Puzzle Pieces

I have a friend who loves puzzles. She will do 1000 piece puzzles in a few days and 3oo piece puzzles in under a few hours. I am amazed each time I watch as she carefully places each piece of the puzzle in the correct spot. Only one piece can go it its own space. No two pieces are the same and no two pieces are interchangeable in where they lay in the puzzle. When the puzzle is complete, it is a great piece of work, planned with thought very carefully by the creator.

There are a million different pieces to this puzzle of the tragedy that we bear. Many people were involved and there were many players in putting it all together. Just one piece placed in a different spot would have completed a different puzzle for sure.

Here are a few pieces of the puzzle I am sure of:

1) I am sure that I was supposed to go to Havasupai. It was where I was supposed to be. I had only left my children one other time and we had been planning this trip for months. I had my reservations about my safety and the difficulty of the hike, but I knew that it was where I was supposed to be.

2) I knew that something bad was going to happen. I didn't know what or who or how, but I knew. I moped all the way to Havasupai and was even quite a bit mopey while we were there. I knew that this was a time for Doug and I to grow closer. So why did I leave you ask? I knew just as sure that I knew something bad would happen that I also needed to go. I have struggled deeply with this, but I know that God had a bigger plan for me.

3) I know that it was my sister who needed to watch my kids. I know this.

4) I know that my Heavenly Father is a true and loving Father in Heaven and He chose Monday morning to take my little baby home, so that I would be able to be there in the hospital. I am glad He chose Monday rather than any of the other days, because there would have been no way to contact me and if there was, it would have been very hard to get off the reservation with alternate plans.

5) The staff at the hospital was the best of the best. After talking with a few of the nurses they recalled that they would not have asked for anyone different on the team there for Daxton.

All these events and many others were orchestrated such that not one instrument was out of tune and no one was playing off key. Heavenly Father's plan is bigger than me. The pieces of my life are put together according to His will and my agency.

I am finally able to share pictures from the day of the funeral and the viewing. I thought that I was going to burn all these pictures, but am now grateful that I just put them in a folder deep in the heart of my computer. This is only a small part of all the effort that went into the viewing and the funeral preparations. It looked beautiful. Everything except for the occasion was PERFECT!!!

The picture was taken right before we left the viewing the night before the funeral. I was kissing my baby good night for the second to last time.
There is always something to laugh about when Savannah is around . For those of you who know her, you know just how true this is....I do not envy the role my father played during all this. He was the one who made "the phone call." When we got to the top of the mountain , I checked my phone as soon as I had service. When I saw there was a message, I knew that it could not be good news. My hands were shaking as I tried desperately to get a hold of my mom, dad, anyone.... I finally did and well let us just say, it was not pretty. We may have been crazy, but I knew that little Daxton wanted us to speak at his funeral. I had previously asked my dad to do "special memories" but then we both came to the conclusion I was supposed to speak about the "special memories" and dad was to share his thoughts.

This was the last time I kissed my baby good night. I have another picture, but it is too full of heartache. So I decided to spare myself the embarassment.

So throughout this whole crappy day, I was glad that my hair looked FANTASTIC!!!! and this dress made me look 10 pounds lighter..... coul
I am grateful for my girls. They give me a reason to get up in the morning, when all I want to do is stay in bed. They make me smile and they make me laugh.

These are all the girl cousins that were at the funeral. I am so glad that they were all able to make it. All of Doug's brothers and sisters were able to make it. It was so heartwarming to see them all make the effort and sacrifice to be with us on this day.

The "little" things

No matter what the act of service is, big or small, it never goes unnoticed. Here is a tribute to those who give service to others in need.

Through this "uphill" in our life, we have been blessed with many kind words, thoughts, and actions. I would like to share just a few. If you are not listed on here, it means that there is not enough space in cyberspace, but I still know who you are and love you VERY much for all that you do.

-Thank you to the City of Mesa and those who made it possible for Doug and I to have a plane chartered from Kingman so that we could be at the hospital with our little boy.

-Thank you to the team at the hospital who were so good with my family and took such good care of us when we finally arrived.

-Thank you to those who made any and ALL contributions to help pay for the funeral services. Who would have thought it would be so expensive. To all of you out there who have kids, get riders on them and then take out a private policy. It is morbid.... I know, but what is 1.50 a month?

-Thank you to all who brought food to my house when I could barely get out of bed in the morning. It was nice to not have to worry about the basic human needs.... not that I was meeting any of those needs. I sure liked the 10 pounds I lost that week, but they liked me too and came back :).

