand it. This is a great thing about Savannah. She gets excited over EVERYTHING... other people's birthdays, toys, gifts, accomplishments, seeing people she knows, riding the bus, going to school, and especially anything to do with Santa. It is great! So onto breakfast. We were in line and the announcer told us Santa was coming in. I knew I had to take hold.... well I seeing that I am like 10 months pregnant, holding 3 plates, trying to appease Mikenna (no small feat), when Santa entered the room, Savannah tossed her plate aside and bolted as fast as she could, "Hi Santa, Merry Christmas. Give me a hug."
He was a very kind Santa and obliged a little girl her request. It was all we could do to hold her in one spot after that, although food usually holds her for as long as she is eating it. After we ate breakfast, we stood in line to tell Santa what we wanted for Christmas. Seemed like forever. We finally made it to the stage where she "cut" in front of another little girl. Mikenna said, "Savannah you can't cut." Too late she was already on Santa's lap telling him she wanted panties, pajamas, and clothes. Kind of embarrassing. Mikenna to our surprise also sat on his lap and although she has told me that she does not want any more clothes because we have too many in the drawers already, she told Santa she wanted clothes.
The rest of the morning was filled with painting ornaments (trying to keep paint off the clothes rather), coloring pages, and waiting for the raffle to be over. We didn't walk away empty handed although my ungrateful children didn't want what they had won..... kids these days, just spoiled and more spoiled... we have grandma to thank for that :) LOL! Overall, breakfast with Santa was a real hit!!!
He was a very kind Santa and obliged a little girl her request. It was all we could do to hold her in one spot after that, although food usually holds her for as long as she is eating it. After we ate breakfast, we stood in line to tell Santa what we wanted for Christmas. Seemed like forever. We finally made it to the stage where she "cut" in front of another little girl. Mikenna said, "Savannah you can't cut." Too late she was already on Santa's lap telling him she wanted panties, pajamas, and clothes. Kind of embarrassing. Mikenna to our surprise also sat on his lap and although she has told me that she does not want any more clothes because we have too many in the drawers already, she told Santa she wanted clothes.
The rest of the morning was filled with painting ornaments (trying to keep paint off the clothes rather), coloring pages, and waiting for the raffle to be over. We didn't walk away empty handed although my ungrateful children didn't want what they had won..... kids these days, just spoiled and more spoiled... we have grandma to thank for that :) LOL! Overall, breakfast with Santa was a real hit!!!
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