So much the same

This pregnancy seems so much the same as Daxton's (except that I am carrying a girl this time and not a boy). Baby sister moves almost as much or more than Daxton did. She is growing like crazy!!! There are many similarities this time. The same doctor, nurses, will be the same hospital, the same OR, the same recovery room.

Many memories flood my mind. Some make me sad, others make me apprehensive, but the same excitement and wonder still abound from what she will be like, who she will look like. It seems lately we have been doing things that I did when I was pregnant with Daxton and now. We went to a park when I was 5 months pregnant with Daxton and just revisited that park a few days ago. I sit in the same waiting room at the doctors office with Mikenna doing the same thing we did before.

As I look at all the one year olds running around with their mothers chasing after them...... well I can't really explain the swelling of emotion or the pangs of missing my one year old. There was one in particular yesterday when I went for a check up. She was 12 months. It didn't bother me when she was running around, but when she started to cry.... oh how I missed Daxton. I miss when he cried in my arms. When he ran into something and came crawling to me or looked up at me with those baby blues. All those thoughts come flooding back.

Did I mention I love to sleep when I am pregnant? Well I still love to sleep now for that reason, but also because I am raising Daxton in my dreams. I don't know if he is getting bigger, but last night I dreamt that I had been away on a trip and I came home. I was so relieved to see him and I didn't put him down. He slept with me, I carried him everywhere, and he was eating like a horse.

I remember one time I was working and had just woken up and gone to my mom's to get the kids. Mom had just put him to bed and he really didn't think that was a good idea so he was protesting LOUDLY in her bedroom in the playpen. I opened the door to the bedroom, walked in, and scooped him up into my arms. Immediately (of course) he settled down. His big crocodile tears dried on his face.... and we snuggled. He was SO tired!!!

Well that is the latest and greatest!

Something to think about

I would give everything I own on this earth to see my baby for just one more hour or minute or second or to have held him in my arms when he needed his mommy most. I would give anything to see him tomorrow. I pray that the time will come VERY soon that we will be reunited once more.

And then I think about how long I have waited to come to this earth, to gain a body, to learn, to grow, to be tried, to be tested, to know joy amidst the sorrow, to know good from the evil. This life I have waited for for many years.

Doug and I recently attended the "Time Out" for couples. It was actually pretty good for the most part. Doug Brinley, a well known author and professor at BYU spoke. Some of what he said struck me differently than what he intended I am sure.
***(note the following is just one man's perception, it is in no way shape or form doctrine, just a perspective)
He pointed out that we waited
2000 years from when Christ was born to come to this earth
4000 years from Adam and Eve
7000 years lets say it took to create the earth
1000 years for the eons before our time....

14000 years approximately we have waited to come to this earth, for the 80 +/- years we spend here. 14000 compared to 80.

This threw me a little when I was thinking about it with a different perception. I can wait these few short years. I will be with Daxton for the eternities. This life is but a small moment, thine afflictions are but a small part in this ginormous puzzle of our existence. I can wait. I can do this. I will put my shoulder to the wheel, face my challenges, and win these many daily battles.

I can wait those years to hold my baby again. The promise is sure that if I live righteously, when he rises again to the form that I laid him to rest, I will be able to raise him. I will know he is perfect and will pass the tests. I often think to myself how someone so perfect could be taken from me. I have 1 minute 30 second video I watched tonight with some friends of him in the bath tub. His cute little buns, his perfect little face, big blue eyes, and plushy little lips.

I will see him again. I will hold him again. Someday.... just not now.

Daxton Box

We are working on a "Daxton Box" for the hospital. Daxton was taken to Banner Gateway in Gilbert. They were a phenomenal team and the 'best' were there that day so I am told. However, I don't think it all ran as smoothly from the inside as it appeared on the outside. They were scrambling for blankets, 'death' packets for parents (....), and other items that they didn't expect to need. Being a very new hospital, I doubt they have very many 'traumas' in their ER, let alone little children.

One of the nurses there decided to put together a "Daxton Box" for the ER. This kit contains an assortment of blankets, stuffed animals, and an assortment of other items. For my brother's Eagle Project, he has decided that he wants to expound on this initial idea and make it better. He plans to build a box to represent the "Daxton Box" and we will fill tubs (from Walmart & depending on the response we receive) of Gallon sized baggies with a 12 picture disposable camera, 40 by 40 blanket, stuffed animal, letter from Daniel (my brother) explaining the Eagle Project and reason for doing it, Daxton's funeral program with a note from me on the back, a handprint/ footprint card with an envelope for a lock of hair or clothing.

These "boxes" will be given to families of children most likely up to the age of 4 or 5 to have with them in the hospital. Items selected are those that I wished that we had had on hand. I am going to try to get a picture up soon and a way on the side bar for people to donate items or money so that we can get out as many packets as possible to several different hospitals around the valley.

Anyway, this has been on my mind today as I have sewn 5 blankets for the last hour and a half to donate to these families through the hospital.