Grumpy Face

So this week I have been trying to be a better mom... whatever that means. I also wasn't sure how I was going to teach my children about Easter. I could actually just let the day pass and they would not be any the wiser. I am not that fond of the Easter Bunny anyhow and would like for him NOT to come and bring candy. I expressed my thoughts to a friend and she said that we are the ones that are supposed to teach our children about holidays and why we celebrate them. Ok not in those exact words. But it got me to thinking.

I wanted to help my children to learn more about the atonement and why we celebrate Easter. So I asked them why do we have Easter? To which the reply came, The Easter Bunny. Oh GREAT!!! Just what I want them to tell their Sunday School teacher, actually I don't care, but in all reality I would like them to know the true meaning of Easter. So I dug through my family home evening lessons and found several lessons on Easter and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Each day (starting last night, because that was when I had the brilliant idea) we are and have been having a mini lesson on Jesus and Him atoning for our sins and sorrows and what that means to us. The first night we did a little lesson on the Easter Bunny and I thought what in the world do eggs and the Saviour have anything to do with each other. Doug said that the egg represented a new life (that is when we don't eat it) and that the Saviour made it possible that we could live with Him and Father in Heaven again, thus giving us new life. I also thought that because the egg was white is represented purity (of course that is after it has been bleached). So we explained that to the girls.

I hope that I am instilling a basic understanding of the atonement to my girls. I hope that after they hear 3 more variations of the same story that they might be able gain a certain knowledge that in order for us to live with Daxton again, the Saviour had to atone for us.

Now to the title.... Tonight as we got home from the cemetery to visit Daxton's grave, I told the girls to get their jammies on and get ready for bad. It was fast approaching 8 o clock and I am generally NOT a very good mommy after 8pm, so I said, "You two better hurry! I am not a very nice mommy after 8 o clock." To which Savannah added, "Are you going to show us your grumpy face?" Well not after that :) She is TOOOO smart.

Growing older

Mikenna likes to wake up in the morning and annoyingly ask me, "Mommy what are we going to do today? Can I go to a friend's house?" This all wouldn't be so annoying if it wasn't at 745 in the am and I am STILL IN BED ASLEEP!!! I know I am lazy. But? What do you do? I have a newborn... along with a STRONG desire to stay in bed that I fight daily.

As usual, well mostly usual, Mikenna won our little "What are we going to do" game today and went to play at a friend's house. I took her at 930 and she stayed until school and was home around 3. When I dropped her off, she said, "Mommy, what are we goign to do after school?" (SERIOUSLY???? You are playing at a friend's house right now, don't worry about it!!!) To which I responded lovingly, "We are just going to stay at home." She says, "Why? Because I will be gone all day and you will miss me?" Oh sister, that is EXACTLY what I was thinking.

Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for Isabella time, but I am used to Mikenna being at home and I would much rather have her home annoying me than being away from me. It was too quiet this morning. I didn't even have the desire to do much that was on my list, because I was so sad she wasn't here. I know. PATHETIC.

What am I going to do when she is in Kindergarten all day next year. I am already so sad. I NEVER thought I would be sad to see her go. She is tough for me. We butt heads often. But I will miss her. It will be just me and Isabella. Which led me to thinking that it should be me and Isabella and Daxton.... and then I was sad.

Today I remembered that when I had him in the shower with me, I would wrap him in a towel and place him on the floor of the shower while I did my thing after I had bathed him. I also remember the way he would look at me. He could speak volumes with his eyes. He told me how much he loved me each time I picked him up and each time I nursed him. He was a little impatient when he woke up. He wanted to eat RIGHT NOW. And all heck would break loose if you didn't either have a bottle or a boob waiting for him when you walked into the door of his room. I miss him.

When Savannah walked into the house after school she said, "Mommy, I want to go to Aunt Drana's and see the two twins. Call her?" So to the two twins we went! Along with a four wheeler ride, dinner, changing diapers, clothes, getting peed on, and many more exciting happenings when playing with two twins who are only 4.5 months old :).

