So I have an aunt with twins who are about 10 weeks old... ish. I tended them one time. It worked out well because Mikenna held one and I held the other. The problem of sharing arose when Savannah came home from school. I quickly realized I will have very little face time with "baby sister" in the house.
A few Sundays ago, Mikenna had one twin and I had the other at my moms and I made the comment that I spose I needed two babies because one wouldn't be enough for sharing. Well after I voiced this observation, Mikenna quickly said, "Mommy, we have two babies, baby sister and baby Daxton."
Oh my sweet little angel. (All of them)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Nesting + Insomnia
Not such a good combination.... well maybe. And lucky for me, I seem to be suffering from both. It will likely catch up to me though, going to bed at 2am and rising in the morning with the girls. Again, lucky for me, we have gates up (a whole other post) to keep my Savannah safe and the girls will just play until we wake up, well sort of.
Anyhow. I seriously suffer from MAJOR insomnia when I am not pregnant, which makes for a good combo because I work nights and sleep during the day and need very little sleep compared to most to function. Nesting? Well I am not really sure what defines it, because I always feel like I need to scrub the bugs and germs (the nurse in me) out of my house and well being pregnant is no different.
EXCEPT. I have been going where I haven't been for a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time. You know "the drawer(s)" or the "closet" or the "room" or the "cabinet" that you tuck stuff away in so people think your house isn't cluttered, but really you are just REALLY good at hiding all the junk that comes your way by banishing it to these unscene places? I have been going there. OH my goodness. Sorting through mounds of toys, loads of garbage bags, scrubbing places in my house I didn't even know existed, rearranging furniture and so many other things I shouldn't be doing.... all at 1am in the morning.
But hey that is when it is quiet! One might think, why don't you sit and read a book or watch TV? Oh sister friend, wouldn't I love to be free of this neurosis I have with a clean and organized house. Too bad so sad, it is in the blood. I have been through the living room (VERY EASY), the kitchen, well the pantry looks like crap but that is a whole other week project, and I do have one more cupboard to go through, but seriously? It is like the devil in there. SO MUCH CRAP!!! Been through the family room, put up all the decor mom bought me for Christmas (THANKS MOM), and well now I just have like 10 rooms left!!! Will keep yall posted on the success of said cleansing.
Typically I have a house cleaner, yes it is a luxury I enjoy. I will give up just about anything for her. She doesn't come super often, but often enough I just have to wipe stuff down and lightly sweep before she comes again. But no one cleans your house like you do.... and seriously? My middle name is side track. Queen of walking into a room with every intention of doing one thing and totally completing another and another and another. Pretty soon I am out of time and forgot what I was trying to do in the first place. Which is why a house cleaner is SO nice. They don't get side tracked in your clutter. You pick it up before they come, they clean, and you make a mess of it when you get home :)
Alas, it is 1am in the morning and I should get some sleep. Although it is REALLY over rated in my book and I still have a little bit of energy to scrub bathrooms. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I guess mounds of laundry and bathrooms are a good place to start. Sure wish I had a good book to read instead as an excuse to just lay around and grow a baby :) LOL. If you have any suggestions of good books, I am all ears.
Good night for now.
Anyhow. I seriously suffer from MAJOR insomnia when I am not pregnant, which makes for a good combo because I work nights and sleep during the day and need very little sleep compared to most to function. Nesting? Well I am not really sure what defines it, because I always feel like I need to scrub the bugs and germs (the nurse in me) out of my house and well being pregnant is no different.
EXCEPT. I have been going where I haven't been for a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time. You know "the drawer(s)" or the "closet" or the "room" or the "cabinet" that you tuck stuff away in so people think your house isn't cluttered, but really you are just REALLY good at hiding all the junk that comes your way by banishing it to these unscene places? I have been going there. OH my goodness. Sorting through mounds of toys, loads of garbage bags, scrubbing places in my house I didn't even know existed, rearranging furniture and so many other things I shouldn't be doing.... all at 1am in the morning.
But hey that is when it is quiet! One might think, why don't you sit and read a book or watch TV? Oh sister friend, wouldn't I love to be free of this neurosis I have with a clean and organized house. Too bad so sad, it is in the blood. I have been through the living room (VERY EASY), the kitchen, well the pantry looks like crap but that is a whole other week project, and I do have one more cupboard to go through, but seriously? It is like the devil in there. SO MUCH CRAP!!! Been through the family room, put up all the decor mom bought me for Christmas (THANKS MOM), and well now I just have like 10 rooms left!!! Will keep yall posted on the success of said cleansing.
