Complacency and Perception

I wonder if at times we don't get too comfortable in our own shoes. We just "ride" through life day by day by day and just do those things we need to "just get by." Sure every once in awhile something comes along and changes things up a bit, new job, going back to school, babies being born, car trouble, failing a test, missing important obligations. All things warranting the term interruption to our complacency, but for the most part doable.... so long as they don't all happen at once. Not to say they won't, but individually they are manageable.

While I don't wish losing a child on anyone, it has put a stop to my "complacency" in life, thrown me out of the drivers seat and into a ditch on the side of the road. I have a renewed desire to do what is right. I have a renewed desire to please my Father in Heaven. I have a renewed desire to never forget those principles and doctrines I have been taught and to share them with others. I have a renewed desire because the Lord's promises are sure and I want to be there to raise my son when the time comes.

I went to "Fish" class for work, nothing short of boring (sorry to my fellow coworkers and managers) but I did take one thing from it and I guess that is really all I can hope for at this point. The educator said, "It is all about our perception." She gave traffic as an example. For her, that is the change of attitude for her in the day. When she misses her "window of opportunity" to get to work in just the right amount of time, she ends up sitting in horrible traffic, resulting in a sour mood.

Another colleague of her has to drive almost two times as far and enjoys every minute of it. She has young children and practically jumps in the car to get some peace and quiet or listen to a book on tape or her own CD and not Barney or the Wiggles. It is her time to and from work to get ready to go to work and then to detox.

These two women have two very different perceptions of traffic. I guess that is kind of like the perception of losing a child. The way I see it, I can travel down two different roads. I can travel down the road less traveled, kick up my heels, and put my shoulder to the wheel OR I can crawl into a hole of darkness and pity and feel sorry for myself (with good reason) for the rest of my life or even just a few years. But then what good would that do me? What good does it do to hide from our trials or cower when something "hard" comes our way? It doesn't. We only feel more pity and loneliness than we did before.... or maybe not. Hopefully I have chosen the road less traveled although some days I take a detour into the hole, but I eventually come out.

Season Premieres

So I just finished watching the Grey's Anatomy season Premiere. It was ok at best. Not enough openings of storylines and a few really bad ones (mainly Callie and Hahn.... ugh!!!). Yet I still watch pondering 'Will Meredith and McDreamy work it out?' 'Will Izzy seriously get over herself and move on?' 'Will Korev forever remain a jerk... come on if he and Izzy would just hook up, it would be soooo much better.' The whole show is just a waste of time and I walk away very frustrated, wish I could just rent season 5 right now and watch them all at once.

Well aside from needing an excuse to post a hot sexy picture of McDreamy on my website.... I have been thinking about the next "Season" of my life. As it cools down and the nights get longer, it means that "Fall" or whatever we call it here in AZ is approaching, followed by "Winter" which is seriously OVERRATED :), but nice and cooly enjoyable here, I contemplate.

What new story lines will I create? How will I manage the holidays without Daxton? How will I manage after the holidays when I have a new baby? Should I go back to school? Should I keep working? What goals do I want to set?

Each season in our lives are different. Each choice we make leads to consequences, good or bad. Each day brings new challenges. I don't know how I will answer each of these questions. I don't know how I will make it through the next year. There will be tough moments, there will be sad moments. But there will also be moments of intense joy. There will be new memories to be made, new goals to set, new beginnings, and a new "normal."

Only One

In the NICU, we have many babies; some are viable and thrive and we send them home, others are not so lucky. It is always hard when we have a set of twins, one lives and one doesn't. We often wonder why this is so? Why would one be able to stay over the other? Why can't they both go or both stay?

Before Daxton passed away, I would have said that the mom who only takes home one twin should count her blessings that she at least gets to take home one of her babies, instead of both. However, now I see things differently. Each time that mother sees the living twin, she will think of the one she didn't take home. Each time she looks into that child's eyes, she will see a healthy baby, but she will also see the healthy baby she never brought home. Her heart will ache daily for the loss and hopefully rejoice for the life that she was able to keep. I pray for that mom that she will be able to deal with that heartache. It seems so unfair, yet it is God's will. She will have to leave one twin behind and take the other one home.

This summer God has called a lot of children home. I wonder what sort of missions each child is supposed to serve in Heaven. I hope their cause is great and that there is much rejoicing in their return. Even while I remain here with empty arms and an aching heart, it brings me comfort to know that when Daxton passed, my Savior was there to gather him in His arms and welcome him home.

Each day I pray I will have the strength to endure one more day without Daxton. That I will be able to get out of bed and do the daily "mundane" things of life. I pray to my Father in Heaven like I never have before to help me through the heartache, to appreciate not only the life taken, but also the life that remains here and will continue to join our family. My girls frustrate me sometimes, but most of the time they bring me joy. Amidst the sorrow, this is the joy I try carry.