-Thank you to all those who call, email, send notes or packages to the girls, or stop by, just to see how we are doing.

-Thank you to "Sister" Bienz whom Savannah adores and loves to see at church on Sundays.

-Thank you for the yummy treats; cakes, cookies, cinnamon rolls, rolls, and all things chocolate.... and the gift certificates to cold stone or the banana cream pie shakes from sonic.....they are doing nothing for my figure, but they sure help on a not so good day. For those few moments, I can focus on the "tasty" things in life. (Hence the 10 pounds back...grin)

-Thank you to Grandma Walter who stops by in the morning or afternoon to give Savannah a hug and a mint, just because she wants her to. The other day Doug asked Mikenna where grandma was and she replied, "At work, at the store, or buying me something"..... yes she is SOOOO right

-Thank you to Granny Kunz who sends packages to help the girls day a little brighter. They get so excited when they check the mail and there is a letter, card, or better yet a BOX with their names on it.

-Thank you to all those of you who continually pray and support and love us despite our faults, my flakiness (cancelling all things last minute, just because I "don't feel like it." ) Or better yet, forgetting all together.

-And thanks to Steph, my new found friend, who truly understands.

Loves to all!!!!!

Tiny Tidbits

I thought I would share some funny "tidbits" about my girlies and others :)

We will start with Savannah:
*Savannah has lost 3 teeth!!! I can't hardly believe it. She doesn't seem old enough to have lost so many. She did lose them all about the same time, so that leaves her pretty toothless.... VERY cute. I asked her if she wanted to put it under her pillow. She agreed that was a good idea, so we carefully placed it in an envelope. Well later on that evening, Doug was putting the girls to bed and Savannah says, "Daddy, I don't want the Fairy to take it, put it up high..." Very funny!

*Tonight during FHE, we were singing a song and Savannah as usual has to get in the "zone" with her full size childrens song book, which seriously is TWO times her size, and then she leads and sings all the words to "I am a Child of God." For those of you who know Savannah, you understand this is a HUGE milestone for her.

*So she started school today and was SO excited! She ran to the bus, tripping along the way, because her backpack weighed two times her weight soaking wet. She got on the bus and promptly pointed to the door and said, "Ok mom, GO!!" RUDE!!!!!

And on to Mikenna
*I was laying by Mikenna on Saturday night and out of the blue, she says, "Mommy, when I start school it is going to be sad." I said (knowing the answer), "Why do you say that?" To which she smartly replies, "Because you are going to be home all by yourself.... but don't worry mommy, you can have my bear." Oh yes, and a sad day it was. Normally I would relish in my solitude, but today was a painful reminder of what was not.

*Mikenna had her first day of "pre-K" today and had a great time. When we arrived at school, I asked her if she was nervous. She said no, but when we pulled up to the school, she said, "Mommy, maybe we could stay in the car for a minute." So we did. We got to her classroom and the teacher was having all the kids line up against the wall with their backpacks against the wall and Mikenna was a bit nervous. Luckily a little friend from church arrived and she could stand by her. After school, the teacher repeated this routine with the kids. Mikenna saw me and I waved her over.... not wanting to disobey her teacher, she looked at me and then went to her teacher, told her, "My mommy is here," gave her a hug and ran over to me. What a girl.

*Today she was playing with one of my friends little boys about Daxton's age and Mikenna said, "Mommy he is not as big as Daxton huh?" I said no he is not, but thought, he will be soon. She is so good with little kids. I think she misses Daxton. She talks about him all the time. "Mommy that is Daxton's favorite toy, huh?" "Mommy Daxton used to go like this...." and then she will show me what he would do.

Me
*Yeah so I went back to work.... It was fine. I was fine when I got there. I was fine when I left work. It was however, VERY sad to only have my girls at the door waving to me in the drive. Daxton was always in Doug's arms when I left for work and I just sobbed all the way to work.

*I have a list a mile long to get through this year while the grilies are in school. I fear I will never get it all done.... so today I did what I could do and ignored the list and watched a movie..... DUH!!!

*There is officially a marker at Daxton's grave. It is not the permanent one, but one nonethless. I went and saw it. It actually looks good. I couldn't stay long though, made it seem a bit more permanent. Not that it wasn't before, but seeing his name on top of his grave.... well I can't really describe that feeling. I keep saying in my head that 50 years is right around the corner, but it seems so long that I will see him again.

*Doug and I had a Guitar Hero standoff, and I must confess, he gave me a run for my money.... but in the end I came out the winner. I think he could sense a little bit of misery and endless wo if he didn't concede :).