Typically I have a house cleaner, yes it is a luxury I enjoy. I will give up just about anything for her. She doesn't come super often, but often enough I just have to wipe stuff down and lightly sweep before she comes again. But no one cleans your house like you do.... and seriously? My middle name is side track. Queen of walking into a room with every intention of doing one thing and totally completing another and another and another. Pretty soon I am out of time and forgot what I was trying to do in the first place. Which is why a house cleaner is SO nice. They don't get side tracked in your clutter. You pick it up before they come, they clean, and you make a mess of it when you get home :)
Alas, it is 1am in the morning and I should get some sleep. Although it is REALLY over rated in my book and I still have a little bit of energy to scrub bathrooms. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I guess mounds of laundry and bathrooms are a good place to start. Sure wish I had a good book to read instead as an excuse to just lay around and grow a baby :) LOL. If you have any suggestions of good books, I am all ears.
Good night for now.
Friday, December 26, 2008
My letter to Daxton
Hi my little precious angel boy. This Christmas was just not the same without you. I put up the trees and had anticipated you pulling off all the ornaments or putting the lights in your mouth or unwrapping all the presents because you thought it was fun to play with paper or you running around with cookies and treats in your mouth and getting sticky hands. But alas, that was not the case.
On Christmas Eve, I woke up and began organizing my closets, drawers, moving furniture, and cleaning the house of all the clutter. In the midst of all that, I heard "Angel Eyes" the song Lyndy wrote and I walked out to see what was going on. Daddy had turned on the video of the pics he put together with the song. I sat down with the girls and began wiping the snot and tears with my sleeves. It was all I could do not to completely lose it when Mikenna looked at me with concerned eyes and said, "Mommy, I really want Daxton to come home." My reply, "Me too baby, me too."
I think it was emotional day for your big sister as well. They were watching Air Bud the puppy movie and I walked into the room and Mikenna was wiping her eyes when the boy was telling Air Bud to go away, because he didn't want him to go back to his mean owner. My heart hurt for her.
Later on, we went to the cemetery. They were able to get your bench done on the Monday before Christmas. It was all installed and everything. Your picture looks so great. I can really hardly stand to see it. It just seems so final. I can't really fathom that your little body is buried underneath all the dirt and granite. How sad it is. Oh so very sad. We spent a few minutes there with all your aunts and uncles and took a silver Christmas tree (I had to beg the cashier at the store to give me the floor model). We had chosen a blue stocking to put on it, along with a snowman Mikenna chose at the store. We took pictures of the girls sitting on the bench and then we left. Sorry, I didn't feel much like singing, but in my heart I was singing for you. I hope that you heard me.
We then went to the temple to see the lights and it was so different walking around. Last year I held you in my arms and worried that you would be cold. I saw a friend who had her baby in a sling, just like I held you last year. My arms were a bit empty. I missed you. I know you are in a better place, but what can be better than in my arms or with daddy, Savannah, and Mikenna who all love you and miss you so much. After that we went to grandma's to open pajamas. I had actually bought you some footies awhile back. I will have to find someone who could use them.... the girls had fun opening their presents. I couldn't help but think of how much fun you would have had tearing open the paper. This year you would have been old enough to kind of appreciate it... ish.
As we were sitting there, I had a thought come to me that I am glad for what I have, for those around me that are with me and for the girls whom I get to raise. An overwhelming love and appreciation for your sisters swelled within my heart. Losing you has been so hard, but I have really developed a deeper love for the girls and also for you. Not that I didn't appreciate them when you were with me, but I surely wouldn't have experienced this type of love if I hadn't lost you. I don't know if that makes sense. When I think of you being gone, it just doesn't make sense sometimes. It all seems like a dream at times.... a very very bad dream.
On Christmas the girls woke up and we "opened the gates" and let them out. We sang our song and went into the tree after waiting for grandma, grandpa, and your aunts and uncles to come watch them open them. Then off to grandmas and grandpas for breakfast and more presents. YEAH!!! We love opening more presents.
We are now at the cabin. All 4 of us crammed into one room. We are just missing a playpen with you in it. I feel your loss this season, but I think it isn't any more than I feel the loss at other times. I guess I am on a slew of "good days" just waiting for the ax to fall and me to crumble. But for now I am grateful I didn't have to endure the holiday on a series of bad days.
