Mommy, I really want Daxton

PS: This one is for me.

It was actually a miracle, tender mercy if you will, that we got these pictures when we did. I told my mom we were all wearing white... I was actually quite snotty about it, if you can believe it (LOL) but I really wanted us all in white. So the girls were in white dresses, Daxton was as he is, and Doug and I wore white shirts with khaki pants. Little did we know these pictures would be posted all over the place and used for his funeral program and the inspiration for so many gifts, friends, and family.

I have a video of Daxton in the bathtub. It is the only 1 minute and 30 seconds that I have of him. The girls love to watch it, they love to see him. They love to hear his voice and they ask for more, so we watch again and again and again. I must admit, that is what I want too. I just wish that I had more, but would it make it easier? Would it relieve the pain? No probably not. It would never be enough.

Today I was cleaning. It is easier now without a toddler toting in my arms. I had a house cleaner on a regular basis because I didn't see any point in putting Daxton down when I could hold him all day and have someone else do the cleaning. Mikenna was thinking... she is a thinker. I hollered for her to go get me the broom (she is sooooo soooo very helpful) and she comes in and says, "Mommy, I really want Daxton." And that is how my day started. I wanted to stop her and talk to her. I usually talk about him and let them talk about him whenever they want. They go in his room and play in his clothes (no, I have not yet put them away), put the babies on his bed and just be. How can I deny them that when that is exactly what I do. I lay on his bed where I used to snuggle him. I stand in his room where I stood so many nights with him. I feel his presence around the house, but most of the memories are there in his room, where so many hours were spent rocking and snuggling and singing all his favorite primary songs.

We were looking at pictures tonight of Daxton and came across the ones of the C section.... Savannah thought the blood was really cool. (I know traumatizing my children early, but Mikenna wants to be a nurse so what better timing than now?) She also liked the ones where I was crying... really all she had to do was just look at the 'water drops' running down my face while we were looking at them. Mikenna said, "Mommy is this when he was in Heaven? His spirit isn't there anymore, is it?" So intuitive. She gets it, she really does. She is a keeper, even when we have knock down, drag out fights..... yes a constant power struggle. We are too much alike.

The things we do....

Went to JoAnn's the other day... to get some yarn for one of my many projects :), and was standing at the checkout line. These lines are always about 10 years long because everyone who needed something that day came at the exact moment that I happened to walk into the store, not to mention there is only one checker, occasionally two. The first checker is in high school and has no care in the world, the other is a cute little grandma who is still in training.

As I am standing in my line that consists of me, the four people in front of me, and the four people in back of me, I pick up a very appealing, complementary magazine. It has many patterns and designs of clothes I would never even dream of making, but they sure are cute. I am perusing this magazine when I happen upon the end. I turn it over to see if there is anything on the back, AND THERE IS!!!

There are so many 40% and 50% off coupons to JoAnn's I think I just might go crazy. Now I am thinking to myself... "don't tell all these other people what I just scored upon, we wouldn't want them to know my 'free' secret." So I inconspicuously place the magazine under my shoulder, after all it is complimentary.

When I get to the checkout the checker says, pointing to my magazine, "Is that yours?" Hello what kind of question is that? Of course it is I am thinking, Well it is now... I reply, "Yes," trying hard NOT to say, "DUH!!" I carefully rip out one of the magically appearing coupons and hand it to her. Actually today I don't need it because the items I am purchasing are on sale. YEAH, I can save them for another day.

I put the magazine and the items in my bag and tote out to the car. I show Doug my good finds and then I show him the coolest magazine, because it has all these coupons on the back and seriously how are all the people in line so DUMB that they didn't see it and use them? He looks the magazine over and sees "Suggested Retail Price $2.99." Boy do I feel like an idiot.

I sheepishly replaced the ripped out coupon and raced into the store (ok the pile outside on display because I seriously can't face the high school cashier whom I previously had thought was oblivious to the world, when really it was ME) placing very carefully my "complimentary magazine" that only costs $2.99 (der) per issue. Wow am I blonde or what? It was a good laugh on an otherwise plain day.

Do you have a laugh to share? Sometimes I have such rotten days that a laugh or humorous story or joke makes me smile. Loves to all!!!

Halloween and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Savannah

Today Savannah turned 7 years old!!! Can you believe I have a 7 year old? I sure can't. She brings so much joy to us. She is the life of the party. Tonight she told us all to fold our arms so we could say prayer and then when it was time to open presents she told us OK time to start singing Happy Birthday. It was awesome.

Here is Savannah blowing out her candles. She had told me previously "no cake" so we had pizza and rice krispie treats. For those of you who know what a special diet she is on.... know this about near killed me, but we need to live a little every once in awhile, even if it means to sacrifice before or later.

And Savannah opening her presents. She got away with a loot. Thanks everyone for all the presents! They continually sort and play and sort and play.

Will it never end? Nope. They just kept coming and coming and coming.

This is Savannah at her school halloween party and Bday party. I wish that we could post some more pics, but this is the internet and I must respect the other parents by not posting without their permission. We had dirt pudding for a snack. Savannah was so excited to see us! She introduced us to all the kids in her class. It was great.


We had a visitor in the form of a gorilla. Savannah really took to him. Makes me a little worried about how fearless she really is.


These of course are the scrubs that we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning. Savannah has on red pants underneath the Thomas tomp. They thought it was something else. I was very happy with how they turned out and will not likely ever touch a sewing machine again :).