Conference Weekend

I just spent an amazing weekend up at my parents cabin in Heber. It was COLD! We had to wear jackets (although we left ours in the the Valley because seriously, it is like 100 degrees here, how could it possible be 35 degrees anywhere else!).

Being it was conference weekend and I knew that I had to entertain my kids quietly for 8 hours of the 4 sessions of conference, I packed "projects," and lots of them. Sticker books, crayons, glue, paper, scissors, markers, pipe cleaners, beads, and puzzles. Turns out we only needed the sticker books grandma bought. THANKS MOM!!!

To preface, General Conference is where all the authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints give messages to the members. They write their own talks and choose their own topics. It is a time for us to grow spiritually and be uplifted, renew our goals to be better saints, to set new goals, to become better Christians, to improve ourselves. You can go to www.lds.org to learn, hear, or read the talks given by the general authorities of the church. The prophet is President Thomas S. Monson and he always gives great messages.

On Saturday we thought we would be able to get conference on the radio... turns out we didn't. SO we got all the kids dressed up in Sunday best and drove over to the church for the am and pm session. It was actually really great. I haven't ever been to the church for conference, we usually watch it within the walls of our home on TV. I truly felt the Spirit. I was more focused. Less distracted. I didn't mind being there at all and the girls did really well (thanks to grandma).

I was touched many times by many of the speakers, particularly Elder Scott's talk. I am still trying to process it. He told personal stories about his two children that he lost. He had a son who was born with a heart defect. He had a daughter who was born and died shortly after. Just 6 short weeks later, his son passed away after a surgery to fix his heart. I am still trying to process this. I lost Daxton. If I were to have lost another child just 6 weeks later, it would be many weeks, months, years before I thought life was worth living again.

Elder Scott then went on to say how important his temple covenants were, that he was sealed to his children, that he would one day be able to raise them and be with them again. And then 14 years ago, he lost his wife. With so much sorrow in his life, he gave his talk with such humility. He is not bitter. He is not angry. I don't pretend to know what his journey has been like all these years, how he has come to be at peace with all the sorrow. But. I know one thing. It has NOT been easy for him. AND. If he has somehow, after all this time come to find that peace, understanding, and willingness to submit to God's will, then I can someday as well. It gives me hope that I might wake up one morning (not so soon I am afraid) and say that I am "grateful" for the trials in my life. I am a long way away from that, but Elder Scott has given me hope.

The story of the woman who was forced to leave Prussia and go back to Germany, 1000 miles away with her 4 children and no husband (who had been killed) has left a sick feeling in my heart. On the way, she lost each of her children along the way. Did you catch that? She lost ALL four of her children AND her husband. What makes her or gave her the drive to get up in the morning. I can see NO reason to carry on after such losses. Yet she did. I don't know how she did. But she did.

The interesting part about losing a child is that if you told me 10 years ago that this would be my trial, I would have told you I would crumble into a thousand pieces (I did mind you, but somehow I have managed to put some of those pieces back together). I made a comment to my dad after Elder Scott's talk that if I had to lose another child, I would break and you might as well bury me with them. He said, "It is amazing what we can handle." At first I was really taken aback. Hello? Did I hear you correctly? Who says I can handle this? But he is right. Darn it. He is right. I get up every morning. I take care of my kids. I have a testimony of the gospel. I know that I will see Daxton again. I know that I will someday raise him. If this is what is meant to "handle" what I have been given, then I guess I am "handling" it.

Spiritually, I get it. I can get how we survive each of our trials. Psychologically? I don't get. My mind plays so many tricks on me it is scary. I see things. I hear things. (Maybe I am goin crazy, maybe I am normal) When I hold Isabella I have flashbacks of holding Daxton in my arms. Of calming him when he was upset. I remember how I never liked to watch him sleep. It was always disturbing to me. Now I know why.

Seems as though I have rambled enough for one night......