I am grateful for the birth of my Savior. I am grateful you are in His presence this season. This is the first of many Christmases without you and I can't even fathom it, but it is also the first of many Christmases you will spend in the presence of Jesus. I miss you little man. More than my heart can bare most days, but I know you are safe. I feel you with me when I am in my darkest hours. Thank you for taking some of the pain away when I am at my worst. I wish you were here with me. I think I will always have that little hole in my heart.
For our gifts to you this year, I had an angel stocking made for you and we all put something in it that we wanted to do to be better people. It could be anything. I wanted us to set a goal that would get us closer to you so that we might be able to raise you someday and be worthy of you. I love you my son. Continue to watch over us.
On Christmas Eve, I woke up and began organizing my closets, drawers, moving furniture, and cleaning the house of all the clutter. In the midst of all that, I heard "Angel Eyes" the song Lyndy wrote and I walked out to see what was going on. Daddy had turned on the video of the pics he put together with the song. I sat down with the girls and began wiping the snot and tears with my sleeves. It was all I could do not to completely lose it when Mikenna looked at me with concerned eyes and said, "Mommy, I really want Daxton to come home." My reply, "Me too baby, me too."
I think it was emotional day for your big sister as well. They were watching Air Bud the puppy movie and I walked into the room and Mikenna was wiping her eyes when the boy was telling Air Bud to go away, because he didn't want him to go back to his mean owner. My heart hurt for her.
Later on, we went to the cemetery. They were able to get your bench done on the Monday before Christmas. It was all installed and everything. Your picture looks so great. I can really hardly stand to see it. It just seems so final. I can't really fathom that your little body is buried underneath all the dirt and granite. How sad it is. Oh so very sad. We spent a few minutes there with all your aunts and uncles and took a silver Christmas tree (I had to beg the cashier at the store to give me the floor model). We had chosen a blue stocking to put on it, along with a snowman Mikenna chose at the store. We took pictures of the girls sitting on the bench and then we left. Sorry, I didn't feel much like singing, but in my heart I was singing for you. I hope that you heard me.
We then went to the temple to see the lights and it was so different walking around. Last year I held you in my arms and worried that you would be cold. I saw a friend who had her baby in a sling, just like I held you last year. My arms were a bit empty. I missed you. I know you are in a better place, but what can be better than in my arms or with daddy, Savannah, and Mikenna who all love you and miss you so much. After that we went to grandma's to open pajamas. I had actually bought you some footies awhile back. I will have to find someone who could use them.... the girls had fun opening their presents. I couldn't help but think of how much fun you would have had tearing open the paper. This year you would have been old enough to kind of appreciate it... ish.
As we were sitting there, I had a thought come to me that I am glad for what I have, for those around me that are with me and for the girls whom I get to raise. An overwhelming love and appreciation for your sisters swelled within my heart. Losing you has been so hard, but I have really developed a deeper love for the girls and also for you. Not that I didn't appreciate them when you were with me, but I surely wouldn't have experienced this type of love if I hadn't lost you. I don't know if that makes sense. When I think of you being gone, it just doesn't make sense sometimes. It all seems like a dream at times.... a very very bad dream.
On Christmas the girls woke up and we "opened the gates" and let them out. We sang our song and went into the tree after waiting for grandma, grandpa, and your aunts and uncles to come watch them open them. Then off to grandmas and grandpas for breakfast and more presents. YEAH!!! We love opening more presents.
We are now at the cabin. All 4 of us crammed into one room. We are just missing a playpen with you in it. I feel your loss this season, but I think it isn't any more than I feel the loss at other times. I guess I am on a slew of "good days" just waiting for the ax to fall and me to crumble. But for now I am grateful I didn't have to endure the holiday on a series of bad days.
I am grateful for the birth of my Savior. I am grateful you are in His presence this season. This is the first of many Christmases without you and I can't even fathom it, but it is also the first of many Christmases you will spend in the presence of Jesus. I miss you little man. More than my heart can bare most days, but I know you are safe. I feel you with me when I am in my darkest hours. Thank you for taking some of the pain away when I am at my worst. I wish you were here with me. I think I will always have that little hole in my heart.
For our gifts to you this year, I had an angel stocking made for you and we all put something in it that we wanted to do to be better people. It could be anything. I wanted us to set a goal that would get us closer to you so that we might be able to raise you someday and be worthy of you. I love you my son. Continue to watch over us.
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