Pieces

PS no sugar coating tonight....

Today I got the most beautiful hand and foot molds of my baby. It was quite a site when we were at the mortuary with 3-4 of us holding Daxton's body steady while we captured these last few mementos of him.

I carefully and strategically placed them on the shelf where they would not be bothered and took all the care in the world for them not to get broken. They are in a glass shadow box, the hand and foot mold. Well we were making a big deal about them and mom came over to see them, my sister came over to see them. I proudly showed them to Doug. A tiny oversight was Savannah. She wanted to see them too.

Problem is she got the lid off the shadow box (without breaking it) and then the hand mold fell to the ground and shattered. She immediately started saying sorry sorry sorry.... all I saw were the pieces of my baby's hand mold shattered on the ground. I screamed. Then I yelled at Savannah to get to her room (she is quite lucky that something or someone was holding me back from really losing my temper) and she sorrowfully went onto her bed. I threw an adult size temper tantrum, shutting myself in my room and just screaming and crying into my hands and a sweatshirt to muffle the sobs.

I know they are just things and Savannah I think felt really bad, but it was almost like losing Daxton again. The one piece I had of him was shattered to bits on the floor. My perfect little baby no longer in my arms, broken. The pieces left from the hand mold were scattered all over the floor, just like the pieces of my life right now. I tried to glue the hand mold back together. It certainly doesn't look the same, but it is symbolic of my reality. I am trying to fit myself back into the life that I "used" to have and somehow it just doesn't fit quite right.

And so it is, I have to take the "new" pieced together hand mold and my "new" pieced together reality and form new realities and new memories.

After a long work out at the gym, I am feeling a little better. Nothing like burning some calories and shedding some anger to bring you down from a temper tantrum. It is the best therapy I can come up with. I am grateful my body still allows me to do such activities.

Roller Coaster

In September of 2007, I had just barely found out I was pregnant with Daxton. We also had planned a trip to Disneyland (good thing I wasn't showing) and I was taking the girls, my brother Daniel and my very good friend Kami. It was a blast!!!! The girls had fun. We met Granny and Grandpa Kunz and the boys there. Of course, we hit the beach and I was a basket case trying to keep the kids from getting to close to the water.

Savannah was filling her swim suit with sand and Mikenna of course was telling on her. I think she even wandered off on this trip and went begging for food. Talk about a heart attack I was having. Well we promptly left after that to go back to the hotel and get something to eat....

I have a little secret for those of you who go to Disneyland. Yes the Flex pass of whatever it is called is a good way to roll, but if you really want to hit some rides over at California Adventure, the best time to go is about 9pm. It closes at 10pm, but EVERYONE is going over to Disneyland for the fireworks show. And I mean EVERYONE... ok not everyone, because Kami and I flew over there in a rush and no kidding rode almost all the rides at least 4 times in about 45 minutes. It was seriously awesome.

The ride that is in the hotel and it falls like a million stories and goes back up and back down really fast. No idea what it is called, but it was SUPER fun and what a RUSH!!! I am not typically a daredevil so to speak so it was shocking!!! We also visited the roller coaster with its ups and downs and upside downs. Talk about seriously disturbing, but we went on it about 5 times and by the 4th time, we were still a little woozy. Even after going 4 times we were still leary of it and hadn't quite got used to it.

That is kind of where I am at these days. I have been on this roller coaster for 12 weeks today. Sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes the good days last 5 days and then I get a slew of bad days. It is very interesting how it all comes together in one big crash. One minute I will be ok and the next.... well I hop on the roller coaster and hope it will eventually stop. As the roller coaster at California Adventure stopped, so the roller coaster of emotions that I ride do as well. I feel a roller coaster is coming on... I always try to post pone them but most of the time it just makes it worse. We will see.

loves to all!!!
PS I love that picture of Daxton. It really captures his smile and baby blues. :)

News from the Kunz's

WOW two posts in one day....

Just wanted to let you all know that I am expecting a baby girl Jan 23rd ish. We actually found out I was pregnant just before Daxton passed away. I was excited because he would have a baby brother to play with and run around and play with, rather than just sisters :). They were going to be soooo close in age, well not that close, but closer than the girls. Now I will have an almost 5 year gap and people who don't know me well will wonder... "hmmm I wonder why the 5 year gap" and then they will ask, and then they will wish they wouldn't have....

While I really thought it was going to be a boy, I was a little shocked to find out it was a girl (maybe they are wrong... but not likely at almost 20 weeks). Who knows, maybe it will come out a boy and the ultrasound tech will have been wrong, of course then imagine all the pink I will have to put away, and so much for painting Daxton's room blue... well we will cross that bridge when we get there, I am rambling.... as usual.

The baby won't be a replacement of Daxton, obviously, but maybe some of the void in my heart will be filled. A baby brings much joy to a family.

Just wanted to let you know why I was gaining HUGE amounts of volume and weight in odd places.

loves