The Beach

Here are some highlights of our California trip. Seriously. It is GORGEOUS there. If I could I would totally live there. Something about the ocean and the mountains.

I know. She is seriously ADORABLE

I love taking these pics on the beach. You know it is interesting how you can say you have been somewhere and it is funner to say that you are going than to actually be there. Take the zoo for example. You say lets go to the zoo. Sounds like fun huh? Yes. I agree. Walking for miles seeing caged animals who are hiding in the 110 degree weather. Yes. So much fun.

But the beach. You say you are going ot the beach. Well that is just as awesome to actually be there. We had so much fun playing in the sand. Burying each other. Ok Doug and Mikenna. Me, not so much interested in having sand in so many places.

If you look closer you can see we wrote Daxton in the sand.

The San Diego temple is absolutely breathtaking.

Of course the highlight was at Sea World with ELMO. It was amazing. So awesome. The look on Savannah's face. Priceless. She was actually speechless and for those of you who know her. It is VERY uncommon to see her speechless. She just walked up to him, put her arms around his neck, and gave him the biggest smile EVER.

Ok. My husband grew up on a farm. How could I pass by the cow with the sunglasses?

The girlies we went to Cali with. It. Was. Awesome.
Some highlights from this last weekend.

Last week we had the opportunity to go to San Diego and just get away. It was awesome. We stayed in a condo right on the beach. The view was amazing. The company was amazing.

As soon as we got to the condo, of course, I had to pee. I ran into the bathroom and looked over. You know what happened next. I noticed there was no toilet paper. Oh no. Now what? I heard our friends going in and out unloading their stuff. I heard the kids going up and down the stairs. I looked in all the cupboards and drawers. To no avail. AWKWARD!

And that is how our trip began. We went to Sea World, to the beach, and to a fun little children's museum. It was a blast. It was a good getaway. We liked making new memories together as a family. Maybe we will make it a tradition to go to San Diego every year.

The Earls were so great to let us use their beach condo. They are so very kind. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for making it possible for us to be together as a family at this time in our lives. We had a great time.

If you all want to check it out you can click here .

The beach does something for you. It refreshes you. It gives you a new look. A new perspective. There is a high tide and a low tide. Much like the highs and lows of this last year. There are many waves that keep coming and going. You know they will always be there. You can stand out in the water and let the waves crash over you, or you can dive over and under them or with them.

Reminds me of trials. We can choose how we are going to handle them. Will we head them face on? Will we let them crush us? Will we come out on top? It all depends on us.

This last year has been full of waves, high tides, and low tides. But I have not done it alone. I know that Daxton is with us. I know that he watches over us. I know that he loves us and keeps us safe. I can feel him. He is near. He will always be near. He will always watch over us.

For you my angels

Just wanted to share.
This is for all my friends.
And so many more.
We are in this together and for that I am grateful,
yet so very sad.

Confession

I must confess. The picture posted yesterday was not a creation of mine. It was designed for me and given to me by my sister in law. It is hanging up on the wall in the new playroom. It was perfect for this day.

I wanted to post on "this" day but I didn't want to commemorate or make a big deal about it. It isn't a day I want to remember. In fact it is a day I would like to permanently erase from my mind with a big black sharpie. Ok not erased, but I would like to sharpie it so I don't have to keep living it over and over. It did happen. It is what it is. Daxton is gone. I still miss him.

A year later. I never thought that the time would pass. It stood still for me for so many days, weeks, even months, that it is hard to believe that one year has actually gone by. There have been birthdays, holidays, babies, marriages, even other tragedies. Time has moved. It has continued. And I have made it. I have survived.

I am a survivor. I don't necessarily carry the attitude "bring it on" because I don't really want anything "brought." But if it comes, I will beat it. I am a fighter. I will do this. There are so many others fighting this battle with grief. With losing a child. With losing a husband. With losing themselves. I look up to them for strength. It makes me want to continue fighting.

A year ago, I explained my loss as losing my right arm. A year ago, my right arm was cut off without me even being prepared for it. A year ago, I lost one of the most valuable earthly possessions. A year ago, I lost my little man. My little shadow. My right arm. When it was taken from me, I thought I would never be the same. I knew I would never be the same. I am not the same. I would like to think that I am stronger. Of course there are many other ways I would have liked to become such. But it is not so.

Each day is a new day. Each week is a new week. Each year will be a new year. In this lifetime, I will not use my right arm. It is gone. I have learned to compensate. I have learned how to get along without it. Sometimes it is more than I can bear. Sometimes I really wish that I could have it back. Sometimes I just go into the bathroom and cry my tears. Then I come out, lift up my head, and say "Bring it on."

I try to lose myself in projects or service or playing with my kids. My grief is still sometimes crippling, but not as frequently as it was before. I can manage. I can do daily tasks. I still think about Daxton every day. Whenever I say his name or hear his name, there is a soft pang in my heart, not like the dagger it used to be.

A hole still remains in my heart. It isn't closing. Not even a little. But my heart is learning. It is learning what my mind keeps telling it. My girls keep me busy. I appreciate my children more. I know how lucky I am to have them because I have lost one. I know how much love I have for them because I have lost one. It is like it says in the scriptures without the sorrow, we wouldn't know the joy, without the bitter, we wouldn't know the sweet. And boy don't I know.

I know I will get to raise Daxton someday. His spirit is in Heaven, serving the Lord and being a missionary. His body is in the "waiting room." It is a very big waiting room. There I will wait to see him. It may be 10 years. It may be 20. It may be more. But I know I will see him again. I know I will raise him. I know I will be a perfect mother then, for the Lord will have taught me what I need to learn. How lucky he will be :). How lucky I will be. I miss him. Of course I miss him. Every bone in my body and every pore of my soul miss him. But I will see him again.

Someday. Just not today.